One night when AK47 and I were alone, I asked if she could tell me about sex.
“Gert hates talking about it,” I said.
She laughed and said that’s Gert for you. “Sometimes it’s easier for someone not in the family to explain how these things work,” she said. “I get it.”
She asked if I knew what it was like to have an orgasm, which means you feel really good inside yourself. I told her that I did know what an orgasm was like. She asked me if I had ever had sex.
“I won’t tell Gert,” she said, her voice going quiet.
I shook my head. “Marxy and I haven’t gone past kissing,” I said.
I asked AK47 how she knew she was in love with Gert and how she knew Gert was in love with her. She put her hands in her pockets and said that the first part was easier to answer than the second part.
“Your brother isn’t the most talkative person in the world.”
She broke down the signs. She said that when guys want to talk a lot, that usually meant something.
“But most of the time they don’t ever say what they mean.”
I nodded, even though I didn’t know how that worked. She meant that they will talk a lot about things without actually saying what is important to them: which is being in love with you. And that’s because boys don’t cry.
“Yes they do. I’ve seen Marxy cry. And Gert.”
“Yeah, but think about how pissed Gert gets when you see him cry. Guys aren’t supposed to cry, or show emotions like that, or be too sad. It’s a gender thing.”
I asked what she meant by “a gender thing.” She said that people expect men and women to behave in certain ways. Guys are supposed to be serious all the time, not showing emotions, and women are supposed to be more emotional and like pink and flowers.
“What about Valkyries?” I asked.
“A noted exception. There just aren’t a lot of Valkyries out there, Zee.”
“So if a guy shows you a lot of attention, and you hang out all the time, and he tells you personal things, it usually means he likes you.”
We sat by the computer in my room, AK47 in the spinning chair and me on the bed.
The Internet browser popped up. She did some clicking and turned down the volume on the computer. “In case it’s loud right off the bat,” she said. “The Internet, as you’re aware, is a disgusting, perverted place, Zee. Which is part of what makes it so good.”
She turned the computer monitor so we didn’t have the light from the window shining right on it.
We went to a page with a black background and a woman in her underwear looking at the screen. She was sucking on her finger like it was a lollipop. AK47 took the mouse arrow on the screen and made it go right over the AT LEAST 18 box. She waited before clicking.
“Okay, so bottom line is that pornography isn’t what real sex is like. At least, not completely.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Think of it as more of a fantasy. Or dream. Things that we imagine in our minds and aren’t sure we want to do, or can’t do.”
“Fantasy,” I said, and gave her my notebook and she wrote the word down for me to add to the Word of Today list, even though I was pretty sure I had heard the word before.
“People get aroused, like turned on,” she started saying.
I knew what she was talking about. “Like lightbulbs,” I said, “only on the inside.”
“Right. And for men that involves the penis getting filled with blood and it makes it really hard. Here.” She started clicking on the porno page, and then turned to me. “Actually, forget porn. Get me a carrot or a cucumber or something,” she said to me. “Condom use should be lesson one.”
She went into Gert’s room and came back with a condom, and I went to the kitchen and brought a carrot.
“Okay,” she said. “Let’s do this.”
AK47 started telling me about babies, and why it is important when having sex to make sure you are safe. When someone doesn’t want a baby, they can have an abortion, which means stopping the baby from coming out.
“It’s actually not a baby at that point,” AK47 said. She chewed her gum.
“And Gert thinks it is and was angry when you got an abortion and that was part of why you broke up,” I said.
AK47 laughed and shook her head. “You have a way with words, Zee.”
I asked her why she didn’t want the baby. “I think you would make powerful parents.”
AK47 shook her head. “Why would I want a baby? We can barely get through life without the added stress of having a family. Neither of us makes a lot of money.”
“You needed to wear more condoms, then,” I said.
“Too true.”
One of the things that AK47 told me was that sometimes accidents happen. Sometimes the condoms will rip accidentally and the woman will get pregnant that way.
She held up the condom package.
“So first, you need to make sure it’s not expired. Look at the date.” We checked the date on the wrapper, written down the side. “Make sure it hasn’t been popped or is open. So give it a little squeeze. Now, really important—when you open the condom, do not, I repeat, do not use your teeth. Comprende?”
“Why not?”
“You don’t want to tear the condom inside, or cut it open with your teeth. You tear it open in the corner—here.” She held the golden condom package on the corner and pretended to open it. “Do you want to give it a try?”
I took the condom from her and held it the way she held it.
“Good. Now, if you actually want to open it, I can show you how to put it on.”
I opened the condom and then she handed me the carrot. She showed me how to tell which way the condom was supposed to unroll, and how to pinch the tip of the condom so that it doesn’t pop while inside. She got more condoms from Gert’s room and together we put four condoms on the carrot.
One of the condoms she had was supposed to taste good, and when AK47 was talking I licked the condom and it did taste good, like strawberries.
“Dude,” AK47 said. “So gross.” She sorted through the condoms and found one she liked. “This one’s my personal favorite.” She ripped my strawberry condom off of the carrot and put on a condom that had weird shapes running along the side. “Ribbed for her pleasure. This is the king of condoms. Go on. See those ribs on the side? Those really make it feel good.”
I took the carrot and felt up and down. “How does this feel good?”
“This one might be a case of you having to take my word for it.” She laughed and peeled it off. “Jesus Christ, replacing these is going to cost a fortune.”
Once we were done with the condoms, we watched many videos, with AK47 telling me when things were unrealistic. For example, when the man picked up a woman, who was much smaller, and held her upside down.
“Nobody does that,” AK47 said.
“They’re doing it.”
“Yeah, but they’re making a crazy movie on the Internet.”
“And she has no hair underneath her underwear.”
“That’s a matter of personal preference. Some people like shaving down there. Some people go all natural.”