“And I didn’t hastily come to the decision that I wanted you. Yet when I said as much, you still questioned me at every turn. How could I be sure I wanted you? How could I so eagerly tell my parents? How could I be sure I was indeed gay? I attributed your doubts to your past, all while proving over and over again I was all in. Maybe my progress scared you? You no longer could put it all on me, blame my confusions, my denials.”
“You know why I needed to be sure that you were sure. I couldn’t handle another man using me as he experimented with his sexuality.”
“I get that,” he quickly responded. “But can you see the irony? After pushing me so hard to face my own insecurities, it was you who then went silent on me once we came together. And now, after months of silence, I’m still waiting for you to be present.”
“Fine, it took me long to admit it, but I’m telling you now I want us to work.”
“Okay? How? Tell me what you want happening between us.”
“Cooper. You yourself said you had loose ends to tie up.”
“And I do,” he admitted. “But that is my issue and my unfinished business. And it has nothing to do with us.” His eyes remained steadfast during his delivery. “What you need to do is figure out where you want us to go from here.”
“Where I want us to go from here?” I repeated, clearly not prepared for that question. Again, I stared at him, dumbfounded. “So the ball is in my court?”
“Hasn’t it always been in mine?”
“For obvious reasons. I’m gay. You weren’t. I can’t tell you to move here, Cooper. I can’t tell you to give up everything and face resentment down the road.”
“Using my situation as the excuse for every damn thing we’ve been through no longer flies with me, Ricky. Sure, none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t gone through my self-discovery, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s water under the bridge. I’ve proven I’m in. It’s time for you to grow a set and decide what it is you want out of this relationship.”
“And saying I love you doesn’t accomplish that?”
“No… it doesn’t. It’s about time you tell me what you want for us.”
He was putting it all on me. And maybe in a few months, I’d be able to tell him to give it all up for me. “How can I do that knowing what you still face once you get home? This could all be in vain.” He claimed he was all in, but he had no way of truly knowing that until he recalibrated and settled back into his real life. Not this honeymoon, of sorts, we’d had in Florida.
“And there you have it,” he said with a sad smile. “You still don’t trust my decision. You still think something or maybe even someone will have me changing my mind.”
Fuck. He was absolutely right.
Feeling defeated, I plopped in a chair, staring at my hands. “Well, tonight didn’t go as I planned.”
“No, but maybe Corey appearing out of the blue is the universe trying to get us to take a breather. We both knew this day was coming.” He came to where I sat and squatted between my spread knees. “This break will be good… for both of us. Without the hot sex, maybe we can use our other heads to gain clarity.”
“I like using sex to gain clarity,” I argued.
“I’m well aware.” He leaned up and kissed me before adding, “Thank you for loving me… even though I kind of knew you did.”
“Did you ever give me a choice?” I asked.
“I can argue the same for you.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Cooper
I did end up staying the night at Ricky’s, using the time to just be together. We stayed off the topic of our “loose ends” and refrained from sex. We did mess around, taking it back to the early days, when experimenting provided deliciously torturous foreplay. I think Ricky did that on purpose… satisfying my need just enough, yet leaving me with a vulgar hunger to take back home with me.
But come morning, reality set in. He seemed to be equally distraught, delaying my exit with lingering embraces and scorching kisses. For his benefit, I put the stress of figuring things out on both of us, even though he needed to steer our future. How long it would take would remain to be seen.
We agreed to give each other the space we needed. Being away from him would be my own special purgatory, and when I finally walked out of his condo, my chest hurt to the point I almost ran back in, forgetting all my concerns.
Until our heart-to-heart, I had considered moving my life there. Except for my parents, who were on the cusp of buying near Rebecca’s place for winters, and my brother, who was a workaholic, there was nothing keeping me in Jersey. Impressed with University of Miami’s English department, I had applied on Rebecca’s insistence after we’d returned from Indiana.
But knowing he still didn’t trust the shift in my sexuality meant that until he did, I’d be staying put. Having that come-to-Jesus moment with Ricky explained why he’d been holding back all along. His heart and body may have wanted me, but his head waved the same red flag as it had while with Corey.
My last day at Marco and Rebecca’s sucked for so many reasons. Getting her to understand why I was leaving early was not fun. She resorted to every tactic, even reminding me my apartment was still under a Life Swap contract, one that I’d purposely had expire at the end of July just in case this very situation happened… the need to leave Florida, specifically. Making it very clear she wasn’t on board with our separation, she did all she could to convince me to stay. Admitting I had fallen in love with Ricky but still needed time apart to work things out was what had her finally backing off.
Voicing my feelings out loud should’ve scared me. Instead, it helped me realize that I had never experienced a love like this. I now got it… I finally understood why those who were in love defended the need to do whatever it took to find your person. Yes, the man drove me insane on so many levels, but it felt like I’d left a piece of myself behind in Florida. That was monumental for me.
Since getting back to Jersey last night, memories of our time together continued to dominate my thoughts. I should’ve been unpacking but couldn’t bring myself to open the damn suitcase. Having him front and center in my mind made little room for much else. Even the daunting task of coming out to my siblings, and a few of my closest friends at the university, didn’t consume me as it should have.
Still, it was something I had to do. I decided to tell Sam first and made plans to meet him in the city for dinner Tuesday. But when the time came to head out, I procrastinated for several reasons. Telling my brother that I was gay should’ve been the sole contributor for my hesitancy, but missing Ricky more than I’d expected made me feel exposed. Stupid, I knew… one could argue being vulnerable went with the territory when coming out to loved ones.
Yet not having Ricky by my side unsettled me more than the actual task. Because of that, the urge to talk to him was fierce. I’d called after landing, and again after I got to my apartment, but we hadn’t spoken since. Regardless, it was time to come out to my brother.
When I pulled open the restaurant’s glass door, I was twenty minutes late. I walked toward the hostess, but spotting Sam had me bypassing her with a smile.