“You can’t tell me who to screw, Rain, it’s my dick, I’ll put it where I want to.”
Oh, this is about his infidelity and bad taste again. I reverse back to my room. I’d rather wait this storm out where he cannot lash out at me.
Ten
Pale Golden Blonde
CHELSEY
I got what I can only presume was a drunk text from Rat last night, so I chose to ignore it. I feel lighter today, like telling him all my problems out loud made them less problematic. It’s Sunday and I know that means Sal is unavailable, but I have decided that tomorrow I am going to tell him about the baby and on Wednesday I’m going to my first baby doctor’s appointment.
We have moved upstairs into the new salon. Ailee and I ate pizza in the new kitchen at midnight while we finished setting the place up for business tomorrow morning. It’s exciting and I can’t wait to start working up there, the new beginning for both of us.
If Sal leaves me, then that’s okay too. I have survived this long, I can do it alone.
Shaine and I sort the laundry so that we all have clothes for the week. My mother is face planted on the sitting room floor and we have left her there – if she starts to smell we’ll call for help. My sisters have been doing more than I have around here lately and I feel a little guilty about it, knowing my mother isn’t easy to deal with.
I hear my phone chirping where I have it on charge next to the bed in the other room. It’s probably Rat to revoke his message from last night.
“You can go get it,” Shaine says to me, hearing it too.
I am trying to ignore it to just spend some time with them. “No, it’s fine.”
She seems a little edgy and not her usual self today. This year has been hard on her. She’s almost done with school and she works two after-school jobs. My little sister looks tired.
“Go get it, it might be important.”
The chirps keep coming. And it’s ringing now. No one calls anyone these days, so this time I leave the room to get it. The ringing stops before I get there, but the slew of messages on the screen makes me feel ill.
You are fucking pregnant
You didn’t think I should know before everyone else did
Answer the phone Bunny before I come over there
Why didn’t you fucking tell me
I’m coming to fetch you. Be ready.
Shit, fuck, shit! Who told him? How does he know? Is he following me? Is someone following me? Oh, Jesus, I should have told him.
I can’t hold in the tears. I crumple to the floor beside my bed, my hand shakes so bad that I can’t reply even if I wanted to.
What have I done? I’m so stupid.
Hearing me cry, Shaine comes in and sits down next to me on the floor. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head, unable to talk past the sobs.
“I know, so you don’t have to keep it from me. I saw the tests in the garbage, Chelsey.” She puts a hand on my back. “I was waiting for you to come to me, but obviously you are not okay. I’m your sister, and even if you think I’m a kid, I’m not. I grew up long ago. So, what’s the plan? Because you need one.”
“I don’t have one, and Sal is on his way here. He just found out, and not from me.” I swallow. “He’s pissed.”
“Clean your face, comb your hair and face him. It can only go two ways. Either he’s a runner or a dumper. And either way it doesn’t matter, because you don’t need him.”
She is right. This is where I have to be a big girl and face my mess, and then pick up the pieces and carry on.
“Don’t tell mom, please.”
I don’t know why I care, but I feel like this would disappoint her more than anything else I’ve ever done.
“I don’t think she’d hear me even if I did.”
We both laugh, because it’s true.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I wipe my eyes with my hand. “I was in denial.”
She stands, gives me her hand, and pulls me to my feet. “You will be a good mom, Chels, you’ve been our mom from the start anyway.”
Her thin arms wrap around me and she gives me a very one-sided hug, before I go wash my blotchy face and put on some makeup and proper clothes. Sal isn’t used to seeing yoga pants on me. Making sure I don’t look like I feel, I pull my hair up into a smooth ponytail and force a smile on my face.
The vicious sound of his car’s engine can be heard even from up here when he pulls up on the no parking line in front of the building. It growls like he does, as if it’s an extension of his personality.
Shoulders back, chin up, I wink at my sister and slip out of the front door. I take the stairs because the elevator is temperamental and I’d rather not get stuck in it today; the maintenance guy takes forever to come.
When I burst through the doors of my building Sal is standing against his car, arms folded across his chest. He has a suit on. It’s Sunday, he was supposed to be at church. I feel guilty.
“Get in the car, Bunny. I think we need to talk.”
Stepping aside, he opens the door for me. I stop just a step away from him and look into those dark eyes. When I do, he leans in and kisses my forehead, and my fears melt at the affection. Even through his anger, I feel we are connected, no matter what he says.
Suddenly a world of truths sink into my head. I don’t even know his last name. I don’t know anything about him. I have all these feelings and he’s a ghost. The possibility that I may be climbing into a car and never coming back makes my hair stand on end. He is too calm, or am I going crazy?
He said we’d keep it casual. I don’t need to know everything about him. All my common sense left me the day he touched me and it’s just returning now.
My lip quivers and I fight the threat of more tears, as his shadow moves past the window and my door clicks closed. I put my purse between my feet and sit on my hands because I don’t know what to do with them.
Sal slides in like always – so smoothly. Everything about him is smooth, shiny, and almost too good to be true. He doesn’t start the engine like he would usually. Instead he turns to face me and the deep wrinkles around his eyes are more noticeable. The worry lines on his forehand and the dull ache in his expression invade my space just by being present.
“Were you going to tell me?” he asks, and the anger in his messages isn’t in his voice. Instead he sounds hurt, like I have wounded him with my actions.
“Tomorrow.” I nod. “I was going to tell you tomorrow. Who told you?”
“It doesn’t matter who told me, it matters that you told someone else before you told me.”
He’s right, so I don’t argue with him. Hanging my head in shame, because I am ashamed of my actions, I can’t look at him anymore.
“What was the plan, Bunny?”
“I didn’t have one, I still don’t. I don’t expect anything from you, Sal, maybe that’s why I didn’t tell you. You made it clear from the beginning what this was, and a baby doesn’t exactly fit into those terms and conditions.”
Sal places a hand on my leg. The reassuring gesture calms my thundering heartbeat just a little. I expected anger, an outburst, I expected him to scream and shout at me.