“And what?”
“Are you thinking of keeping it?”
The thing is, until she said it, I had no intention of it. I don’t want to live here, but suddenly, I see myself doing just that. I know actors who have multiple homes and get to live a life away from the hustle of Hollywood, but I don’t know if I’m there yet.
I’m still learning and growing my career. There are more roles, different ones, that I want to take. If I can’t get to auditions, I’m not sure how that would work.
I huff and look toward the gravesite. “No. If I need to feel close to her, I can come visit you fuckers.”
He nods. “Yeah, but it’s not yours. Don’t you want a piece of it? It’s not like you need the money from the sale.”
That’s not why I want to get rid of it. It’s because I don’t need a connection to this place. Sugarloaf holds no future for me.
“I don’t need the headache.”
“I’m prepared to buy you out, Jacob.”
I figured that was going to be how this went. Sean owns the house, and the last portion of land makes sense for him to buy. Connor took a great piece in the back that has the tree house he built, and Declan bought the land that butts up to Sydney’s, which made it huge. When Declan’s friend Milo was out here, he did some research and found out my portion would perk, meaning they can build on it, making it more valuable.
However, I’m not taking money from my brothers. “I don’t want that.”
“You’d rather sell it to someone who would build a house?”
I shake my head. “No, I’d rather split my portion and gift it to you all. You’re right, I don’t need the money.”
“Do me a favor, don’t mention this to anyone else. Give it time, see where the rest of your six-month stint leaves you.”
“It’s going to leave with me getting on a plane,” I tell him.
“Okay, and if that’s the case, then we’ll discuss buying you out or you signing it over. Whatever you want.”
I release a heavy sigh. “I figure it’s the least I can do for my nieces and nephews. I went from having no chance of being an uncle to being one to many.”
Sean laughs. “Yeah, I didn’t see this being our lives.”
“Maybe not, but I’m happy for everyone, especially you. You and Devney are going to be great parents.”
“You would be a great dad too, Jacob.”
I don’t want to think about that. “I left that behind me a long time ago.”
“We all thought that.” My brother smiles and jerks his head. “Thanks. Go talk to Mom. I’m going to go tell Connor and Declan before the barbeque tonight.”
He heads out, and I turn toward the grave. I squat and press my palm to the top of the headstone. “Hey, Mom.” Each time I come here and talk, I feel ridiculous in the beginning. Rationally, I know she’s not here. This place really doesn’t hold her, but seeing her name makes it feel like she might be.
“It seems that you’re having a busy day here with your needy sons. I wish I was here to tell you good news, but nothing like a baby or a marriage from me. Instead, I’m not sure what I really came out here for. Maybe I just needed to talk and have no one give me their advice.”
That’s most likely the real reason. “I met a girl. She’s everything you would want for me, Mom. Plus, she has these two kids who are great too.” I release a heavy sigh, hearing the shift in my voice as I think of Brenna. “My feelings don’t matter because I can’t bring her into my world. I can’t give her the kind of life she needs. There’s no stability, privacy, or chance at real happiness like she would want. She wants to live a life that someone like Connor could give her. Where the man she loves is reliable and around.”
Brenna telling me that she felt alone even though she was married was that nail in the coffin. When I’m shooting a movie, I’m gone for months. There are no big breaks in the movie schedule I’m currently signed on for either.
“The thing is, even though I know all of this, I want to be around her,” I admit. “I keep telling myself that whatever I’m feeling will go away, but then I see her, and I want to kiss her, pull her into my arms, and . . .” I look back down at the name and remember that my mother probably isn’t the right person to confess that last part to. “I like her. I like her a lot. Mom, I could love her, and wouldn’t that be the fucking biggest joke?”
I try to imagine what my mother would say. I have no idea if her infinite wisdom would’ve extended into adulthood. Maybe she only had the right words for us as kids or we glorified the way she always knew what to say. I don’t think that last part is true because she really did. If we were sad, she could make us happy. If we were lost, she was the compass to show us where to go.
“I could really use your help because I’m afraid that I’m going to mess up, tell her how I feel, and not be able to fix it. How do I make myself not fall in love with her? Or how do I pretend I’m not already there?”
I may be an actor, but I can’t fool myself.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Brenna
The kids are staying at their friends’ houses, and I’m sitting in the living room, drinking a glass of wine, and eating chips. It’s not a glamorous evening, but it’s exactly what I need. The last few days have been difficult. My feelings for Jacob are growing, and as much as I tell myself to stop, I find it impossible.
I am in love with Jacob. Head-over-heels, want-to-write-his-name-on-my-notebook-a-hundred-times, carve-our-initials-in-a-tree kind of love.
So, I have to start preparing for a cataclysmic heartbreak. I lied to myself when I said I could do just sex with anyone. I’m a commitment girl, and apparently, I have a heart that doesn’t care about what I tell it.
When he leaves, I’ll break, and it’ll suck, but as Cybil says—I’ll survive. In the meantime, I need to protect myself as much as I can.
So, while what I want to do is call him and tell him to leave his door open for me, what I’m going to do is watch crappy television and not think about anything.
Only, as soon as my ass is nice and comfortable in the chair, there’s a knock at the door. I groan as I get up, wondering who is disturbing my night of rest, and see someone who I am not at all unhappy to have here.
“Jacob.”
So much for that plan.
“Sebastian texted me,” he says with a grin.
“Oh?”
“He said that he and Mel were out at their friends’ houses, so he couldn’t play a video game tonight.”
I lean against the door, smiling that my son gave Jacob the idea to come over. Also hating that I’m smiling because this is against the plan I just put in place. “So, you thought, hmm, that would be a perfect time to go seduce his mother?”
He steps forward, pulling me into his arms. “Can she be seduced?”
I feel like Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire. He had me at the knock on the door. I didn’t stand a chance. “Oh, I’m sure she can.”
He leans down, pressing his lips to mine. “Then I better get to work.”