“You don’t look happy,” Jacob remarks as his thumb grazes my cheek.
I lift the frame, remembering that day. “It was the longest deployment we had ever done. I remember getting dressed to go and not caring about anything other than being done.”
“What do you mean?”
I hated this deployment. I hated everything. “Homecomings are a mix of emotions. There is so much uncertainty, frustration, relief, and anxiety.”
“I figured they were a big party. That’s what it was like when Connor returned.”
I shake my head and give him a small smile. “For single guys, they are. For the married guys, so much changes while they are gone that it’s an adjustment for everyone once the joy wears off. He was so ready to come home and have everything be normal again, and I just couldn’t muster the energy to be happy about that. Every time Luke left, we all had to learn to deal. Our daily routines were thrown off, and we had to find a way to make it through. We’d settle into it, get our home running, and then he’d come back, once again, throwing it off. This deployment was supposed to be six months, but then he got stop-lossed twice because of issues with other squadrons, and it ended up being eighteen months. As the kids were bouncing in their seats to see their dad, I was dreading it.”
His hand finds mine, and we lace our fingers together. A simple gesture that offers the support I need to get through this. The emotions of that day were ones that I struggled with admitting to myself. With Jacob, I don’t feel guilty. It’s as if I know he won’t judge me and maybe he’ll even understand it.
“Because you were tired.”
I look up, his piercing green eyes with yellow flecks stare back at me. “Yes.”
“And you felt guilty about it?”
“More than you know.”
“Why else?” he pushes, and I hate that he knows me well enough to know I’m holding back.
“Because I didn’t want to go through it again. I just wished he’d stay gone or come back and stop leaving. I was so lonely and tired of being lonely, you know? I wanted my husband. My kids deserved a father who was there. And I knew all of this was unfair to Luke. It was just how I felt, and I hated myself for it.”
Jacob’s gaze doesn’t move and that pull that’s constantly between us grows. “Any man would understand how you felt, Brenna. He would’ve seen the sacrifices you made. I can’t ever imagine what it was like, but Connor talked about the hardship of marriage and the military. I’m sure that, no matter what you think, if he had known how you felt, he would have understood too.”
I fight back the urge to cry. He has no idea how much I needed to hear something like that. All these years, I’ve held on to it. I never told Luke how I felt, and it felt like a betrayal. There he was, fighting for our family, dealing with his own stress, and I was being petulant.
I release my hold on his hand and step back. “I hope so, and I’m also pretty sure there was a time or two he felt the same.”
“Then why are you holding on to the guilt?”
Tears well in my eyes, blurring Jacob’s face. “Because now he’s gone and will never come back. There won’t be another homecoming for us.”
“No, and I’m sorry that you’re alone again.”
A tear falls, and I wipe it away. “I’m being ridiculous. It’s been almost a year, and I have tried to move forward, but it’s hard. We fought the day before he died. I think that’s what still weighs so heavy on me.”
It’s as though a dam has been opened and the truth of my heart is spilling out. Unfortunately, Jacob is in the path of it all.
“What did you fight about?”
Another tear falls. “He was supposed to watch the kids the next day. He promised me that he would be home and cleared it with his command. I had a court case for a child abuse charge that I needed to be at. Then, at nine, right after we got the kids to bed, he got a call that he had to fly. He was an hour short, and he had to be in the air before noon, which meant he had to work.”
I don’t remember the things I said. I know I was angry and so was he. I’d always grappled with why his career was more important than mine. It was the way it always was, and most of the time, I accepted it. I made the sacrifices for him because that was what society told me I should do. There was a part of me that was resentful that it didn’t matter that I worked just as hard to get where I was. I was a mother, and regardless of whatever income I made or how important my job was, I would always be a mother and a wife who just happened to work.
So, I unloaded.
“Listen, I get guilt. Trust me, I’ve practically drowned in it over the years, but Ellie helped show us that forgiving ourselves is the best way to help move past it.”
“I just always wondered how he could walk out that day and dismiss me so easily. It was as if our marriage shifted the second that door closed.”
He places his finger under my chin, lifting until we’re staring at each other. “He knew how you felt. Trust me, no man would let you go without a fight.”
My breathing starts to increase, and I step back, needing to put some distance between us. I’m too raw, too vulnerable, too emotional, and too lost in the past. My mind isn’t working, and I need some space. “I have to check on dinner.”
Jacob seems to understand and nods. But he leans in and gives me another soft kiss. “Of course. I’ll just go check on Sebastian.”
“Perfect. He’s the second door on the right.”
I enter the kitchen and lean against the counter. I’m falling in love with him, and I don’t have a chance in hell of stopping it.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Brenna
“You were right,” Jacob says as he wipes his mouth. “This lasagna is the best I’ve ever had.”
“You don’t have to lie.”
“I’m not! It was great.”
Sebastian agrees. “It was your best ever, Mom.”
“It really was, Mom,” Melanie adds on.
I smile at my sweet kids. “Thank you. Now, can you guys clean up, and I’ll be in to do the dishes in a bit.”
Melanie rises first, grabbing the plates before Sebastian takes the rest.
“Thanks again for this,” Jacob says. “I swear I will move you up the rung now.”
“Oh? Who will I overtake?”
“Sydney. God love the woman, but she cooks like shit.”
I burst out laughing. “I’m sure she’d appreciate you saying that.”
He raises his hands. “Hey, I’m starting to feel bad for Declan.”
He’s a mess. “Would you ever say that to her face?”
“Not a chance.” Jacob leans back in the seat, arms stretched out and grin wide. When he sits back upright, he sighs deeply. “I envy this.”
I look around to see what he’s looking at. “The mess?”
“The fact that you sit around with the kids and eat dinner. When my mom was alive, dinner was sacred. The four of us hated it, of course, but looking back . . . I wish we had more of them.”
“You were close with your mom?”