Growing up as a foster kid in the placements I’d gotten hadn’t meant homemade cakes and well-wrapped presents. It meant the teacher announced it in class and everyone bombarded me with questions about what I’d be getting and why I wasn’t having a party. Even now, there was always a prickling claw of terror in my gut whenever the day rolled around.
“We should do something.”
Long after-class parties where moms brought in cupcakes or invited everyone to a kids’ play place with invitations stuffed in our lockers—I hated my birthday for all those bad memories that resurfaced as the day got closer and the new ones had been piled on top.
“No, we don’t have to. I’d rather just spend the day with you. We can go grab a movie or I can have Marisa make another pitcher of these drinks and you can have your way with me.”
Jules peered up at me, the hungry desire naked in her eyes. My sweatpants were a second away from becoming a camping tent. “Who said I need a pitcher of drinks for that?”
“That’s a one-way ticket to me not letting you out of this room for the next twenty-four hours.”
“Your sister’s here!” She pushed at my chest laughing. I loved that she called Alexis my sister. There was never a question in her voice or one of the strange looks everyone always gave us, and that made me love Jules even more.
That slammed into me hard and I tightened my hold around her waist. I loved her. And it would only be a matter of time before I lost her.
32
Jules
“I’m about to run into work, but I love the idea of making it like a kid’s party.”
“Berk never got to have those parties when we were growing up, so the sillier the better.” Alexis had warmed up even more after our snow day, even insisting on calling instead of texting to talk about Berk’s party.
“You’re thinking streamers, balloons, party hats?”
“The works. He’ll love it.” She actually sounded happy; maybe we’d gotten off on the wrong foot and things were slowly turning around.
“I hope I don’t accidentally let anything slip. I’m terrible at keeping secrets.”
“You’ve been pretty good at it so far.” There was a weird tone to her voice, almost accusatory.
“I’m here at work, so I’ve got to go. Thanks again, Alexis.”
“Don’t worry about it, Jules.” She ended the call and I slipped my phone into my pocket.
We were filming and I didn’t feel like I needed a trashcan on hand to puke, so today was a win. The last few shows had gone well and people were loving everything we made. Standing beside Avery, I’d thought people would keep putting in requests for me to step out of frame, but Max kept saying that everyone loved the way we interacted.
It wasn’t so scary to get up in front of everyone once those nerves wore off. Why had I thought this would be such a nightmare? It was actually kind of fun.
“Are we ready?” I walked into B&B without a single knot in my stomach. The butterflies were firmly in place, but usually melted away after the first few minutes.
Max slammed a laptop closed and shoved it behind her. Avery stood beside her and the camera lights were all off.
“What?” The not-there knots turned into a pit. “What happened?”
They both let out deep sighs in unison. “Let’s go sit down in the office.” Avery wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
I waited for some snark from Max about stealing her best friend, but nothing came. That made it even worse. Max scooped up the laptop and followed us.
“Did I get the date and time wrong?”
“No, you’re right on time.” Avery sat on the edge of her desk. Her bump was growing every day. She had a massive hockey baby in there, so it was only a matter of time before she was rocking the basketball look.
“You’re freaking me out. Whatever it is, please just tell me what I did. Did I forget to turn off the oven or something?”
Avery covered my hand with hers. “You did nothing wrong. I need you to know that. Know it, Jules.” She squeezed my hand.
I nodded. “Okay, so why are you two looking like you’ve seen a ghost?”
“Did you—” Max stopped and rubbed her hand along the back of her neck.
“Someone just tell me.” It came out like a screech, the panic finally boiling over.
“You were going to find out, no matter what. After Berk popped into the last video the views spiked a lot. Things were great and then they weren’t. The comments changed. We figured it would die down and we’d just delete them all, but then something new was added to the mix and it added fuel to the fire.” Max’s grim look turned the pit in my stomach to a yawning cavern.
“What—” I licked my sandpaper-dry lips. “What were they saying?”
She shook her head and opened the laptop. “If there was a way to hide it, trust me I’d have taken it out back, rolled it up in a carpet, and buried it out in the Pine Barrens. But it’s not stopping. These are asshole trolls, but you can’t be walking around blind out there.”
She turned the glowing screen toward me.
My smile stalled on my lips and I scanned the screen. In bite-sized comments, dripping with venom and humiliation, I scrolled through my life being shredded. Bile raced up my throat.
Dough Ho gets her sticky hands on a six-pack hottie.
Dough Ho.
I scrolled down the page and let out a sound from the deepest recesses of my fears and insecurities as one of my letters to Berk appeared on the screen.
They knew I was The Letter Girl.
‘She must give next-level head to get a guy like that.’
‘What’s a hottie like that doing with the Pillsbury Dough Girl?’
‘Her vag probably tastes like cinnamon rolls. That’s why he’s with her.’
And those were the kind ones. I clapped my hands over my mouth, trying to keep those noises from being wrenched from inside my chest. Someone took a screenshot from one of the videos and circled every roll and pucker on my body. Those problem areas I’d hated but had somehow convinced myself no one else really noticed. Oh they’d noticed all right. And they’d gone into detailed analysis of every way that I sucked and wasn’t good enough for perfect Berk.
Avery closed the laptop and wrapped her arms around me.
My shoulders shook and I tried to breathe through the burn in my chest and tears pooling in my eyes.
Max enclosed us both in a hug, and that was what broke me.
Ragged sobs wrenched free from my mouth and I buried my face in their shoulders. This was what I got. I was Icarus and Berk was the sun. I’d tried to be so careful. Not let my guard down too much or fall too hard too fast because I knew what it would mean for me. He had women lined up around the stadium for a chance to give him a lap dance and here I was the Dough Ho who didn’t make any sense standing next to him. It was like it was against the laws of nature and people couldn’t help but point it out.
Max and Avery rocked me until my sobs turned to tears and tears faded to hiccups and sniffles. I lifted my head and wiped at my eyes with my hands.
Avery grabbed a box of tissues off her desk and gave me one.