Chapter 7
Connor
The sound of the doorbell roused Connor from the almost trance-like state he’d been in. His head snapped up from the carburetor he’d been working on, parts strewn all across the drop cloth that lay across his kitchen table.
He glanced down at his grease-covered hands and called out, “Be right there.”
Damn it. He didn’t have time to wash the grime off. He’d just have to be satisfied with a quick swipe of the rag over the black streaks and hope that was good enough.
He opened the door and froze in place.
Luna stood there, looking beautiful and fragile. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her skin was pale. His heart clenched in his chest. “Shit. Did something happen to your grandfather?”
Her mouth formed a small ‘o’ shape and her brows shot up. “Oh, God, no! Sorry to scare you like that.”
His breathing slowed slightly. He hadn’t even realized it had sped up and gotten shallow until it slowed enough for him to breathe comfortably again. He stepped back and gestured her inside.
She stepped in, her eyes roaming over the room. He was glad it wasn’t a total disaster. Yeah, if he’d known she was coming, it would’ve been a hell of a lot cleaner than it was, sure - but it was fine.
Her eyes came to rest on the greasy pile of metal sitting on his kitchen table. “Wow. What’s that?”
“A carburetor,” he answered simply. He didn’t see any need to expand on it. After all, she hadn’t even told him what she was doing here yet.
She turned to face him. He was struck again by her watery eyes and air of vulnerability, so different from the confident and kickass girl in his memory. A shudder ran through him, along with a compulsion to wrap his arms around her and protect her from anything in the world that might try to hurt her.
But that’s not your place anymore, he reminded himself. That’s not who the two of you are now.
It wasn’t new information—in fact, it was information that he’d had to keep repeating to himself on a loop lately—but the mental reminder came with a punch in the gut. Seeing her there, it was almost like the years melted away, leaving them to slip into their old, familiar rhythm.
Almost.
Because the years and the pain that separated them were there, too. And those were just as real as the love. And that wouldn’t change as long as he didn’t know what the future held.
A small, trembling smile teased at her lips. “I just spent four hours with my grandfather in his hospital room.”
So, that explained the fragility. “How’s he doing?”
She nodded. “Good. Better than I’d imagined, actually.” She breathed out. “You should’ve seen the stuff that was going through my mind before I walked into that room. Trust me, it was gnarly.”
“I can imagine.”
She reached out and brushed her fingertips against his arm, never moving her eyes from his, almost as if the touch were an afterthought. Electricity crackled over his skin, radiating out from the points of contact.
His brain froze. All he could hear was the pounding of his heart echoing in his ears. It was so loud that he almost missed what she was saying. He had to work to focus through his racing pulse and engage in the conversation.
It was worth the effort, though, when he heard what she’d come to say.
“I almost had a panic attack right before I walked into his room. All of these terrible pictures were rushing through my brain. Grandpa Serge, pale and barely there, with machines pumping his heart and breathing for him. I didn’t think I could bear to see him like that. I just stood outside his room, nearly hyperventilating and letting the images control me.”
“I can understand that,” he said through the tightened muscles of his throat.
“But then, when I walked in, I realized that, even though it was hard seeing him there in that hospital bed, it was nowhere near as bad as the moments before I saw him, if that makes sense. Because before I walked into the room, fear of the unknown was making me crazy, filling my mind with insane possibilities and keeping me hostage to them.
“But as soon as I walked in and faced reality, no matter how hard it was, at least I was dealing with the truth, you know? Facing it head on.”
He nodded. He wasn’t really sure where she was going with all of this, but honestly, it was just kind of nice to listen to her talk.
She took a step closer, turned earnest eyes up to meet his. “I realized something, Connor.”
“What’s that?”
“I’ve been doing the same thing with us. All these years, not wanting to come back to Valentine Bay. Not wanting to face having a conversation with you. If I would’ve asked myself why at any point, I don’t think I even could’ve explained it to myself. I didn’t know why I did the things I did. But now I think I might be coming to understand it.”
“Okay.”
“I think it was the same thing that was going on when I was standing outside that room - fear taking over and making something loom larger in my brain than it did in reality. The longer we went without talking, the more afraid I got when I even thought about calling you, or - God forbid - setting foot back in Valentine Bay.”
“I can understand that, I guess,” he said, and he realized it was true. There were things in his life that he’d never taken charge of, and maybe that hesitation could be explained by the same type of fear she was describing.
She took both of his hands in hers, then, and looked straight into his eyes with the kind of clear-eyed gaze that only someone who’d recently been rocked by an epiphany could manage. “I don’t want to be controlled like that anymore,” she said, her voice low and steady. “I want to take control. I’m back here, back in Valentine Bay. That’s part of it. But talking with you, having a really honest conversation - that’s the other part.”
He swallowed hard. Shit, how many times had he imagined some moment like this, tried to will it into existence by the sheer force of his mind? It had always seemed like some “too good to be true” fantasy when it was only in his head. Now that it was really playing out in front of him, though, he was wary.
“I don’t know, Luna. I’ve spent a lot of time getting used to you not being in my life. A lot of effort building a world where you don’t figure in. I don’t know if I’m willing to risk that.”
Her eyes filled a little and his heart broke.
Just a few minutes ago he’d been consumed by the instinct to protect her from anything that might hurt her - and now he was the one doing that hurting.
She drew in a shaky breath. “I can understand that. But let me just ask you one thing.”
“Okay.”
She looked straight at him, her gaze clear and focused. “Are you happy? I mean, really…deep down? Us, whatever ‘us’ is, being unresolved - it doesn’t bother you? Because if you’ve truly moved on, of course I don’t want to topple your life.
“But, as for me, it doesn’t matter that I’ve tried to get past this. It doesn’t matter that I have a whole other life that is completely separate from us, and from Valentine Bay. There’s something deep inside me that wants resolution, even if it’s small, and late. No matter how far I try to run, it keeps coming back to this.”