Then, she turns.
And our eyes lock.
I stop breathing.
I’m sorry, I say with my eyes. I’m an idiot.
I know, hers say back.
Then she flips the blonde locks I love to feel between my fingers over her shoulder and shuts me out again.
I let out a staggered breath, nearly choking on the air.
“You good?” Paul asks.
“Not even fucking close, man.”
He follows my gaze. “Ah. Was wondering where she was tonight. You guys okay?”
I shrug. “I’m really not sure anymore.”
“Damn. You fuck it up that fast?”
I glare at him and he laughs, not scared at all.
“Caroline’s not the type of girl you let get away. She’ll haunt your ass for the rest of your days. You’ll turn into an old miserable fuck yelling at all the kids to get off your lawn.”
Don’t I fucking know it.
“All right!” The MC cuts through Paul’s words. “Let’s hear it for Henry, who never fails to woo us all with his rendition of Lady Gaga’s ‘Marry the Night.’”
The crowd cheers and whistles, clapping for Henry, a regular here at Lorde’s who always sings at least one Lady Gaga song.
“We’re going to take a short karaoke break, but we’ll be back soon with Joy, who promises to make us all swoon with their version of a popular love song.”
The MC switches off the mic and sets it on the empty stool, the house music blaring back to life.
“Anyway,” Paul continues, “whatever you did, you better apologize and make it grand.”
Make her listen.
Dean’s words echo in my mind.
I need to make her listen.
I need to make it grand.
I spring from my stool and push through the dancing crowd.
My feet don’t stop until I’m standing on the stage, microphone in hand, looking out at the wild sea of people.
The MC rushes me.
“Hey, dude. I know you’re probably excited to sing, but we’re taking a break and we have a waiting list we follow. You’ll need to wait your turn.”
He reaches for the microphone and I pull it back.
“Please. I just need it for a few minutes.”
“Sorry, no can do.”
“Please. I… Just please.”
He must see something in my eyes because he nods. “What do you need me to do?”
I whisper my plan into his ear, and he agrees.
“I’ll kill the music,” he says. “Good luck.”
The MC flips the music off and the crowd groans, complaining loudly, throwing daggers my way.
I don’t care about their attention.
I only want hers.
I flip the switch to on and the feedback screeches through the bar, drawing the eyes of just about every person in here.
“Shit. Fuck. Sorry.”
A few scattered laughs.
I hold the microphone down by my leg, taking a few steadying breaths.
“Shit or get off the pot, asshole!” someone yells.
I flip him off.
More laughs.
The entire bar is watching me raptly, wondering what I’m doing up here.
Make her listen.
I take one more deep breath, then lift the mic to my mouth.
“I’m an idiot.”
“We know!” another patron calls out.
I ignore them. “I’ve been lying to myself and everyone I know for a really long time.”
“Holy shit. Is he coming out to us?” another voice asks.
“Lord, I hope so,” a guy in the front answers, fanning himself.
“No dice. Sorry.”
I wink at him and he frowns. I chuckle, continuing.
“The lying started when I was fifteen and the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on moved in across the street. I was drawn to her instantly. One of those had-to-know-her kind of things, you know?” I tuck my hand into my pocket, trying to hide my shaking hands. “So that’s what I did. I got to know her. Forced her to be my friend is more like it. Why she took pity on the annoying-as-hell neighbor kid is beyond me, but she did.”
I grin, shaking my head at the memory.
“Anyway, so we became friends, right? And I thought, This is enough. This is all I’ll ever need to be happy. Her.”
A few people in the crowd let out a collective Aww.
“The more I got to know her, the more I liked her. Whip-smart. Funny. And, most importantly, a good human. Kind. Shy. She was like sunshine, and I was drawn to her warmth. I wanted to keep it forever. I thought I was in love with her, and I thought she loved me too. I mean, that had to be why she kept me around, right? So, I did the next logical thing—kissed her…and it turned out she did not feel the same way at all. But it was fine. I played it off as an accident and she was none the wiser. No harm, no foul.”
A few more scattered laughs.
“We stayed friends through high school. Moved away for college together. All the highs and lows of the life of a young twentysomething. Signing your first lease on a crappy apartment. Falling in love for the first time—for real. The inevitable Holy shit I hate what I went to college for, now what the fuck am I going to do moment we all have. Moving out of the crappy apartment and getting your first real nice place. All the really fun shit, you know?”
“Preach!” someone shouts.
“We were good. Golden. Best fucking friends forever. Nothing was ever going to touch us. Then she saw me naked and groped me, but that’s a story for another day.
“Something shifted between us. Something became impossibly clear. I wanted her. So, I took a page out of fifteen-year-old me’s book and I kissed her. Right here in this very bar.” I point toward the hallway. “Back there. That’s where my heart stopped beating, because this time? She kissed me back, and we didn’t stop there.”
“Yesssss!”
A whistle.
A few claps.
“What happened next?”
“I spent the last month and some change being happier than I have ever been.” I run my hand through my hair, hanging my head. “Until I fucked it all up.”
“I knew it!” someone hollers, and several people murmur their agreements, scoffing at me.
“I warned you I was an idiot,” I answer. “I screwed up and now she’s not talking to me. Shutting me out. And I get it—I deserve it. I meddled when I shouldn’t have. Disrespected her. Lied to her. But like I said at the beginning of this, I’ve been doing that for the last ten years.”
I lift my head, and I look over the crowd and right into Caroline’s eyes for the first time.
She’s staring back at me. Her blue eyes are wide, full of surprise and a little trepidation. Even from here, I can see the pink on her cheeks as everyone turns to stare at her, trying to get a peek at the girl I’m talking to.
“Accidents don’t just happen accidentally. That kiss when we were fifteen? That wasn’t an accident. I meant it. I meant it then, I mean it now. I’ve meant it for the last decade. Because, Caroline Elaine Reed”—her lips tic up when I say the wrong middle name—“I’m in love with you. Hopelessly.”
20
Caroline