I let myself cry, knowing how stupid I have been, with everyone asking if I am okay and what is wrong. I have to fight the urge to run, or punch them in the face, and when Rat, who has been doing the construction, looks at me like he wants to come over and talk to me, I just give him the death glare.
He seems to pop up everywhere, like he’s in my space without actually being in it, and I’ve caught him staring a few times. He is this shadow that wafts in and out, like he’s everywhere but nowhere.
I won’t lie, he’s sexy beneath the scruff on his face and the dirty jeans. I watch him and he’s not afraid of hard work either, he’s been hands on the entire project. Alistair loves to mess with him. His lifelong dream is to turn a burly, straight man, gay for him.
And now, now I’m going to dinner with the Rat, and I feel guilty, like I’m cheating when I know in truth there is no one to cheat on.
Sal won’t ever be anything more than what he is now.
“The Rat asked me to go for dinner,” I say to Ailee as we sit on the floor upstairs in the shiny new salon between my appointments. “And I said yes.”
“No.” She sounds mortified that I’d say yes.
“What? Why not?” I can feel the furrow lines of my frown.
“Because he’s a fucking gangster, he works for my husband, that’s why not.”
The thought hadn’t entered my head. He’s just a construction guy that’s been here for weeks. Ailee’s real life seems so far-fetched, like this alternate reality that I’d rather not acknowledge. It scares me, but intrigues me more. You hear the whispers, the little newspaper clippings about the mob, the mafia, but you never actually consider that they exist – right next door.
“I like him. Well, I don’t know him, but he seems nice.” I frown.
She doesn’t get to veto my relationships. She didn’t tell me she even had a husband.
“He doesn’t seem dangerous at all, LeeLee, and he wants to be my friend. I’m not dating anyone, it’s not like pregnant chicks are a hot commodity anyway.”
It’s the honest truth, I may as well face the future – my un-dateable self will be alone.
“Have you told baby daddy yet, Chels?”
I knew she would ask me, she thinks I need to tell him. Fear is stopping me. I’m afraid of what he will say. I know he will leave me high and dry. I know he won’t want a baby, he won’t want me anymore either. More than anything I fear his reaction, of how violently he will explode when I do tell him.
“No, and I’m going to dinner with Rat. I told him I’m not dating, that we can just be friends. I need friends, Ailee. I fucking miss you. There is this giant hole in my life. I get that you have Rain now and you had Trent, but I was there first and it sucks being shoved to the side. I’m lonely, LeeLee, and if you can’t be there for me, then you can’t stop me from finding friends who will be.” I keep holding in these feelings, but today I just can’t. “All your dreams are coming true and I am just falling deeper into a nightmare. You left me behind.”
“It’s not like that, Chelsey.”
She tries to defend herself, and I know it’s not intentional, her life changing. It happened and she can’t stop that, nor would I want her to.
“It’s fine, LeeLee, but when I find something to be excited about, don’t try to stop me. A cute guy asked me to dinner. I want to go, so just be happy for me. You used to get excited if I had a hot date, you’d want the details. What happened to you?”
“Nothing happened. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Hurt? I’m pregnant and involved with a shady old man who is going to shit himself when he finds out. I’m broke, so I have to stay with him for the money, and I really like the construction guy who is going to bolt the minute he finds all that out. I think it’s a little late for not getting hurt.” I sigh, because when I say it like that I get frustrated. “Can we just go back to being besties, without judgment?”
“Fine, but I warned you about him. Those guys don’t exactly date, Chelsey. They don’t have time to date, because they are busy doing criminal things they shouldn’t do.”
“Like renovating hair salons?”
She’s just working on my last nerve now. She’s married to one. And I am almost certain he’s higher up the primal food chain than someone they call Rat.
“Just be careful, Chels. Let’s talk about something else. Please.” She changes the subject and I’m glad. I shouldn’t have told her. “Do you like how it turned out? I’m excited to move everyone in here tomorrow.”
Clapping my hands, I say, “They are going to shit themselves when they see it!”
I am excited about this. I thought I’d spend my life working in a grotty second-class salon forever, and now it’s like I stepped into one of those dream come true reality shows on TV. The place is fantastic.
Looking around, I feel those irrational tears welling up in my eyes again. I don’t want to cry.
There is a niggle in my gut after Ailee said that Rat is a bad gangster. It won’t go away and I think of around a hundred excuses to blow him off for the rest of the day. Then I catch him looking at me and his smile puts those thoughts out of my mind.
The cheeky, boyish look in his eyes is all about mischief and no good. It is like a match to a pile of crisp tinder. Rat is the fun that has been sucked out of my life, I can see it in those twinkling eyes.
As the day moves on slowly I feel the flutter in my stomach, that same tickle of excitement I got when I first ran from Sal. That chase and the way he said ‘Bunny’ gave me this same giddy buzz.
Guilt sneaks in, I shouldn’t do this. Sal and I are together, and I like being with him. The remembered feeling of imminent danger along with the thrill of him calling, run Bunny run, make my cheeks flush. Heat creeps over me just thinking about when he catches me. The Rat’s smile makes me feel that same way, maybe because I’m running and I know he will catch Bunny, and when he does I’ll be sorry.
He’s going to leave me anyway.
After my last client, Stacy, who has been coming to me since my first week at the salon, I pack up some of my stuff to carry upstairs. I pull down my little unicorn name plaque, a gift from Ailee. She said I was her unicorn, that I brought color into her life. It’s a silly little thing, but I love it. Although I am angry with her, I still want that love we have back.
When I get to my new spot overlooking the street below, I unpack my brushes, scissors and clippers, the same kit I bought when I qualified. It’s old but sentimental, and I like it. I hate getting used to new things, so I’ve kept everything all this time. Placing them neatly in shiny new drawers, I make sure everything is the way it should be.
Looking out the window again, he’s there leaning against a charcoal-gray truck, his arms folded and those devious eyes on me. He smiles when I catch him. The fuzzy feeling returns and I can’t help but smile back. I give him a little wave before I close the drawers and head down for our dinner.
I check myself in the gleaming new mirror that doesn’t make me look twelve pounds heavier than I am. It’s rather refreshing not to look into a distorted mirror, not that I ever like what I see, no matter what mirror. I pull my hair up and out of my face in a loose ponytail and quickly refresh my makeup from the small stash in my handbag.