“Thanks.” It came out small and ragged, just like I felt right now.
“Is that note from you?” Max leaned in, keeping her hand on my shoulder.
I kept my gaze trained on the floor and nodded. Then I spilled the whole sordid story of the letters.
“And you never told Berk?” Avery held onto my hand.
I shook my head. “I—we weren’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to be this great guy who was interested in me. Once he was, I didn’t know how to tell him I’d been lying to him all this time.” The words caught in my throat, which squeezed even tighter.
“He’ll understand.”
I wiped at my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t know if I want him to.” What if once he saw these comments the lightbulb would go off? He’d turn and look at me and go, oh yeah, why the hell am I with you? The violent churning in my stomach got worse and I scanned the room for a trashcan.
As if conjured by my thoughts, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I looked at the screen.
BERK: Where are you? Are you guys not filming today? I was looking forward to watching you ;-)
Panic shot through my chest. I shut it off and shoved it way down deep in my bag. That was too much right now. Everything was slamming into me rapid-fire like a machine gun of pent up repercussions I’d somehow been awesome at dodging up until this very moment. Now they were all converging and hitting the bullseye with every single round.
Avery and Max assured me that all social media would be scrubbed, and told me to take as much time as I needed. I took a taxi back to my house. All I wanted to do was crawl under my sheets and not come out until the school year was over. Everyone would know. Everyone would judge. Everyone would be watching me.
I flung the taxi door open and froze a half-step out.
Berk sat on my front steps. Once he saw me, he stood up.
He knew.
Why else would he be here waiting? His gaze was trained on me like he was seeing me with new eyes.
I couldn’t face him right now.
“Can we talk later?” Like the scaredy cat I was, I scurried up the steps, bypassing him, and shoved my key into the door lock.
“Did you write the letters?”
“Berk, can we talk about this later?” My heart attempted a speedy exit from my throat. I opened the door.
“No, we need to talk about this now.” He wrapped his fingers around my arm, holding me in place. “LJ showed me some post saying you were The Letter Girl.”
Which meant he’d most likely seen everything else everyone had said.
“Yes, it was me.” Turning slowly like I was walking toward my executioner, I faced him, only meeting his gaze for a split second.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why’d you lie to me?” He raised his voice.
“Because I couldn’t open myself up to all this.” People stopped along the street to watch the show.
He looked behind him and stepped forward, shielding me and corralling me into the house. The door closed behind us and I was trapped inside with him.
“Jules, look at me.”
I couldn’t. The tears were back. They prickled at the backs of my eyes and I blinked to try to keep from dissolving into a puddle. “I think we should back off for a bit.”
“Because I found out you’re The Letter Girl?”
“You know that’s not why.” I took a deep breath, breathing through my nose even though it burned.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
I licked my lips. “Things are moving really fast and I think it would be best to chill out for a while.”
“You’re breaking up with me.” Hurt radiated from his voice.
“I’m barely to a place where I can look at myself in the mirror and not want to wear a snowsuit. I’ve hated myself for so long, and I’ve hated the way I look for so long, and I’m finally coming to a point where I’m okay with being me—most of the time. But what happened today…”
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. “What’s happening right now, with people talking about the letters and me and you together as though I’m a circus freak? I’m working hard on loving myself. I know I can get there. But I can’t do it under the searing spotlight at your side. I can’t do it when I know people are constantly looking at you and back at me and wondering why the hell you’re with me.”
“Because you’re beautiful and sexy and kind and bake a killer cookie.” He ducked his head to catch my gaze.
Squeezing my fingers, I stared at the floor between us. “I want to be strong enough for this, Berk. I do. But I’m not and I can’t force you to spend the rest of however long this lasts reassuring me every three seconds that everyone we pass isn’t thinking the same thing.”
“I don’t care what other people think.”
“I know you don’t, but I’m not there yet.”
“If you’re worried about other people around here, maybe go home for a few days. Lay low there and hang out with your mom and sister. Things will blow over.”
A hysterical laugh bubbled up from my stomach. “From the frying pan into the fire. Who do you think drummed these things into my head for the past twenty-two years? Do you know what it was like for me growing up?”
He stared at me like he couldn’t fathom anything other than a picture-perfect childhood shattered by the death of my father.
“But your mom was nice enough.”
“To you. She was so nice to you, but every word from her was trying to cut me down. Like seeing me happy for even a second offended her.”
“I’m sure it’s not—”
“I don’t even know if my own mother loves me.” My voice cracked and my nose was a split second from running. Another ugly cry was rushing to the surface and I didn’t need him here to experience it. “How about that? How’s that for some honesty? She’s the one person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally and I’m fifty-fifty on whether she’d even care if I disappeared off the face of the earth. Those are issues I’m still dealing with, and I can’t add being on your arm to that—not now.”
“We don’t have to end things because some asshat put things up on the internet. I don’t even know how they figured it out when I couldn’t.”
“It doesn’t matter. You deserved to know the truth and I’m sorry I lied.”
“That doesn’t matter now.” He reached for me and I stepped back.
“Do you know what she said at Laura’s engagement party?”
“No.” The word was small and quiet, like he didn’t want to scare me away.
“She said ‘It’s a wonder he sees anything in you at all.’ She threatened to cut me out of the wedding pictures if I didn’t lose weight. I’ve been getting that from her for as long as I can remember.
“Watching everything I put into my mouth like we’re rationing. Criticizing me during every shopping trip because I can’t fit into the same clothes as Laura.”
“I don’t care what other people are saying. And I don’t care that you’re The Letter Girl. I’m fine with it—more than fine with it.”
Tears trailed down my cheeks. “But I’m not. This is a tightrope I’m walking and I’m three minutes from flying into the kitchen and eating half the stuff I baked over the past week, but I won’t. I can be strong right now, but every day, knowing that’s what’s going on? I’m not that strong, Berk. I’m just not. This is my breaking point.”