I closed my eyes and made a movie in my mind about Hendo leaning over and putting his hands in my hair. I saw him move my face and hold my head and we kissed. And then I thought about the stand-up thing AK47 said never happened in real life and I laughed.
“Cool,” Hendo said, reaching across my lap to open the door. “I guess I’ll see you around. Good hanging.”
There was exactly eleven seconds, which I counted in my brain, where we looked at each other in the car, not making moves, not saying anything. This was the time I should have kissed him. I did not realize this time was perfect until he was gone.
chapter twenty
I was meeting with Dr. Laird, who must have had psychic powers. He always seemed to know where I was going with something, or what I was going to say, even before I said the thing. I guess that was why he had been to school for so long, to be able to do that. His walls were covered with proof that he had gone to a million schools.
One of our rules was that I could tell him anything, but that I wasn’t allowed to ask him things about his life. Our meetings were about me, not him, he said. I could talk about Gert if I needed to, and he promised he wouldn’t tell Gert what I said.
“Except in extreme circumstances,” he said, like if I was in danger.
When I was younger and Gert was my legal guardian, he got to hear everything. Since I turned into an adult, I had a lot more that I could say without worrying about Dr. Laird telling him.
Dr. Laird had been talking a lot about Marxy and how I felt about him, since he was my first boyfriend and since sex was something that boyfriends and girlfriends did.
“All right, Ms. Zelda,” Dr. Laird said. “Lay it on me.”
I told him that there was a new person I found sexy. “Even though I’m still in love with Marxy,” I said.
“This new person in your life.” Dr. Laird wrote in his notebook. “Does Gert know?”
I picked up Dr. Laird’s squeeze ball. “You are always saying I should stop asking permission from Gert.”
“Of course. That’s important. But I’ve never heard of this person before.”
When I put the squeeze ball down, it took a long time for it to go back into the shape of a ball. We watched as the lumps my hand had made turned smooth until the ball was perfect again.
“So tell me about him.”
I shrugged. “He’s a normal person.”
Dr. Laird moved his hands in a circle. “Normal as in…?”
“He is not like Marxy,” I said finally.
“Got it. Tall? Short? Fat? Skinny? Blond hair, brown?”
“He’s taller than me but not as tall as Gert. And he has veins you can see on his arms. Where the muscles are. Which is sexy.”
“Is he your age?”
“I think he is older, but not older like you. He is around Gert’s age.”
“Where did you meet?”
We had met at Toucan’s, but I was not supposed to mention that. Since I knew Dr. Laird would want me to explain who Toucan was, I decided to tell a half-truth and told him that I met Hendo at the library. I said that Hendo hung out with me when he got bored of the Sunday Bunny Reading Hour, and that sometimes he just hung out to read about basketball. I told Dr. Laird that he treated me like I was normal too and that he was into Vikings.
“But not as much as ninjas, which is okay, because they are badass too.”
Dr. Laird’s pen went crazy writing notes. I tried to see, but it was too squiggly for me to read any of the words.
When I was done talking, he said, “How does all of this make you feel?”
“I feel good, and also I feel gross.”
“Why?”
I closed my eyes and tried to ask my heart why it was telling me to feel bad, even though it was also telling me to feel good at the same time.
“I love Marxy,” I said. “And we are going to have sex and it’s dishonorable for me to be finding someone else sexy. That is one of the big rules about being in love.”
“Okay. And how has that changed? Do you still find Marxy sexy?”
I nodded. “Very sexy, but not in the same way. With Marxy I find him sexy to look at, and also sexy as a person. He is very honorable.”
Dr. Laird said that was good. “But it’s not against the law to feel attracted to someone new, Zelda.”
I asked him if he ever thought about having sex with people that aren’t Mrs. Laird. He laughed and said, “Oh boy. You’re not going to tell her, are you?”
“No, sir.”
“Like I said, Zelda. Everyone has sexual fantasies. Which is not to say that you always act on those thoughts. But it’s good they’re there. Otherwise you’d just get bored. Right?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t think Marxy is boring.”
“Okay, fine. I’ve got a soft spot for Julia Roberts.”
The movie Pretty Woman stars Julia Roberts who has sex with Richard Gere for money and in the end she stops being a hooker and they finally kiss on the lips.
“So this is the week,” Dr. Laird said. “For you and Marxy.”
Dr. Laird asked me if I was ready. I took a deep breath and told him I was.
“I know all about sex.”
“And Marxy? Does he know all about sex?”
“He knows everything too.”
He asked me to tell him everything I knew about sex. I told him how it happened, and I also told him what I had seen in the porno videos, and before he could say anything I told him what AK47 had told me: those are fantasies and real sex is different. That made Dr. Laird happy. I told him about putting condoms on the carrot, and that I would bring a bunch with me, and that Marxy would bring some too.
“AK47 will be there, in another room, and so will Marxy’s mother.”
We stared at each other.
“There will be no Gert,” I said.
I expected Dr. Laird to tell me to tell Gert, but he didn’t. He read over his notes and then asked me about what else was new. I told him about the library, all the different books, and how even though there were not many books about Vikings, I could order them, and that I had already ordered a book on Vikings that Carol said was brand-new.
“Nice work,” Dr. Laird said. “How’s Gert doing?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Fine.”
“You don’t know?” Dr. Laird raised his eyebrow.
I did not know what to say, or what he was really asking me, because I had just told him I didn’t know what Gert was doing.
“Is Annie still his girlfriend?”
“They got back together.”
A big smile came across his face. I asked him why he was smiling.
“Because you are not talking about Gert anymore.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Do you know why that’s important?”
I told him I did not. His smile stayed on his face and he leaned forward, like he was going to tell me a very important secret. I leaned forward so that our faces were having a meeting in the middle of his desk.
“Because you are living your own life,” Dr. Laird said. And then he sat back in his squeaky chair. “You have a job, you have your own bank account and your own money. You could have your own apartment one day. And you have a boyfriend.”