I look at Conrad from the corner of my eye before I continue to stare at the endless blue water in front of me. “I am a woman with many unique interests.”
“I could not agree more.”
I was prepared for Conrad to take me to lunch or to the park. Instead, he parked alongside The Battery. He guided us onto one of the main docks toward a smaller boat and asked if I wanted to go fishing. It sounded refreshing and impulsive and the very thing I needed in my life. I took his hand and stepped onto the boat.
I was hesitant of how the time would pass, but surprisingly, I get to know Conrad a bit more away from the constraints of Charleston society. He’s far less suave and more human than I thought.
“I didn’t know you had a boat,” I blurt.
“I don’t. This boat belongs to a friend of the family. They like to go crab fishin’ on occasion.”
The boat moves in rhythm to the waves, and the scent of pluff mud greets my nose for a millisecond before it disappears. It’s been like that since we stepped onto the boat. High tide was two hours ago, but the wind has picked up. There’s a probable rainstorm on the horizon. If you’re not prepared, the scent of pluff mud can be rather pungent and knock you off your feet. I’m immune to it. The dark-brown miasma is a Lowcountry essential that brings character to all my memories. However, it isn’t precisely what you want to smell during an outing with someone you’re attempting to get to know better.
I could picture Livingston shaking his head and leaning into me so he could whisper into my ear.
“Why would he go crab fishin’ at such an hour? You know how to pick ’em, le savauge.”
I find myself looking to my left as though he’s there. I’m going mad.
“My brother and I fancied ourselves fisherman,” I blurt.
I stare at the fishing pole held between my hands feeling the weight of Conrad’s eyes. I’m sure he’s shocked by my confession. He has spent most of the time talking about himself, which I’ve enjoyed. I’ve told him very little about myself, so I continue and ignore the pain I feel in my heart as best as possible.
“Although, when we didn’t have fishin’ rods, we would use a fishin’ net and repeatedly circle it through the water in hopes a fish would swim right into the net.”
“And did you ever catch one with the net?” Conrad asks in a jovial tone.
I fix my gaze onto the water and smile softly. “Every so often, yes.”
I’m being selective with the story. Telling him bits and pieces, because the truth is, Livingston and Étienne are part of that memory. And Livingston was the one to teach me how to use the fishing net. He told me patience was the key. “You’re in the fish’s terrain. Give yourself some time before you pull away. The fish will come to you.”
Livingston was right. With that fishing net, I caught many fish. Each time Livingston would grab the fish, he would cup them between his hands and ask if we should let them go. I always said yes and would never have anything to show for my efforts, but Livingston and I knew. Perhaps that’s why the memory hurts. Because not only is my brother there, but so is Livingston.
An angry heart beats the hardest. It will cause words to pour from your lips. Words you never knew you were harboring. Strength grows inside you until your hands shake and your breath becomes choppy.
An angry heart is remarkably dangerous.
But now? Now I feel a numbness throughout me. I’ve lost enough people in my life to recognize I’m still in shock.
When I returned to Charleston three days ago, I began to nurse my broken heart like a bird tending to a broken wing. I haven’t seen or spoken to Livingston once. I have no disillusions in his absence. I made my desires of what I want out of life clear for him, and in turn, Livingston made it clear he didn’t want the same. What more was there to say?
Naturally, Serene has taken over everything pertaining to the bachelors and the impending ball. Her wisecracks never ceased to put a smile on my face. More than once, I had to stop myself from asking about Livingston. As hurt as I was, I still wanted to know his whereabouts and if he missed my presence as much as I missed his. But Serene and I cautiously avoid the subject of Livingston. I got the sense Serene wanted to touch on the topic, but she didn’t know how. I almost wanted her to bring him up because then I could ask her if she could help me try to understand where everything went wrong. Was it Livingston that changed, or did I?
You foolish girl, you already know the answer. Not once did Livingston ever change. You did.
I’m the one who fell in love and expected him to embrace the change. I wanted him to accept my love.
There are moments I regret what I said. I lost so much. We would look at one another, and there was no need for words. We already knew what the other was thinking.
I missed that so much. I missed him so much.
But I couldn’t regret saying how I felt. It was akin to a secret, and secrets will suffocate you.
“Have you made your choice?” Conrad asks after a beat of silence.
“I’m in the process.”
Conrad becomes silent. “Will you make a choice?”
I appreciate honesty and try to give the same in turn as much as possible. “Absolutely.”
I picked up the fragments of my heart as best as possible, but I knew I left pieces behind. I have no other choice. If life has taught me anything, it’s that time runs and never walks, goes up but not down. I have to make the best out of this situation because I have no other choice.
Knowing the amount of debt was much higher than originally thought was still shocking. But I had spoken with Étienne. In his stoic voice, he explained what he discovered. He was careful with his words, but it was apparent, even to me, that Miles purposely mishandled the funds. It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t like him to be underhanded and secretive. It pained me to think he lived with the knowledge that our last name was on so many creditors’ lists and he felt he couldn’t tell me. But like most older brothers, he was protective. Likely, Miles thought he was shielding Momma and me from any burden or embarrassment. He never thought he would die.
Calmly and rationally, Étienne said, “Perhaps, you should truly consider the bachelors with a shred of earnestness. Even with your dowry, you would have a deficit of fifty-five thousand, but don’t let that number be defeatin’. Creditors will be far more lenient when they see a debt steadily bein’ paid.”
He continued to go on in great detail about each amount that was logged into the ledger incorrectly, as though I would question his findings. But I listened with one ear open because all I could do was interpret his prior words and repeat them in my head: the bachelor plan is your only plan. You’re out of options.
When I attended each date, I had more determination than ever that I would see this through. I would choose a bachelor, and I would find a way to pay each and every debt.
“There’s somethin’ I need you to know.”
Conrad looks at me expectantly. His dark eyes are searching.
“Whoever I pick … I can’t promise I will love my husband at once. It will take time.”
“I understand.”
I nod and look down at my laced fingers on my lap. He understands now, but will he understand after what I’m about to tell him?