“Just the guy I was waiting to see! I finished The Audacity of Hope last night. It was great! That Barack Obama could really make a great president!”
I was so confused, I simply replied, “Huh?”
“The book you gave Tyler about the candidate you like,” he replied.
I had completely forgotten I’d given Tyler that book to read to learn more about Barack Obama. I was so dumbfounded by what was a completely new experience of white parents for me.
I was a huge Barack Obama fan. I had the opportunity to get familiar with him during my freshman year and made it my life’s work to get everyone to love him.
I eventually caught myself and told him I was happy he enjoyed the book. I called him “Mr. Matthews,” and like his wife, he asked me to call him by his first name, Tim.
Marissa and Tim spent a great deal of time speaking to me and others that afternoon, about everything from politics to movies. For the first time, I felt like I was around a white family that respected me.
I wasn’t the only one who was enjoying myself. Denise had been anxious about meeting Tyler’s parents, but they hit it off. You could tell they loved her, as they were making those “you’re too good for our son” jokes.
In addition to his parents’ friends, some of Tyler’s relatives were also there, but I hadn’t paid much attention to them.
The day went on, and we were having a blast. But, as Murphy’s Law says, “Whatever can go wrong will go wrong,” or in the case of my life, “Whatever can go racist will go racist.”
Don’t steal this saying: I’m getting it trademarked. “Freddy’s Law.” Also, I never go by “Freddy,” but you know, Murphy . . . Freddy . . . you get it.
At some point in the afternoon, Cory, Jayvon, and I were in the pool, and Denise was sitting on the side with her feet in the water. We had been at Tyler’s house for hours with no problem, until suddenly we heard him yelling from the kitchen, where he had gone a few minutes earlier to get us some snacks.
“Don’t talk about her like that!” Tyler yelled.
A woman’s voice I didn’t know responded, “Calm down, Tyler. It was just a question! You’re going to cause a scene!”
“No, you’re the one causing a scene!” Tyler replied, and then came out to the pool.
Marissa and Tim walked over, and his mother asked, “What’s going on, Tyler?”
The next moment, a woman appeared from the kitchen who, Cory informed me, was Tyler’s aunt.
“He’s being dramatic, Marissa. I simply asked him a question,” his aunt said.
“I’m not being dramatic! She’s being racist toward Denise!” Tyler responded.
As soon as he said this, I started looking around for the exit. This was my cue. I was going to grab a few more of them burgers and get the hell out of there.
“I was not! I simply asked if he was serious about her,” his aunt replied.
“Is that all you said, Mary?” Tim responded, as if he knew she was lying.
Before she could respond, Tyler said, “What you asked me was if I was serious about her. Because, you said, I couldn’t marry a Black woman, especially not one as dark as her.”
It was completely silent at that point. Everyone was listening, including Denise.
I knew I wouldn’t have time for the exit at that point, so I figured I could hold my breath underwater until it was all over and then duck out.
Marissa looked at Denise, who was still sitting on the edge of the pool, obviously in shock and nervous.
“Did. You. Say. That. Mary?” Marissa responded.
“I mean, yes, but I—” Tyler’s aunt tried to respond before Marissa cut her off by saying, “Get the hell out of my house, Mary.”
She looked shocked, and immediately turned to Tyler’s dad. “Tim, are you going to let her kick me out? I’m your sister.”
“Yes, and I suggest you go before I put you out,” Tim responded.
Tyler’s aunt stood there for a moment, as if trying to get a few last whiffs of those good-ass burgers Tyler’s family made.
“Now!” yelled Marissa. Tyler’s aunt grabbed her things and left.
I’m a huge fan of slow claps. I try to start them all the time at the movies. If there was ever a moment for a slow clap, this was it.
The direct response to the racism of their family member was commendable, and in fact what Tyler and his parents did next was a textbook way to handle racism as a white person.
Tyler, Marissa, and Tim all went over to Denise to apologize to her and see whether she was okay. She was rightfully emotional, so Tyler took her inside and spent time with her.
Next, Tyler’s parents came over to me, Cory, Jayvon, and a few other kids of color to apologize for “putting us in a traumatic situation.”
This was the first time white people had apologized to me for racism and done something about it. It was the last time as well. Not that I haven’t dealt with racism since. (On the contrary; I’ve dealt with enough racism in my life to fill a book. Get it?) It’s just that no other white person has taken the time to hold themselves accountable for it.
We ended up leaving the pool party shortly after that incident took place, but it wouldn’t be our last time at the Matthews’s home. The way they stood up against racism and defended us against their own family made us comfortable enough to continue spending time with them until they moved years later.
Being someone who supports people of color and stands against racism isn’t easy. Sometimes it requires sacrifice and having difficult conversations—but that will never be as difficult as actually being impacted by racism.
Some people think they can be an ally while also letting the people close to them continue to be comfortable in their racism. In the case of Tyler’s family, this would be like if his parents hadn’t kicked his aunt out of their house but had still apologized to us for her racist behavior. That’s not being an ally. That’s being a coward. No one would be comfortable being racist around someone who truly stands against racism, because they would know there’d be consequences. (Like getting kicked out of their own family’s home.)
Let me repeat that: No one would be comfortable being racist around someone who truly stands against racism. If you still have racist friends in your life, you aren’t truly standing against racism.
It’s rare to find allies like the Matthews family, but there are a few. Jessie Daniels is one.
I was particularly interested in speaking to Jessie because her story is rare from all quarters. Jessie is both a white ally attempting to do her part in combating racism and the granddaughter of a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I really wish I didn’t have to ask you to learn more about the Klan if you aren’t familiar, but we are here to grow. Which means that not all of the things you should learn about are going to be positive.
Jessie first spoke to what made her want to become the ally she is now.
JESSIE: When I was in graduate school, I worked on this project with Joe Feagin. He and a colleague of his, Mel Sikes, wrote a book called Living with Racism. And I was a research assistant for him and transcribed all these interviews, about two hundred or more interviews with middle-class Black Americans, describing their experiences of white racism in the contemporary setting. This was the ’90s. But listening to that, to those interviews and Black interviewers with Black participants in the study—as a white woman sitting there transcribing, typing every single word of the interview, it really changed me. It was a transformative experience for me.