“Hi, Oak.” Once I’m able to address her, my voice is unfamiliar, like someone else is speaking.
“Jace.” She gives me a curt nod, her walls so far up I can barely see her over the top of them.
I can’t blame her. Hell, if the roles were reversed, I’d probably have built a fortress between us.
My chest tightens.
“Thank you for coming.” I clear my throat again.
“You said it was important.” She fidgets with the strap of her purse on the table between us, her stare void of any real emotion.
God, I remember a time when talking to Oakley felt as easy as breathing. Now it feels damn near impossible.
“I did,” I confirm. “It is.”
“Well, I’m here,” she says after a too long beat of silence passes between us.
I look to Dr. Bennett for guidance, not really sure where the hell to begin.
“Jace has come really far in his recovery.” She shifts her focus to Oakley. “He’s going to meetings, writing in a journal, and doing all the necessary steps to work toward a life of sobriety. As I’m sure you’re aware, this is not the first time Jace has been with us. But he’s more determined than ever to make this stick, which is where you come in.”
“Okay.” Oakley’s gaze bounces between Dr. Bennett and myself.
“Jace has some things he’d like to discuss with you.” Dr. Bennett gestures toward me to take over. “I’m going to give you two a couple of minutes to talk privately.” With that, she stands to leave and I feel like the safety net has been ripped out from underneath me.
I swear I can hear the tick of seconds as they click by, even though there’s not a clock anywhere in sight. The air is heavy, pressing down on top of me like a thousand-pound weight.
“How… How are you?”
“I’m good.” She shrugs, seeming as unsure of herself as I feel.
“You look good.” I shake my head. “Happy, I mean.”
“I am happy. Really happy, actually.”
The statement is bittersweet. Of course I want her to be happy, but knowing that happiness comes without me is a hard pill to swallow.
I think a part of me had hoped she would be as miserable as I am. The selfish part of me anyway. Truth be told, all I’ve ever wanted was for Oakley to be happy. God knows she deserves it after everything I put her through. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though.
Another long bout of silence stretches between us.
Fuck, this is harder than I thought it would be.
“How long have you been here?” she asks, breaking the awkwardness.
“Seventy-six days.”
“So you’re getting out in a couple of weeks then?” She does the math in her head.
“Yep.” I pop my lips.
“And what’s your plan? For when you get released? Are you going into some kind of sober living program?”
“Actually, I think I’m going to go stay with my brother for a while.”
“Tommy?” She pauses. “Is that… Is that such a good idea?”
I’m not surprised by her reaction. Tommy has been battling some pretty big demons of his own for a very long time. But he’s finally got his life together. He’s doing well. He’s got a job and his own apartment. And truth be told, he’s probably one of the only people on this planet that has the power to keep me on the straight and narrow. Not to mention, he lives a good hundred miles from Parkview. And If I want any chance of staying clean this time, I need to break free and start somewhere new. Somewhere away from all the temptation and bad habits that I’ve fallen back into more times than I care to admit.
“I know he’s had his issues, but he’s done the program. He’s been clean for a year. And I think it will do me some good to reconnect with him. Now that we’re both sober, that is.”
I can tell she wants to say more, but for whatever reason she doesn’t. Honestly, I wish she would. It’s easier to talk about this than the reason I asked her here.
Knowing I need to bite the bullet and say what I need to say, I pull in a deep breath.
“There’s uh,” I stutter, glancing down at where my hands are folded in front of me on the table. “There’s obviously a reason I asked you here, some things I need to say. A lot I have to apologize for.”
“Okay.” She shifts in her seat, waiting for me to continue.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter the one thing I should have said a very long time ago. “I’m so fucking sorry, Oak. And I know that an apology doesn’t change what happened. That it doesn’t take back what I put you through. But I’m hoping it’s a start.” I take another deep breath and square my shoulders, forcing myself to look directly at Oakley. “I’m sorry for the lies. For the manipulations. For all the times you had to come out in the middle of the night looking for me. I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for disappointing you. And more than anything, I’m sorry for the accident. I never should have gotten behind the wheel that night. I wasn’t thinking. I knew I was high, yet I let you get in that car with me, all the while pretending I was in complete control. You trusted me and I betrayed that trust. And I nearly killed you.” I choke around the last two words.
“Jace.” I watch her features soften. Watch the sweet girl I’ve loved for most of my life start to resurface before my very eyes. And I want to hate her for it. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her pity or her forgiveness, yet here I am, asking for it anyway.
“I know I’m no longer a part of your life.” I push forward, knowing if I don’t get all of this out now I may never. “I don’t deserve to be. The truth is, you’re better off without me. You always were. And I know you think this apology is for me, and while yes, making amends is part of the program, I’m not apologizing to unburden myself. I’m apologizing because out of all the people I’ve hurt, you’re the person that deserves to hear this the most. You deserve to know that you did everything you could. Hell, you did more than you should have. And this,” I gesture around the room, “all of this. Where I am today. What I’ve done. This is all on me.”
“So that’s what this is about?” she asks after a long moment. “You think I carry some sort of misplaced guilt for the path you chose? And what? You’re trying to rid me of that guilt?” Anger seeps out in her words.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just know…you just…you were the person who was always there. The one constantly trying to save me. And I know you. Or well, I knew you. And the Oakley I knew felt responsible for me, even though I was never her responsibility.”
“I didn’t feel responsible for you, Jace. I loved you. Everything I did. Everything I endured; the ups the downs, it wasn’t just for you. It was for me too. For the future we always said we’d have together. I wanted that future. I fought for that future. Hell, I nearly died for that future.”
“I know. And I’ll never forgive myself for that. I’ll never forgive myself for how much I hurt you. How much I hurt myself by hurting you. But I have to find a way to make peace with it. Because I want this, Oak. I need this. I need this to stick this time. If I keep going like I have been, I’ll end up dead. Hell, I’m shocked it hasn’t happened before now. And as much as I hated the thought of you coming here, of you seeing me still in the same hell all these years later, I knew there was no possibility of success unless I could at least apologize. So thank you, for coming here, for agreeing to see me. You didn’t have to, and I know it couldn’t have been easy, but you did it. You did it for me.”