I sat there in awe. When I had asked Shelley to watch Ben, it was because I was in a tight spot. I needed help. And as much as I hated asking for help, I found it in me to reach out to her. What she’d done this week with Ben was much more than just watching him after school. She’d helped him with homework, she’d cooked with him, she’d taught him some valuable lessons. She’d been the closest thing to a mother figure Ben had ever had in just one week. As much as that thought scared me, I couldn’t deny the happiness that radiated from my boy.
“Let’s get this stuff inside.” Shelley motioned to the last of the dirty dishes still left out on the table.
“Sure.” I got up, filling my hands and walking inside.
“Hey, Dad. When I finish those dishes, can I call Tommy? I promised to call him today.”
“Sure, go. I’ll do the last of it.” I pointed to the few bowls still in the sink while lifting the plates I held and adding them to the water.
“Thanks.” Ben dropped the sponge in the sudsy water and darted off to the living room. I took up his spot at the sink, finishing off his job while Shelley packed the last of the food and stuck it in the fridge.
“I can’t thank you enough for this week,” I said, after I’d finished cleaning the sink.
“Seriously, Adrian. I think I enjoyed it more than Ben. No need to thank me.” Her carefree, relaxed expression remained, but she stayed on the other side of the kitchen, not getting close to me.
“I’m sure he’s going to give me grief next week,” I said without thinking.
“I wanted to talk to you about that.” Shelley clamped her hands together in a tight grasp. “I was thinking…maybe we could work out something for the future. Maybe Ben doesn’t need to return to the sitter. At least not every day after school. I’d love to have him. And I spoke to Charlotte. I can work the early shift at the bakery and have Ben after school. Every day of the week, even. Charlotte is flexible. I don’t want to push myself on you, but I want to be here for Ben. I want to spend time with him.”
“Wow. Um… I don’t know what to say.” As appealing as her offer sounded, I couldn’t agree. I had a sitter in place. I had things figured out. I couldn’t rely on her. Shelley had a life before we showed up. It wouldn’t be right of me to ask this of her. I couldn’t tie her down like that. Shelley was young. Single. She didn’t want to be spending her time watching Ben each day after school.
“It’s a lot. I know. I’ve been thinking about this all week. Take some time. And let me know.” She drew her arms together, hugging herself.
“Hey.” I stepped forward, getting closer to her. Her face remained turned to the side, not meeting my gaze. “Shell.” I closed the distance between us and reached out to her, my hand meeting her arms, which were still wrapped around her middle. “You have no idea how much I appreciate your offer.”
A false smile marked her features.
“Hey.” I raised my hand and reached out to her chin, lifting it to face me. “Honestly. I don’t think anyone has ever stepped up like that for me. No one has ever helped me with Ben like that. You can’t even begin to imagine…” My voice trailed off. I was at a loss for words to express the magnitude of what this week had meant to me. “I’m not sure I’m ready to accept that kind of help on a permanent basis. I’m not sure it’s fair to you.” It was hard admitting it out loud, but Shelley deserved the truth. And I wasn’t sure I was ready to face her every day. Not with whatever it was that was happening between us. This was Zoë’s sister. I didn’t have a right to feel whatever it was I was feeling.
“I don’t want to push you into doing something you’re not comfortable doing. But like I said. The offer is there. I’m willing and able. And it would also mean a lot to me. Don’t forget, ever since my parents moved, I’ve not had any family close by. Having you and Ben here has been a godsend for me, also. You’d be doing me a favor, too, letting me spend more time with Ben.”
“Let me think about it, okay?” I searched her eyes, trying to communicate all I was unable to express properly. Didn’t she sense that spark growing between us?
“Okay,” she replied.
“Thanks.” I reached out to her, pulling her hand free and holding it in mine. That same electrifying tingle burned and raced up my arm.
Was I the only one feeling this?
She squeezed my hand, not offering a reply.
After getting home and putting Ben to bed, all I could think of was Shelley. The offer she made me and what it would imply. Ben being with her on a more permanent basis would mean I’d have to face the pull I felt toward her.
I walked into the living room, my eyes landing on my old sketchbook. The one I’d bought the day I got my acceptance letter to Berkeley’s art program. When I packed up everything we owned in Arizona and moved us out to Cali, I’d found it in the back of the closet. It had stirred a whirlwind of memories, and I’d nearly tossed it. But I couldn’t get rid of it. Even though I hadn’t touched that book in years, I tucked it in one of the cardboard boxes and packed it up. Once settled in our new home, I left it out. I didn’t know why. It was a sharp reminder of dreams lost. But I couldn’t seem to part with it or face the idea of stashing it at the back of my closet and forgetting about it for another decade. At first I’d looked through the few old drawings in it, the edges of the paper starting to yellow with age. A few landscapes, a couple of sketches of Ben as a baby.
A couple of weeks ago, I took my old pencils out and gave it a go. I was rusty. I hadn’t drawn in years; my hands were calloused from years of manual labor. But the pencil still fit in my fingers, the muscle memory intact after all the years of neglect. The strokes still came to me naturally, and the brush of the lead on the paper still soothed my troubled mind.
As I sat here on the couch, I twirled a pencil between my fingers. The pictures my hands had created since our move to Cali were new. Each one a different compilation, but each boasted the same face. One that occupied my mind during the day, and lately, my dreams at night. Shelley had become this mystery I couldn’t figure out, and I was drawn to her in ways I didn’t understand.
Was I ready to have Ben spend more time with her? Was I ready to spend more time with her? Could I handle that? Today I had initiated contact twice, and each time my body had responded. Was I ready for that kind of temptation? With Shelley? Was I strong enough to fight it? The logical thing to do would be to stay clear of the situation, avoid what had me so confused. But when I thought of Ben, I knew it would be unfair to be that selfish. Unfair to Shelley also. She wanted time with her nephew. Was I strong enough to give them both what they needed, and still keep enough distance to not let whatever this pull was that I felt around her drive me to do things I might come to regret? I stared at the latest drawing I was working on, Shelley’s eyes staring back at me.
Who was I kidding?
I was already in way over my head.
Chapter 8
SHELLEY
I pushed my legs harder and kept my eyes focused on the tree about ten feet ahead of me, marking the end of our sprint and workout. The burn in my thighs was so intense I felt like collapsing, but the competitive streak in me had me pumping harder as I saw Charlotte gaining on me in my peripheral view. A few more steps, and I could drop down and give in to the fire spreading up my quads and glutes. Running was one of my favorite ways to get a good workout. I had a fast metabolism, but even I still needed to work out a couple times a week to maintain my weight. I couldn’t get away with eating whatever I liked and not putting anything on like in high school or college anymore. Luckily, I enjoyed running, and Charlotte was a fun workout buddy.