Now I’d have to let Alexis know the party was cancelled. I curled up even tighter. Maybe she could still throw it without me. My heart felt like someone had taken a hammer to it—the claw end. A birthday party would help take Berk’s mind off how I’d slammed the door in his face as he asked me not to.
A figure loomed in my doorway and I screamed.
“Jesus Christ!” Nick jumped and stepped into the light, clutching his chest. His bare chest. With a towel wrapped around his waist. “Are you ever dressed?!”
He tightened his grip on the towel. “Sure, for classes and stuff. And it looks like you’re having a moment, so I wasn’t sure how to bug you.”
“Bug me for what?”
“That pomegranate body wash you bought is all gone. Do you maybe have some more?”
My laugh was pure disbelief. I shoved up off the bed and stalked to my closet, grabbing my spare bottle and shoving it at him.
“You’re the best, Jules.”
“I’ve been told.”
My stomach rumbled.
“Might want to take care of that. Also, you’ve been locked up in your room for days. It’s getting a little rank in here.” He fanned his face. “Maybe air it out a little.” He walked farther into my room toward the windows.
“Touch them and die.” I glared at Mr. Towel.
He raised his hands in surrender, backing into the hallway. “Sorry, just trying to be helpful.”
I trudged downstairs. There had to be some sliced turkey and cheese in there. Maybe some chips. Not that I needed chips. I stared down at my body. The body I’d worked so hard to love and accept, but sometimes—sometimes it was so hard.
The doorbell rang after the first bite of my sandwich. Divine intervention?
Opening it, there was no one there but the inky darkness of night. When the hell had the sun set? I stepped back to close it and spotted the bundle of notes, with the same paper Berk always used, with a daisy on top of it.
I looked out over the porch, but the street was silent. Taking it inside, I closed the door and opened the bundle. The notes had dates written across the top. I headed back to the kitchen to open them.
TLG where are you? It’s been over a week since your last letter. I didn’t think you were serious about ending this. That’s it? If you don’t want to meet, we don’t have to, but don’t just end what we have like this.
I slammed my lips together, trying to hold back the swelling emotion.
Please don’t end things this way. I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. Can you walk away like this didn’t mean anything?
The words swam on the page as tears welled in my eyes.
Just let me know you’re okay. Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry if I was too pushy.
I squeezed the letter to my chest, breathing through the ache in my heart. His sadness radiated from these letters. He’d never let me know, actual me. When he came over and talked about finding TLG the depth of his pain over the letters stopping never came through, but I had hurt him. I dropped my chin to my chest and my tears fell onto the neatly printed words.
Please.
A quiet sob shook my shoulders. Berk, I’m sorry. I squeezed my lips together and flipped to the next one.
I’m not even sure why I’m writing these letters anymore. I guess sometimes you felt like the only person I could really talk to. But I thought I should tell you, I’ve met someone. I think you’d like her. I don’t know why, but I think you would. I hope you’re okay.
My throat tightened and I flipped to the next one. This one was dated over a week ago, before the Dough Ho blow up.
This will be my last letter. Remember that girl I told you about before? I’m crazy about her. She’s kind and beautiful and makes me want to tell her things that would scare her away in a heartbeat. Things that I told you that made you stop wanting to talk to me. I don’t know how, but I’m going to show her how much she means to me without sending her running for the hills.
And I hope wherever you are, you’re happy.
I wiped at my tears and clutched the notes to my chest. Once again, I’d pushed him away. Once as TLG and now as me. I’d hurt him twice trying to protect myself.
Another knock on the door stopped me in my tracks.
I rushed to the front door and threw it open, looking at the floor and instead of another note, there were a pair of legs, attached to Berk.
“Berk.”
He stared back at me with red ringed eyes and I hated myself a little more. And that was why I was in this mess in the first place. I hated that I couldn’t be the perfect daughter my mother wanted. I hated that I couldn’t keep the family together as my dad would’ve wanted. And I hated myself so much that I’d shoved Berk straight out the door when all he’d ever been was amazing to me. He’d made me feel like I mattered from our first handshake with a wide smile that made my heart gallop in my chest.
The uncertainty in his eyes and the way he shifted from foot to foot made the tears I’d just wiped away rush back in.
“Hey, Frenchie. Can I come in?” He shoved his hands into his pockets.
I nodded, swallowing against the vise grip around my throat as I stepped back to let him in.
“I—” we both started at the same time.
An awkward huff shot from my lips. How did I even begin to say I was sorry?
“Jules, I’m crazy about you.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I needed you to know that. And… I know I promised I wasn’t going to say anything to send you screaming from the room, but I want to be completely honest with you. I love you.”
I gasped and his letters fell from my fingertips, dancing their way to the ground through the thick air laced with hope and possibilities between us.
“And I needed to say that. If you’re going to walk away from me, I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us. I’m head over heels in love with you. Hell, I even felt like I was cheating on The Letter Girl with how much I liked you even from the beginning. And I see you, Jules.
“I know there’s so much shit out there about women and their bodies and I don’t want you to think I don’t see you. I love your curves. I love your thighs and how strong they are when you wrap them around my waist.”
He wrapped an arm around me, tugging me close. “I love your arms. I love how you can use them to swing around that pole upstairs.” Dropping his arm, he threaded his fingers through mine. His gaze lifted. “And how you wrap them around my neck.” He pulled my arms up around his neck, my fingers brushing against his thick hair.
“But you’re not someone who’s been in the spotlight. I don’t even know what catty bullshit and terrible things you’ve listened to for who knows how long. And I don’t want to see you get hurt.” His words were whispers across my lips.
“If you need me to go and you don’t want to be with me, then I’ll respect that. I can’t force you to put up with everything that comes with being with me or force you to love me back.” His voice cracked and tears glittered in his eyes. “But I hoped you might.” Those last words were whisper quiet against my lips.
My tears couldn’t be held back. Words stalled in my throat and I tried not to ugly cry all over him. I’d never had someone so nakedly ask me to love them. Wasn’t that always me? Wasn’t I always the one searching for approval? Searching for love?