He topped… always. He admitted as much to me during one of the first nights we became intimate. He also admitted Corey was the only man ever to be inside him, that until he met someone he truly cared for, that would be something he held close to his chest. I got that. It was why I felt so special in Indiana… the same night he’d seen his ex.
And I was supposed to believe that one had nothing to do with the other?
Not once did I have drama in any of the heterosexual relationships that I floundered my way through. Was it because this one was so very different? Did it come with the territory of being in love? If so, fuck this shit… who needed it?
I had no clear idea what any of this meant. Getting any information out of this man was like pulling teeth. And because of this discovery, a tiny seed of doubt began to grow roots, nestling itself into the layer of confidence I held on to in our relationship. But like a chip in a windshield, with time it could spread into a well-defined crack reaching from edge to edge.
“Cooper…” He said my name in exasperation. “Corey is insignificant.”
“Bullshit, Ricky.” Shaking my head at that blatant lie, I countered, “He is significant enough that you kept your run-in to yourself… and the fact he’s been texting you. He’s significant enough to make your dick hard enough for you to insist we take our relationship to the next level, in a way you hadn’t since you were with him.” He looked away with a huff while his silence infuriated me even more. “Look at me.” Slowly, he brought his tormented eyes back to mine. “Is it insignificant that whenever thinking of our first time I will now always wonder what prompted it?”
This news tainted our union… one that had been special to me until this very moment. I would now forever link that night to a faceless prick who obviously still had his tentacles wrapped around Ricky.
“This is stupid, Cooper.”
“Stupid or uncomfortable?” Not expecting an answer, I barked, “Either way, tough shit.” One way or another, I’d make him answer me. “Who was it you were with that night, Ricky? Me or Corey?”
“You. I was with you!” His face twisted with anger. “All I felt after seeing him was disgust. Seeing him meant nothing. His texting me means even less. He’s clearly trying to make himself feel better, and I’m not giving him the opportunity. This is his issue, not mine.”
“Okay… I guess I need to take your word for it.”
Something in my comment caused him to snap as he snatched his phone up and jammed a finger on the screen.
Once he had Corey’s short text thread open, he handed me the phone. “Go on. Read them. I have nothing to hide. The day that first text came through I couldn’t believe the gall on that motherfucker… and I instantly shut him down.”
Reluctantly, I read the communication from top to bottom.
Ricky, it’s me… Corey.
How the fuck did you get my number?!
Cedric. After seeing you, I asked him if that was you I saw from afar and would love to reconnect. I gave him enough details of your life to prove that I knew you.
You don’t know me… you never did.
I deserve that, but can we talk on the phone? If need be, I’ll come to you. It’s important to me to apologize properly. Life went to shit after that year. I’m trying to make amends with all the mistakes I’ve made.
Not my problem. But consider this text as me accepting your apology. So now that’s out of the way, please lose my number, or I will block you.
No response had come after that last text on Sunday… until now when he’d asked Ricky not to hate him. Some of my suspicions dissipated, but none of what I read accounted for his urgent need that I fuck him that night.
When I looked up, he said, “See? He’s not an issue.”
I placed the phone down and sighed. “I trust you, Ricky. This has nothing to do with me thinking that you’d up and fuck him.”
“So we’re good?” He moved closer, only to be stopped by a raised hand.
“Keeping all this from me, combined with giving me no indication of what you’re feeling, is the real issue.”
“Well, then let me say what I’ve been practicing all day.” He took my hand and dragged me over to the couch. Forcing us both to sit, he twisted to face me full on. “I feel the same way you do.” The smug smirk on his face meant he was proud of himself. “I have for a long time.”
“You’re right. I can understand why those two sentences needed a ton of practice.” Jesus Christ, this man and his constant deflecting to me. “Is that it?”
“No. There’s more.” He took my hand between both of his. “I love you, Cooper.” Shit, I’d waited to hear those words for so long, but now they held lighter weight. It all seemed a touch disingenuous after that unfortunate truth had been revealed. I hated feeling that way. This was huge for him. At my reflective silence he continued. “Every annoying, logical, baffling inch of you. I love you.” When I still hadn’t responded, he prompted, “Say something.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“But?” I ignored the subtle clench in his jaw and forged on.
“But… I wish I knew that sooner.” Because I’d never know if he’d finally said it out of guilt—but I kept that to myself. “Ricky, again, I have no concern it’s Corey you want. But I can’t wrap my brain around the fact he spurred something in you. Before we started, you avoided my question when I asked what you would’ve done if Corey were to come back into your life. And now he has, and I’ll never know whether that need of yours came from regret, resolve, or confusion.”
“I’m willing to prove to you it wasn’t any of the above. He’s the past.” He placed our hands over his heart. “That need came from here, Cooper. And I want us to pick up where we left off and forget this.” When he leaned in to kiss me, I kept it chaste and pulled away. I wasn’t there, and Ricky gave me the space with a firm nod. “Okay, where do we go from here? Tell me.”
“I think we have some loose ends to address before we can figure out what happens from here.”
Ricky
“I don’t have any loose ends.”
“Yes you do,” he challenged, and like an idiot, I stared at him. “I think it’s best I head back to Jersey to figure out my shit, and you stay here to figure out yours.”
“I’m confused.” I stood to pace the room. “I say I love you, and you think it’s best to leave?” I asked, frustrated beyond belief. Gripping the back of my neck, I stared at the ceiling and sighed. I’d just poured my soul out and hated it wasn’t enough. Fuck Corey. Cooper was the best thing to happen to me, and I refused to let that motherfucker ruin it. “What more do you want from me, Cooper?” No response forced me to look at him, and I wasn’t prepared to see him so exhausted.
“I want you to be a participant, Ricky, not a spectator.”
I stopped pacing and faced him head-on. “What the hell are you talking about? I’ve been in this with you since day one.”
It was Cooper’s turn to sigh as he stood. “Before we even began, yes, you’d been very vocal with your opinions—accusing me of living in denial, burying my head in the sand. It was easy for you to tell me what I should be doing, how I should be acting, when it didn’t involve you. It took months for me to slowly realize you were right. I had been in denial my entire life. And a bigger part of the puzzle was why I’d been so inexplicably drawn to you. But once I figured it all out, it didn’t take me long to accept my truth.