“I know you did, but when he called me, he was freaking out, and it slipped. What was I supposed to say? And plus, if you didn’t run into him by accident, I’m pretty sure you would stay a hermit to avoid him.” She slides a sandwich onto a plate and hands it to me.
“What do you mean freaking out? He was super calm with me yesterday. I walked away from that car, Meara. I sat down and couldn’t get Caroline out of my mind. I haven't thought about her in a while, actually, which made me feel guilty. Then Travis shows up. One touch and bam, Charlotte was seventeen years old again and in love with a man she couldn’t have.”
“Stop talking about yourself in the third person, it’s annoying. And he was freaking out because he didn’t know you were back. He said he saw you sitting there in the snow and thought he was hallucinating. Think of it from his side. How do you think you would have felt in his position?”
“What am I going to do?” I groan and take a bite of cheesy goodness awaiting her reply, but it doesn’t come. “I said, what am I going to do?” I look expectantly at my cousin. Aside from her short red pixie cut and multiple piercings and tattoos, we look identical. When we were kids, we used to get asked if we were twins all the time. If she didn’t have so much body art, we still would.
“Same thing I’ve been telling you. You tell him everything. You tell him the truth. You tell him about what happened after your parents died. You tell him about Todd. You tell him you still love him,” she says nonchalantly.
“Yeah, okay. I open the door and say, ‘Hey, Travis. I was with a guy who fucked me not only in ways that would make a porn star blush, but he fucked my brain so bad that I have to see a therapist and take anxiety meds. Oh, and I’m still in love with you.”
“Well, not exactly like that,” she whispers.
“I couldn’t even look at him, Meara. I don’t want him to find out; I’m too ashamed.”
“I know you don’t. Nobody’s saying you have to do it today, but eventually you’ll probably have to.”
“Why? It’s not like he still cares.”
“That is such shit, and you know it. Char, he cares. You know the guy has feelings for you. I don’t think he would judge you like you’re thinking.”
She’s right, and I think that’s what scares me the most. Knowing this wonderful man would accept me for who I am, even though I don’t deserve it. There are two things in my life that I’m utterly embarrassed about. One of them is the relationship I found myself in with Todd, and the other is how I lied to Travis. If I could go back in time, even after everything I went through with Todd, the only thing I would ever change would be that one lie to Travis. He will never trust me again.
Chapter 9
Charlotte
I WAKE UP SOMETIME in the middle of the night with a dry throat and an empty belly. Deciding I need to eat something, I head to the kitchen. As I’m pulling a plate out of the cupboard, I see the figure of a man out of the corner of my eye and scream. I drop the plate, and it shatters all over the floor, pieces of glass landing everywhere.
“Charlotte, it’s me,” Travis says softly as he turns on the kitchen light.
“You scared me. Holy crap.” I gasp for air and try to steady my breathing, something my therapist taught me to do when I feel a panic attack coming on. In for three, out for three. I repeat this five times, and like always, it works.
“Sorry. I called Meara to check on you, and she told me where you live. Don’t move; there’s glass all over.” He walks over, lifting me up gingerly, and sets me on the counter. I watch him in confusion as he cleans up the glass. I was right about his hair. It’s still shaved on the sides, but now it’s faded so there’s enough on top for it to stand up when he runs his fingers through it.
“What are you doing here?” I blurt out.
He throws the last of the pieces away and walks over to me, standing between my legs. He grabs a chunk of my now auburn hair and rubs it between his fingers before putting it behind my ear.
“Why did you color your hair?”
“Because I wanted a change. What are you doing here, Travis?” His being here is throwing me off. Part of me wants to grab onto him and never let go, while the other part wants to push him out the door. If he ever finds out about what I’ve done, he’ll never look at me the same. I want him to remember the girl I was, not the broken one I am today.
“Do you have to ask?”
“Well, obviously you’re here because of me, but what I mean is, you don’t have to be here. I’m fine, really.”
“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. Now, why are you up? Are you hungry?”
“Yeah.”
“Go back to bed, I’ll bring you something. What do you want? Meara said you were out of food, so I picked up some stuff on my way.”
“Travis, seriously, I can—”
“Char, stop. I know it’s been a while, but I still meant every damn word I said. Now tell me what you want to eat.”
“Just a sandwich, no may—”
“French dressing instead. Char, seriously?” He raises an eyebrow and shakes his head like I’m an idiot, and I guess I am.
“I didn’t think you’d remember.”
He looks over his shoulder, and his eyes bore into mine. “I remember everything about you. Now go to back bed, I’ll be right there.”
I lie in my bed and turn on a sitcom repeat. A few minutes later, he comes in with a sandwich and a glass of chocolate milk, my guilty pleasure. He really does remember everything. He hands me the plate, sets the glass on my nightstand, and sits next to me while I eat. When I’m finished, I turn my head to look at the man I’ve dreamt about for the last four years.
“I don’t even know what to say to you,” I tell him honestly.
“You can start with why you didn’t tell me you’re back.” His eyes pierce into mine with such intensity I have to look away.
Taking a deep breath, I decide to continue with honesty. “I’ve dealt with a lot of shit the past four years. I take that back. I’m still dealing with it. I guess I wanted to get adjusted before I brought you back into my life.”
“Why is that?” I hear the hint of humor in his voice. He’s going to make me say it.
“Because of our history. I know that your being around will throw me off what I’m trying to accomplish.” I take another deep breath and gather my thoughts. “That sounded a lot meaner than I meant it.”
“I know what you meant. It’s the same with you still, you know. The second I saw you, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Things are going to be different now with us. You need to know that I’m not the same guy I was the last time you saw me. And I was serious when I said I’d be waiting for you. Years apart and distance haven’t changed the way I feel about you.”
“But I lied to you.”
“You lied because you wanted to be with me,” he says, completely serious, evident by the thin line of his lips.
“Yeah,” I answer.
“Do you still want that?”
“I’m scared.”
“We’ll figure it out together. For now, just rest.”