I proceed to explain my situation from start to finish, making sure to leave no stone untouched. I tell Nat about each bachelor and the outings I’ve been on with them. I tell her about the dire situation my family is in, and how Livingston and Étienne had been pouring through the accounts to see if anything could be salvaged.
Speaking privately with Nat in such a manner makes me feel as though everything is back to normal. The one thing that’s missing is Nat’s cheerful demeanor. I don’t know if that will ever return because when you lose someone you love, you lose a piece of yourself.
“If Livingston was reluctant to be your executor, did he offer his assistance in a different form?”
“Yes.”
“Money,” Nat says flatly.
“You know your brother quite well.”
“But you declined.”
“I did,” I confirm.
“Because you’re far too set in your ways and refuse to accept what you consider charity. Especially when the benefactor is my brother.”
“It’s not that simple.” Abruptly, I stop talking. “Well, it is,” I finally concede. Resting my head against the wall, I think of my next words carefully. “Have you ever loved someone so much, you would do anythin’ not to endanger that love? I just know he offered me money out of obligation to Miles, and I don’t know when or if I’d ever be able to pay him back. Sooner than later, Livingston would resent me. And contrary to what everyone may think, I’m fond of the…disagreein’ we do. Well, used to do. I think I destroyed what relationship I had with your brother.”
“I understand more than you know,” Nat says quietly.
When I look at her from the corner of my eye, I see her staring at her hands. At that moment, I know without a doubt, she’s thinking of Asa Calhoun. I was made privy of how she felt about him early on. For the longest time, I was the only person Nat confided her feelings to, and although I couldn’t fathom what she saw in Asa, I didn’t tell a soul.
The day Nat told me Oliver proposed and she said yes, I told her to be certain and not to make any rash decisions because I saw how she and Asa looked at one another. And in the summer of 1913, the two of them spent a lot of time together. But then everything abruptly changed, and then Oliver appeared.
Nat assured me that Oliver loved her, and that was all she needed. But sitting here now, I knew it wasn’t. For Nat, it always came back to Asa. I understood that now. I never thought it’d take me having a broken heart to come to that realization.
I exhale loudly before I speak. “Then you know why I couldn’t take his money.”
“I do.”
It feels good to be understood.
Sighing, I briefly close my eyes. I need to be getting to my room. Livingston will be coming upstairs soon, but I don’t want this time with Nat to end. It’s quite remarkable really. I came to Savannah under the impression that my best friend needed me, and I would do the consoling. But in this hallway tonight I needed my best friend far more than I realized.
I look at her, watching as she looks straight ahead with a faraway look in her eyes. “Will you be okay after we leave?”
She glances at me. “Will you be okay after you leave?” Nat asks, skillfully turning my question back onto me.
The very thought of traveling back to Charleston and going about my life makes my heart drop to my stomach. “No, but I don’t have a choice.”
Nat nodded, her face showing no emotion. Seeing her so detached and removed from reality is still hard for me to accept. I can’t decide if the Nathalie sitting beside me is a grieving widow or a woman grieving for the life that she could’ve had. I believe it’s both. I believe it’s going to take a long time for her to heal, and she can’t do that here. Just a few days at Brignac House and I’m anxious to leave.
“Come home,” I say instinctively. I would hate myself if I didn’t ask. “Everyone would love to see you, and you can meet your nephew, and shake your head at everythin’ Serene says.”
The smallest of smirks graces Nat’s lips. There’s a brief flash of the Nat I know and love, but it’s gone before I can take a breath. I lean in and lower my voice. “You can’t grieve here.” Urgency coats my words. “You just can’t.”
As if to prove my point, there’s a loud wail that comes from the private quarters of the house, toward Matilda’s rooms. I jump and stare with wide eyes down the hall.
Nat shakes her head and looks at me. Her eyes are sad. “No, I can’t. I need to stay here.” There’s a louder scream, this one followed by the sound of an object shattering against the wall. A bleary-eyed servant rushes upstairs.
“Nathalie,” I say with urgency.
“I’ll be back. I think I always knew I’d come back. Perhaps not in this way.” If Nat’s careful with her words and even more so with her eye contact. She knows as well as I do that if I’m able take one good look, I’ll be able to see the truth.
“Were things so bad between you and Oliver?” A chill sweeps through me as I say his name. It feels decidedly wrong to be asking such a question the day after his funeral, and in his own home. But this is a question that has weighed on my mind. It needs to be asked.
“Not … bad. Just wrong,” Nat confesses, all the while she manages to keep her gaze fixed on the floor. “Wrong because we were wrong for each other. People make wrong decisions when they’re hurt or angry.”
In an unforeseen show of affection and gentleness Nat grabs my hands between hers and cradles them. She looks at me with eyes that have seen too much. “Don’t let that be you. Don’t make a wrong decision.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Livingston
I am the first one up the next morning.
Probably because I didn’t sleep a wink. I spent the entire night agonizing whether I should go to Rainey’s room and tell her how I truly feel, but the truth is, I don’t know how I feel. The mere thought of her going back to Charleston and proceeding with this bachelor façade makes me see red and builds a fury in my chest that’s almost impossible to contain. However, I know it’d be selfish of me to keep her to myself when I know she wants a family someday.
I’m not surprised to see that Rainey doesn’t arrive for breakfast. No one makes mention of it. I certainly don’t plan on it. Nat claims Matilda is feeling under the weather and is laying down. I don’t know if that’s the truth, or not. But this is the most comfortable meal I’ve had at Brignac House.
It’s only when our luggage is being taken to the car and Lenore and I are saying our good-byes that Rainey comes downstairs. I thoroughly look her over, trying to see if there’s anything that might show she had a restless night. But she looks beautiful as always.
Before I went to bed I passed by her room and stopped. I wanted to go inside and be with her. It was a need that went beyond myself. My fingers twitched and my arm lifted toward the doorknob before it stopped midair. I didn’t deserve to be in the same room with her.
“Nathalie, I wish I could stay longer,” Rainey says as she goes in for a hug.
“I’m grateful you came for the time that you did.”