As we entered the room, I noticed the beer and ribs and side dishes on the coffee table.
“You were eating.”
He looked down at the plate and shrugged. “I was going to try. I went over to Arden’s after I invited the family there—”
That made me snort. “You invited everyone to Arden’s?”
“I like her house. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to tell them everything if I was sitting in my own home, stressing out.”
“I went over to Hazel’s place.”
“So, we needed to get away from home to share the news.”
I nodded and took a deep breath. “I told the others.”
He paused, studying my face. I didn’t know what he saw there, as I didn’t know what I felt. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t think that’s the right question to ask,” I answered honestly.
“What did the girls say?” he asked.
“They weren’t upset. I thought they might disown me or something.”
“I thought that was going to be my line regarding my siblings,” he said, relief in his tone.
“They don’t hate us?” I asked, afraid of what the answer would be.
Confusion spread over his face, and he shook his head. “They could never hate you, Myra. I don’t think they quite understand why we kept it a secret, though.”
“I’m not sure I do either, at least not back then.”
He nodded. “We were young and stupid.”
“Being young and stupid can’t be an excuse for everything. But I can use it for now.”
He swallowed hard, and I watched his throat work. I did my best not to think about it. It was so hard to do when he was right there. Everything was different now. And I hated that I knew I could fall again if I weren’t careful. Because this was Nate. It had always been Nate.
“My family just told me I needed to clean up my mess. And not fuck up again. They’re on your side in this.” He paused. “Not that there are sides. Because there shouldn’t be.” He moved forward. I froze, but I didn’t step back. When he reached out and cupped my cheek, I wondered if I should move away. If I should run.
“I’m so sorry.”
“You already said that,” I said icily. Ice was my only defense against him. It always had been.
“Arden told me I needed to make sure you understood that I was sorry. But that I should show you and not simply tell you. I’m trying to figure out exactly what that means and how to do it.”
“I don’t know what it means either.” A pause. “Nate. You believed my parents. You mentioned photos before, but I didn’t know what you meant. But you believed them. In my mind, you believed them too easily.”
“I shouldn’t have.”
“I don’t know. If I had seen photos of you with another woman, I might’ve believed the lies, too.” I let out a breath. “You have to understand, though. My parents did their best to always tell me what I should do. They put me on my college track, and when I tried to defy them and go to a different school, they ensured that I declared for the major they insisted upon.”
“I remember. But you’re an artist now, Myra.”
“Yet I nearly earned the economics degree they wanted. Instead, I went for business so I could run my own life and career. I took art classes on the side and continued doing what I loved. My grandmother pushed me to do what I wanted.” My voice broke at the mention of her, and he brushed his thumb across my cheek.
“I’m so sorry you lost her, Myra.”
“I don’t want to talk about her right now. I can’t, Nate.”
“I understand.”
“Nate,” I whispered and then took a step back. “I can’t think when you’re touching me.”
“That’s always been our problem,” he muttered.
“Yes, it’s always been a problem of ours. But not our only one. My parents twisted everything. They did their best to ensure that I was reliant on them and was the perfect daughter. And when I didn’t turn out to be, they broke everything around me so I had to crawl back to them. They provided the only path to my sanity. And I didn’t find my way out until almost too late. But by then, they’d already shattered everything I had with you. We were married, Nathan.”
“I remember.”
“And it was the most idiotic and romantic and amazing thing I’ve ever done in my life. We were still figuring out what it meant to be married. We were so young. We didn’t even have a chance to find our path together because my parents stepped in and did their normal manipulating. And we both fell for it. If you would’ve just let me know why—”
He leaned forward. “I thought that I wasn’t good enough for you. That we married too young, that it was a mistake. And that you were going back to what was good for you.”
It felt like a cold slap after so many years. “And you didn’t let me decide what was good for me.”
“I know. I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I could go back and change all of that.”
“The thing is, Nathan, would things have been different?” I asked.
His gaze shot up to mine. “What do you mean?”
“If we had stayed together, if we had moved past the lies my family told, would we have remained married? We were so young and still finding ourselves even while falling for each other. Would I have found what makes me whole? Would you have become the man you are today?”
The silence between us was palpable, and I could see Nate’s mind working as mine struggled to catch up.
“We can never go back,” he said.
“We can’t.”
“But I can do everything in my power to make sure you understand that I’m sorry as we try to find a way to move forward.”
“And what do you want to move forward to?” I asked, my breath growing shallow as he moved forward again.
“I don’t know, Myra. But I need to do something. Will you let me?”
“Let you do what?” I asked.
And then his lips were on mine, and I didn’t push him away.
I should have. This was not talking. This was not what we should be doing to find our truth and the answers we needed.
And yet my arms moved around him, and it was as if no time had passed.
This was the man I had loved. The boy I had fallen for and then married and promised my life to. And his mouth was on mine now. I sank into him, needing more.
I kissed him back, but when his hands skimmed down my back to cup my butt, pulling me against him, I nearly swooned. I could feel the long, thick line of his erection, and memories flooded back. How he made me feel, the way he felt inside me. I knew we should stop.
This was a mistake. Yet, I didn’t push him away.
“I don’t want to talk,” I whispered.
“We don’t have to,” he said before biting my lip and then kissing down my neck.
“Just this once,” I whispered.
“This is crazy,” he breathed.
“Shut up and kiss me.”
His lips claimed mine. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t real. It had to be a dream. Or maybe it was one last time, and then we could walk away. I didn’t know. I couldn’t think. I’d missed Nate so damn much.