It took me a little by surprise. Such a simple, basic question. One I had already known the answer to for months, maybe even years. Still, I never vocalized it. Not even to myself.
I gave a silent nod before realizing he couldn’t see. “Yes,” I said, simultaneously feeling a pressure lifting from my chest and another settling on my shoulders.
“And that’s okay,” Dusty quickly replied. “It’s okay to be depressed, but it’s also important to not let it control you. Don’t let the depression become you.”
From somewhere inside the house, Penelope started to bark. My moms must have gotten home.
“I’m trying,” I said, the defeat clear in my voice. “I just don’t know what to do.”
“Take it tiny step by tiny step. Focus on starting a routine again. Set an alarm, wake up early, and stick to a plan. Have you been working out? Playing any sports?”
“No, not at all. I started to run again, but I’m not sure how long it’ll last.”
“That’s still a good step in the right direction. I think the next step would be reaching out to a professional. Have you talked to any doctors?”
I shook my head, the fear instantly spiking inside me. “I hate doctors, Dust.”
“I know you do, but this is important. If someone has a tumor, they don’t just put it off because they hate doctors. They go in and get it checked. It works the same for our brains.”
“Says the walking brain.”
Dusty tsked. “I’m serious. I want you to at least talk to a therapist. You don’t have to go see a doctor, but you should at least go to therapy.”
“I don’t know,” I replied.
“Please, Benji.”
“All right, fine,” I said. “I’ll think about it.”
I could tell my brother wanted a solid “yes,” but I just couldn’t give it to him. I wasn’t in the mental state to even think about opening up to a stranger, no matter if they were paid and had some fancy degrees hanging up on their walls. I didn’t see it helping. All I saw was the blank, empty expanse of the depression, drifting around my head like a low-hanging cloud bank.
The sliding glass door opened and Penelope ran out, chasing a red ball. Milo, the Aussie, ran behind her, wagging his tail, which was being targeted by a lively Tammy.
The trio ran past me, kicking up a trail of dust. Then, through the glass doors, out walked Rex, holding a brown paper bag that looked like it was a napkin away from bursting.
“Dust, I’ll call you back,” I said, hoping I could dodge this upcoming encounter and lock myself in my room.
“Call me if anything, all right, Benj? And please, please consider what we talked about. I think it would really help.”
“I will.”
“Love you.”
I smiled, feeling better after having talked with my brother. Maybe that was all I needed. Maybe this depression would be lifted after a few more chats with my twin. “Love you, too, Dust. Tell Brandon I say ’sup.”
“I’ll tell him you said ‘hey, girl, heyyyy.’”
With a chuckle, I pocketed my phone and tried to keep the smile on as Rex got closer.
“Benj, there you are.” Rex lifted his hand to wave. The bag he had around his wrist rose into the air, loudly tearing in half, sending a variety of different vegetables falling to the ground.
“Ah, fuck,” Rex said, his expression falling as fast as the vegetables.
14
Rex Madison
Six Years Ago
“Ah, fuck,” I said, watching the shiny red apple fall into the grass. A capuchin monkey—Sammy was her name—came running from the tree she had been watching me in. She grabbed the apple in her hands and took a crunchy bite, looking at me as she rolled it around, taking another bite of it before turning and running back into the tree.
“She stole my wallet earlier,” Benji said, coming up behind me and surprising me.
“Did you get it back?”
“No, and I’ve got a thousand-dollar order of bananas I have to cancel now.”
That made me forget all about the stolen apple. We laughed as we took a seat on the bench, underneath a tree that had four capuchin monkeys swinging from the branches.
We’d been at the primate sanctuary for about a week now, and the trip was already coming to an end. I hated that. I wanted to stay here forever, with the Gold family, living off the land and helping animals and not having to worry about my overbearing father and monstrously homophobic stepmother.
Plus, I’d get to spend more time with Benji. That was always a huge plus. We’d gotten real close over this last week. I’d barely even hung out with Mav, and that was totally fine with me. There was something about being around Benji that made me feel better than I’d ever felt before.
“What happened to you this morning?” he asked. “I thought you were super excited to go zip-lining?”
I had been. “The heights thing got to me.” That wasn’t exactly the truth, but I didn’t really want to talk about it.
“You said you loved heights, though?”
Crap, I did say that. “Heights from like a plane, not a rope tied between two massive trees.”
Benji’s brow arched. He was wearing an olive-green shirt that made his tan pop and his eyes seem to glow.
“I, um.” Fine, I’ll just say it. “I was also nervous about the weight limit.”
There, the real reason why I hadn’t joined the Gold family on their adventure that morning. It initially sounded like a blast, and I had been looking forward to it all week. Until I realized that I was pushing close to the 250 lb weight limit. I wasn’t at that weight yet, but I was close enough to feel nervous. Not so much that the ropes would snap and send me plummeting to the jungle floor; it was more so the embarrassment I’d suffer having to be turned away. It legit was one of my biggest fears, heights being nowhere on the list.
“Seriously? You would have been totally fine, Rex. And if they did end up saying anything, I would have turned around with you, and we could figure out something else to do.” His smile felt warm and genuine. “We can go again tomorrow if you’re down? Just you and me. You’d love it, I swear. It was incredible.”
“It sounds incredible, but…” My insecurities rose up like a sun-blocking tidal wave. I looked down, my body feeling like a prison all of a sudden.
I’d always been big, even as a little boy. I was taller than everyone in my classes, and I’d started growing wider than them, too. After my mom passed five years ago… well, it was game over. I hadn’t stepped on a scale since then, having turned to eating to help with the constant pain I felt thinking about her.
And then came the insults. The snide comments. The flat-out bullying. I’d grown a tough skin throughout high school, but it wasn’t tough enough to stop the trauma from setting in. I still didn’t even feel comfortable driving past a high school, remembering the relentless torture I’d received from the other kids.
All that trauma, all those names, all those looks, it all came bubbling up to the surface. Unexpected and powerful. I took a deep breath but couldn’t stop myself from letting out a rogue cry. Benji sat up, his eyes widening. He put a reassuring hand on my shoulder, which only made matters worse.