“But what if I never come to your side?”
Gabe sighed. Yeah, that was a good question. What if she was too stubborn? What if she resisted and never came around? What if she wouldn’t let herself have this thing with him because, God only knew what, was rattling around in her head trying to convince her she couldn’t have it, shouldn’t have it, that it was too dangerous. That it was wrong.
“Gabe?” she prodded.
“I said I wasn’t going to hurt you. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do if you don’t come around. Let’s date like a couple of normal people with none of the weird stuff as you call it. And let’s just see what happens. I promise you I won’t do anything kinky or strange or overly controlling until you agree and are in my collar. Okay?”
Julie looked back at her plate, unsure. “O-okay, but what about what happened in the dungeon?”
“What about it? I told you the rules. As long as you behave like a civilized and moderately respectful human being, that won’t happen again. Though, if you want to know the truth, I think you want it to.”
Her face flamed at that. He was right. He knew he was fucking right. It took every ounce of self-control to not slap a collar on her and force her to be what he wanted her to be. More than anything now because he knew it was who she was already. But it would break her and he would never have her trust. And he wasn’t Brian. Even Brian had behaved more civilized when it came to the woman he’d wanted in his collar.
After several minutes of silence Julie finally said, “Okay, we can date. Like normal people. But… even without the kink, I’m not sure about...”
Gabe knew where she was going with this. She wasn’t sure about sex. If she could handle normal sex after Dmitri’s house. That was always going to be there, lurking in the shadows. Gabe swallowed the bite of food he’d been chewing and held up a hand to stop her again, no sense in letting her torture and contort herself this way trying to make him understand something he already understood perfectly well. He wasn’t a fool.
“Julie, listen. I don’t mean sex. I mean getting to know each other. Having dinner together. Spending time together. Maybe affection, but I’m not asking for sex. I don’t want that in a vanilla context anyway. If we go to that place, it will be only if you’re in my collar and we’re doing all the other stuff as well.”
She finally relaxed a fraction. “Okay. I can do that.”
Gabe put down his fork, got up from the table, went to the far end of the balcony, and looked out over the property. He was so glad they were outdoors. He didn’t think he could deal with this conversation inside. It would be too stifling.
“Gabe? Is… did I say something wrong?”
He turned back toward her. She looked so lost. If only she could trust him. For a week. If she’d give him a week of total trust and submission, she would see this was right for her, for them.
“Look, I don’t want this to be something you have to force yourself to do. Are you not attracted anymore? You wanted me for months. Even after our first date where I scared you, you still begged me not to leave you and to take things slowly. I’m offering that and you act as though this is some sort of sentence. If your feelings have somehow changed...”
“No! T-they haven’t changed.”
“Come here.”
Julie scooted her chair back and crossed the balcony to him.
“Turn,” he said when she reached him. He couldn’t resist giving commands. It was too much who he was, but she didn’t seem to mind it.
She turned and he ran his fingertips over the barely raised welts on her back.
“People in the house saw them,” she said.
“I know.”
He turned her to face him and leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on her lips. It was clear from the way she pressed against him, and how her hands moved around the back of his neck, that she wanted him to go further. But there was only so far things would go without a collar. He pulled back and searched her eyes.
If only he hadn’t been such a stupid bastard. Everything that had happened to her was his fault. She’d practically been gift wrapped for him, and he’d tossed her aside. Why? Because she had needed more time? Oh, the horrors! He’d been an impatient bastard, and it had cost them both. Her far more than him. So he could be as patient as he needed to be now.
He pressed a kiss against her forehead. “I’m so sorry I left you that night. If I could go back and do it over… I would have listened to you and taken things slowly like you asked me.”
“It’s okay. You couldn’t have known.”
“Do you need to talk to someone?” Gabe asked.
“Talk to someone?”
“Like a therapist. We have someone here in the house. He could talk to you.” Gabe inwardly cringed as he made the offer. Lindsay had never caused Gabe any personal problems, but he’d witnessed how the shrink had tried to interfere with Mina and Brian. And Gabe had to admit that he didn’t like the idea of Lindsay insinuating himself inside his and Julie’s relationship anymore than Brian had wanted the doctor mixed up in his and Mina’s. At the same time, Gabe couldn’t have a therapist here on site and not make the offer to her.
Julie shook her head. “No, I… I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to a man about this stuff.”
“You could always talk to Annette or Mina. Mina might be your best option. She doesn’t have the same history as you, but she had her own demons to fight past. You might find you have more in common with her than you think. I want you to talk to someone at least. Even if it can’t be me or Lindsay. Just… don’t keep things bottled.”
“I promise,” she said.
“Do you need anything else? Drugs, I mean? Lindsay can get you Xanax or another anti-anxiety drug if you need it. Anti-depressants. Sleep aides? Are you sleeping? Whatever you need.”
She seemed uncertain at first as if weighing the options, but then she shook her head vehemently. “No, I don’t want anything. I do have some trouble sleeping but I don’t want to need a pill to sleep. Plus I read a long time ago that it messes with your sleep and doesn’t give you proper rest anyway. So what’s the point? And yes, I get anxious and sad, but aren’t those normal feelings to have under the circumstances?”
“They are.”
“Then I don’t want to medicate my emotions. If you can really promise me safety, I think someday things will be better. But what good would drugs do? Really? It would only delay things. It doesn’t magically erase my memories. If you have a drug that does that, I’ll take it.”
He chuckled.
Gabe was somewhat relieved she felt that way. He’d seen people get hooked on things. His family hadn’t just been a bunch of violent alcoholics. Several of them had been hooked on painkillers and a few sundry other pharmaceuticals. He’d never thought medicating one’s feelings was the answer, but it was the standard treatment these days. He didn’t want to deny Julie something she might need, at least temporarily, but he’d seen first hand how such things could steal little pieces of your humanity, turn people into deadened zombies, set the stage for addiction and dependence. What started out as a temporary solution often became necessary indefinitely, all usually based on temporary situations that occurred in one’s life—situations most people could have otherwise worked through with proper support.