“He’s having trouble reaching the two people who I was, eh, in the tape with. Which is weird. I’ve always been able to contact them, and they won’t even answer my calls or texts.”
Benji’s brow arched. “Suspicious…”
“Very.” I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose. “I trusted them. I’ve known them for about two years. But if they set something up then, fuck, I’d be blindsided.”
“And have there been any more threats?”
“Not yet, no.” There was a question that felt like an anchor around my chest, dragging me down. I didn’t know if asking it would relieve the pressure or make it worse. If Benji answered in a negative kind of way, I’d be devastated.
But, on the other hand— “Benji, what would you think of me if the video leaked?”
There. The anchor slowly loosened its hold around me. I waited, holding my breath, unsure if I’d get rid of this weight permanently.
“Honestly?” Benji asked, my heart skipping a couple of beats.
“Yeah, honestly.”
Benji’s hand tightened around mine. “I wouldn’t think twice about it, Rex. It wouldn’t change a single thing I see you in. So what, you had sex? You were a human? I wouldn’t give a single fuck. And that’s without even having to say how disgusted I am by the invasion of your privacy and the blackmail of your private moments. It’s fucked-up, and I’d never judge you at all for it. You’re Rex Madison: horse whisperer, moms whisperer, Benji whisperer, Tammy whisperer—all right, that’s a hell of a lot of whispering. But you’re also a boldly optimistic, big-hearted, and sharp-witted guy that I look up to. Nothing is ever changing that.” Benji’s smile was reassuring, but his words were what did it. It took that anchor of oppressive weight dragging me down and cut the chains, letting it fall to the bottom of my past.
“That really means a lot to hear,” I said, unable to capture all my gratitude in a simple sentence.
So instead, I settled for a kiss. Benji gave a small gasp of surprise, his lips instantly melting against mine.
“And you’re a kiss whisperer,” Benji said, a thumb on his lips, curled into a sheepish grin. There was a rosy pink blush swirling on his cheek, which only upped the temperature in my own core.
“I seriously needed to hear that. I was worried, especially about you. I didn’t want you think anything different of me. I’ve never wanted that, even when we were kids.”
“Well, I’m glad you can breathe a little easier now.” He tilted his head. “Even though you just managed to steal mine.”
“I’m sure you’ll get me back.”
“Oh, I will.” His devilish smirk made my jeans feel a size too tight, especially around the crotch area. “I’m glad you feel better, though. I like seeing you smile.”
“Not more than I like seeing you smile.”
“Okay, we aren’t starting this.” He chuckled before saying under his breath, “I like seeing you smile more.”
“You’ve been smiling a lot today. I’ve been loving it.”
He cocked his head, his smile only growing. “Yeah, I’ve felt extra smiley today, if I’m honest… It feels good. I’ve been feeling really good today.”
“Any reason in particular?”
“I talked to my brother, Dusty, before you came walking in like a wrecking ball with your vegetables, and I had a breakthrough. I’ve been feeling really out of it for months, probably even years at this point. Just empty and numb, sometimes sad, but mostly numb. And, well, talking with him and kind of thinking about it all, I’ve realized that I could be clinically depressed. The ride here, with you, it kind of sealed the deal for me. I felt so happy, just so free, and I realized I should be feeling this way more often. I shouldn’t be a slave to the chemicals in my brain, especially if there’s a way to change things for the better.
“So.” He took in a deep breath, looking out at the crystal-clear water flowing over our feet. “I’ve decided to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist and a therapist sometime next week. I’m done being defeated before I've even tried fighting the battle.”
My heart swelled with pride and happiness for Benji. “That’s one of the best things I’ve heard in so damn long, Benj. I’ve sensed the shift in you since I got to the sanctuary, and I can’t imagine how hard it’s been, having to go through it without truly accepting it. But you’re right, now you’ve got a chance to actually fight back, and you will. I know you will, Benji. You’re a Gold with a heart of gold and a diamond smile, and neither of those things are ever getting snuffed out. I’m so damn proud of you.”
He rubbed at a tear that almost made it down his cheek. “It feels good, even just saying it. How weird, huh? Saying that I have depression feels good… but only because I feel like saying it out loud is finally giving me a shot at beating it.”
“And there’s no way you won’t,” I said, his hand still in mine, our fingers locked and our spirits twining, this moment feeling heavier than any before.
“It’s crazy how good I feel just saying it.”
“It’s because now you have a plan of attack.”
“Yeah, and I’m sure the road ahead is still pretty long, but shit, I’m actually excited for once.”
“And you should be.” I pulled my feet from the water and turned so that I sat facing him, grabbing both his hands in mine. Benji shifted so he faced me, too. “You’ve got this, Benj.”
“I feel like I do, finally.” He offered me a shaky smile, the emotions of the moment beginning to catch up. “It’s been hard, Rex. I think I was so deep in the swamp of it that I started to feel like it was a part of me. Like the void had already swallowed me whole. I couldn’t see any way out, and I felt myself accepting it. I’d just wallow in the depression, so much that days turned into hazy blurs.”
“That’s what depression does—it make you think it’s got control of the wheel. But that is the furthest thing from the truth, and once you realize that, then you’ve got the chance to take back control.”
“And I will.”
“You definitely will.”
His dimples appeared, his eyes shining with hope and light. His hands felt good in mine—they felt right. Like we were somehow created to walk through this life hand in hand, never meant to separate. Not for six years or six minutes. Not for anything.
“I hate how I missed six years of your life,” I said, lifting our hands and splaying my fingers, playing with his. “But I’m so glad I’m here today, witnessing you reclaim the strong and hopeful and uplifting Benji I remember falling for all those years back.”
“Falling for, huh?”
“Falling hard for.”
“Oh, is that so?”
“Very much so.”
Benji leaned forward, his smile wide, the glow in his eyes sparking. Nearby, two sparrows dove and twirled, singing as they flew together to a tree on the other side of the river. The horses munched away on the grass underneath them, seeming as relaxed and happy as the two of us were.
“Six years,” Benji said, “that’s a lot of time we’ve got to make up for.”