“Hmm?”
“How is it that you haven’t gotten with someone in town yet? How are you still single?”
I giggle. “In a town this small, everyone knows everyone’s business. If I would’ve gotten with someone, everyone would know about it. Everyone would know when we have sex, when we fight, and all the gory details of the break-up. I’ve just always wanted to avoid that.”
“What about me? I live in this town now.”
“Yes, but you’re different. You’re not going to run and tell everyone the things we do. You want just as much privacy in your life as I do. Plus, you used your adorable daughter against me. She hooked me and you reeled me in,” I joke.
“It wasn’t my intention.” I can hear the amusement in his voice.
I turn my head so I can look up at his face in the darkness. “What was your intention?”
He shrugs one shoulder. “I guess nothing. I was fine being lonely and miserable. But it was like the moment I stopped looking for happiness, it found me.”
“After your wife passed, you gave up on ever being happy again?” I ask, trying to understand his mindset.
“Basically,” he agrees. “I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, not when she was gone.”
“What happened?” I ask, and I hope he understands what that means. I’m asking what happened to his wife, without using the words to avoid causing him to feel more pain.
“I used to be a lawyer, and I worked eighty hours a week. As you can probably imagine, with a workload that heavy, it didn’t leave much time for anything else. I barely had time to eat and sleep, let alone, spend time with my wife and daughter.
“So one day, she caught me off guard and made me promise her a night out. We agreed to get a babysitter and go out for dinner, but I made it very clear that I didn’t want to go dancing or out drinking with friends. I was exhausted, and I only wanted dinner and then to go home to catch up on some sleep. I was so tired. I never should have let myself get that tired.
“Anyway, we went out for dinner and Kate had a couple glasses of wine. She was so happy, she practically glowed. She was excited to be out of the house, spending some alone time with me. Dinner went wonderfully and then we loaded back up into the car for the ride home. But Kate wasn’t ready to go back home. I think she was trying to seduce me into staying out with her a little longer. She took off her seatbelt and leaned in toward me. She was just being fun and playful, kissing my neck and nipping my ear. I was so tired and distracted by what she was doing that I didn’t see a car run a red light. He hit us, T-boned us. He drove right into her door going what the police think was about fifty miles per hour. The speed limit was twenty-five in that section of town.
“I tried to swerve at the last second, which ultimately made the crash worse. The sudden jerk and then the hit, it flipped the car over on its hood. I hit my head and was knocked out. When I came to, all I could see was her lying on the roof of the car, broken and twisted up in these horrifying positions. She was covered in blood and couldn’t breathe.
“Anyway, I’ve always sort of blamed myself. If I hadn’t been so tired, I could’ve avoided the crash. Or if I had told her I was too tired to go, I would’ve been in trouble for backing out, but at least she’d still be alive.”
I reach up, cupping his jaw. “It wasn’t your fault, Carson.”
“Yeah, I know,” he says, but it doesn’t sound like he believes it.
“Really, Carson. You can’t be in control of everything. Some things in life just happen. We just have to learn how to go with the flow and let go when it’s time.”
“Yeah, easier said than done,” he mumbles, sitting up and pulling on his clothes.
I take a deep breath, then do the same. He’s probably feeling too exposed right now, being naked with me, a woman who isn’t his wife, and talking about his feelings. But this side of him is a side I hadn’t seen before. I see how broken he is, how much pain he’s in. What’s happening between us isn’t because he has feelings for me. What’s happening between us is just physical for him. He’s not recovering from his wife’s passing. He’s just masking the pain with something else, with me. I know if we continue going down this path, it’s only a matter of time before we all end up hurt, Margo included. And she’s the last person I want to hurt in all of this.
I stand up and pull my clothes back on, and he walks over to the door and flips on the light. In the bright, harsh light, I can see all his pain and worry on his face, making each line and crease seem that much more prominent.
“Carson,” I say, sitting down to put my shoes on. He looks over at me but doesn’t speak. “I’m afraid we’re moving a little fast for you. I think you know it, too, but you’re…I don’t know, too afraid of saying in for fear of hurting my feelings for something.”
He doesn’t respond. That tells me that I’m right.
“I feel like if we keep this up, someone will get hurt. I’ll either fall in love with you, a man who’s unavailable because he’s holding onto the past, or you’ll freak out when you realize that I’ve distracted you from thinking about your wife. And the last person I want to hurt in this is Margo. She doesn’t deserve that. And I don’t want to hurt you either. You’ve been through enough. So, I won’t be coming back here. This thing we’ve started, I’m ending it.” I stand up and turn to face him directly. “I think it’s best for all of us.”
He grinds his teeth together, causing his jaw to flex, and he nods.
“I’m sorry for everything, and please feel free to bring Margo to see me at the bakery. You’ll always be welcome there. But I can’t keep doing this when you’re still so in love with your wife. When you heal, come find me. Maybe it won’t be too late.”
I reach forward and cup my hand around his jaw. His eyes level on me, and for the first time, I see all the pain and suffering he’s going through right now. He gives into my touch a little, tilting his head to press his cheek more firmly into my hand. Without another word, I let my hand fall back to my side. I try to offer him a small smile, but I’m afraid that the only thing that I can pull off is a sad one. I walk out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and out the front door for the last time.
I make it to my car before the tears start to fall. How can I be this upset already? Carson and I, we weren’t dating. We never talked about dating or the future we could have. We’ve only slept together twice, but each time, it felt more and more right. Now I feel like the future I thought I was going to have has been pulled out from under me like the rug I was standing on. I hope this feeling passes quickly. I don’t know how to get over someone I never truly had.
Ten
Carson
She’s one-hundred-percent right, and I can’t stop her from walking away. The truth is, I’ve been using her, and I can’t blame her for not wanting to be used. I’m in no way ready to let go of my past and my wife, and until I can do that, I can’t give myself to anyone. It doesn’t matter that I think she’s beautiful, nice, and a good person. It doesn’t matter that Margo loves her like a mother figure. What matters is that I can’t treat her the way she wants to be treated. She wants to mean something to me, and I can’t feel anything for her. Not yet. Not when Kate is still taking up my whole heart.