Why haven’t I told her? She needs to know all of me, but can I allow that to happen? I haven’t opened up to anyone since Kate. There it is…Kate. Again. She was always my strength before. Why is it that she’s now holding me back? Am I strong enough to push her away, to reach out and take what I really want?
Nine
Violet
I thought I was strong enough to come back here. I thought that I was strong enough to resist the way I feel about him. But coming back here has proved one thing. I’m not strong enough for anything. Just walking through those doors told me that. The first thing I wanted to do was walk up to him and kiss him, kiss him until I am dizzy and can’t breathe. I want to drag him back upstairs and push him back onto his bed. I want to feel his body pressed against mine. I want to never leave.
I know, I know. That can’t happen. For one, we don’t know one another very well yet. If we jump into any kind of sexual relationship, Margo could get hurt when things end badly. And two, he’s still very hurt by his wife’s passing. I’m not a savior. I can’t save him from himself. And three, well, now I suddenly can’t remember. Before I got here, I could’ve given you ten reasons why Carson and I aren’t a good idea. But now that I’m here, I can only think of the two that are right in front of my face. Her picture is still on the mantel, and their daughter is clinging to my hand like I’m her best friend in the world.
Margo and I play tea party until Carson yells up and tells us that the pizza is here. The two of us head down the stairs, finding the kitchen table covered in food.
“Would you like a beer?” Carson asks.
“Sure,” I agree, willing to take the sharp edge of this pointed knife in any way that I can. Maybe it will help me to relax and think more clearly for our discussion later. The table is already set. While Carson gets us all a drink, I help Margo fix her plate. She asks for one slice of cheese pizza and one piece of cheesy bread with sauce.
Once her plate is fixed and she’s digging in, I grab myself a piece of pizza with everything, a chicken wing, and a piece of cheesy bread. I cut off a small bite of chicken and pop it into my mouth. The warmth of the sauce hits me, but Carson is handing over my cold beer just in time.
“I hope you like this pizza place,” he says, sitting next to me. “We haven’t tried it yet.”
I nod. “It’s the only place in town, but it’s good.” I swallow my food and take a bite of pizza.
Over dinner, the three of us eat and talk and laugh. For a moment, I almost forgot why I’m here and just enjoy being here and being around a father and his little girl. Their relationship is the cutest. He’s a great dad, and she’s the sweetest little girl I’ve ever met.
After dinner, Margo wants to go outside and play on the beach, so I take her while Carson cleans up the kitchen. We play and splash in the water on the shore, we play in the sand, building a lame excuse for a sandcastle, and then we race to the door when Carson calls her inside for a bath.
“I’m going to throw her in the tub and put her to bed. Can you wait?” Carson asks.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Okay, good,” he says with a smile.
The two of them disappear into the house, and I take a seat on the deck chair, looking out at the lake. The sun is going down for the day, and it offers the perfect view. I grab and sip another beer while I watch it, enjoying the sounds of the birds and the crickets chirping.
It feels like at least an hour has passed. The sun is no longer visible in the sky, leaving me in darkness, with only a little light on the porch filtering out front the glass windows. The door opens and Carson steps out. He takes the empty chair next to me. He has a beer in his hand, and he takes a drink as he thinks over what he wants to say.
“Thanks for inviting me to dinner. It was fun, and I think Margo really enjoyed it.”
He flashes a weak smile and nods. “She really did. You’re her best friend.”
I shrug. “Only for a couple more months. Then she’ll be starting school and making friends her own age. I’ll cherish the moments I get with her.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that, because to me, she’s what’s most important here.”
“I totally agree.”
He waits a moment then says, “So, we’re on the same page then? That what happened last time shouldn’t have ever happened?”
“We’re in agreement, Carson,” I tell him but feel a pain in my chest as I say the words. “I mean, I had a great time, and I’d love to do it again and again, but Margo is what’s important. We need to do what’s best for her, right?” I look over at him and he’s staring at me.
“Right,” he says, but he sounds as unsure as I do.
“But…” I start, I don’t know what words are going to come out of my mouth or even how to stop them. I think it’s too late. “One more time can’t hurt much, right?”
His eyes light up with a hot fire. “I don’t see how it could,” he says, lost in the same desires that I am. We both stand up at the same time and then we’re crashing into one another. His lips are on mine, and my arms are wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer. His hands land on the small of my back, moving up my shirt. Suddenly, they fall down to my ass, and he picks me up against him, carrying me into the house. We kiss as he takes the stairs two at a time. He kicks open his bedroom door and then I’m lying across the bed.
He rips his shirt over his head and then his body is on mine, his hot skin nearly burning me as he works to remove the clothing between us. Without warning, he thrusts into me, and I’m filled unbelievable full. We both let out a relieved moan at the sensation.
“Fuck, Violet,” he whispers against my skin. “You’re so perfect. You feel too good to stay away from.”
I lace my fingers into his hair and tug his mouth back to mine. This moment is already perfect. I don’t need his words too. No, I don’t want his words. Hearing how much he adores me will only make letting go that much harder.
When I explode beneath him, he works me over until the very last wave has washed over me, then he pulls out, flips me over, and enters me from behind. The added pressure is almost too much to take, and I want to erupt all over again instantly. He keeps his hands on my hips, pulling me back into his powerful thrusts. With each one, he lets out a soft, hushed moan. It only takes us minutes in this position before we’re both falling to pieces.
He collapses at my side on the bed, out of breath. His breathing is almost as fast as my heart is beating. This time, I don’t feel that awkwardness. The room doesn’t feel too small or like I have a thousand eyes on me. I feel like I’m alone with him, not being judged.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Do you want me to leave?” I ask, hoping he’s feeling as comfortable as I am this time.
“What? No, I don’t want you to leave. I mean, if you need to, I’ll understand, but don’t leave because of me. I like having you here.” He pulls me closer, and I lay my head on his chest.
There’s a long drawn out silence as we both take in the moment. “Tell me something,” he says.