She grins that same toothy grin, then shovels a heaping bite of mac and cheese into her mouth, a couple noodles falling down the front of her shirt.
I shake my head, not able to suppress the smile that tugs at my lips.
“Did Keira tell you she won tickets to the Hanover Festival at work today?” Lance directs the conversation into safer territory.
“No, she didn’t.” I pause a moment before asking, “What’s the Hanover Festival?”
“You’ve never heard of the Hanover Festival?” He hits me with a look of disbelief. “It’s only the biggest music festival in the entire state of Mississippi.”
“I take it you’ve been before?”
“I’ve been every year since I was eighteen.”
“So then you’ve been ten times.”
“Has it been that many years?” He thinks about it. “Wow, I guess it has. Hard to believe. Time just goes way too fast.”
“Yes it does,” I agree, glancing back at Ellie who is wearing more cheese on her face than she probably has in her stomach. Seems like only yesterday she was this tiny, fragile thing. Now she’s a spunky, bossy, very talkative three-year-old who seems to get a bigger personality with each day that passes.
“Anyway, tickets are really hard to come by. They sold out the day after they went on sale this year. I’m not even sure how Frank got his hands on two just three weeks before the festival,” he says, referring to his boss.
“And Keira won them?” I turn my gaze back to him.
“She did.”
“That’s pretty cool.” I twirl some noodles around my fork before finally taking an actual bite.
“It’s more than cool. It means now you can go with me.”
“What do you mean?” I ask after swallowing, reaching for my tea.
“Chez got tickets months ago for me and him.”
“Right. But how do you know Keira’s giving me one of her tickets?” I question, pressing the straw between my lips before taking a drink.
“Because she said she was.”
“Where is this again?”
“It’s down in Westerville.”
“Westerville? That’s like three hours away.”
“Yeah.” He nods. “We get a hotel room. Though you’ll probably be hard pressed to find a room this late in the game. I guess worse case you two could always crash with us. Not sure how Kiera will feel about sharing a bed with Chez.”
“Why do you need a hotel room for a festival? Couldn’t you just drive back that night?”
“It’s a three-day event.”
“Three days?” I choke, setting my glass back down. “I can’t leave Ellie for three days. Where would she go?”
“I’m sure Gianna would keep her.”
“I can’t ask Gianna to do that. That’s too much, even for her.”
“So you’re saying you won’t even consider it?” He seems a little annoyed, though I’m not sure why. I made it very clear to him when we started seeing each other that Ellie would always come first.
It’s not like she has grandparents she can stay with. And if Keira is going too, that rules out every option I have.
I’m sure most twenty-three-year olds would jump at the chance to spend a weekend away at a music festival. But I’m not your average twenty-three-year-old. I don’t go out drinking or party with friends. Hell, my social life consists of my cousin, my boyfriend, and my daughter’s babysitter, if that tells you how lackluster I am.
“I’m saying that if Keira asks, I’ll probably tell her to take one of her friends. It’s not like she has a shortage in that department. And if it’s as big of a deal as you’re saying, I’m sure one of them will jump at the opportunity to go.”
“Oakley.” He drops his napkin in his lap before reaching across the table, his hand coming to a rest on top of mine seconds later. “You know it’s okay to go out and have fun every now and again.”
“I know that.” I try not to be offended by the statement. “But I also have responsibilities.”
“So do I. So does everyone. But you have to make time for yourself.”
I know he’s trying to be helpful, but for some reason it pisses me off.
I think it’s just today. Seeing Jace has me irritated and on edge.
“Well, Keira hasn’t invited me. If she does, I’ll consider it. How’s that?” I offer, in an attempt to appease him.
“That’s all I ask. I think you’d have a lot of fun.”
I don’t doubt that I would. But again, my cousin hasn’t asked me, so I feel like this is kind of a moot point at the moment.
“So, how was work?” I ask, eager to change the subject.
“It was work.” He shrugs, shoveling a bite of spaghetti into his mouth.
There’s a slight lull in conversation, and while I usually feel completely at ease with Lance, something about tonight has me anxious to get out of here and back home.
I’d agreed to dinner because I didn’t want seeing Jace to upset the normal balance of things. Only it has. Even if I didn’t want it to.
It’s hard to explain.
There’s so much history there. So much pain and heartache. But there’s a lot of love there too. A lot of amazing memories peppered amongst all the bad. Before Jace started using. Before things spiraled so far out of control that neither of us could find our way back.
I try to keep my mood up as we finish dinner and Lance pays the bill. I try to act like I’m fine and that everything is great, but in truth I’ve had a hard knot slowly growing in my stomach the entire time I’ve been sitting across the table from him.
He walks me and Ellie to my car, lingering long enough that I know he’s waiting for an invitation back. And while normally I’d be happy to spend more time with him, right now I want to go home and get some sleep. To try to cleanse myself of this day.
He waits until I have Ellie secured in her car seat before speaking, “So.”
“So.” I blow out a breath.
He rocks back on his heels, his hands shoved into the front pockets of his dark jeans.
“You feel up to some company tonight?” he asks outright.
“Actually, I’m pretty exhausted. I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I answer honestly. And it’s true, I didn’t. It’s hard flipping back and forth from nights to days. When I work, I sleep during the day. When I’m off work, I try to keep myself on Ellie’s schedule so that I go to bed and wake up when she does. Sometimes the transition is a bit daunting.
Of course, that’s not the full truth. While I may be tired, I’m also very distracted. And right now I feel like I need to be alone with my daughter.
“Okay.” He doesn’t try to hide his disappointment. “Tomorrow maybe?”
“Maybe. I promised Ellie we’d go to the park tomorrow and I have a few errands to run.”
“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll call you after work?”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” I force a smile, pushing up on my tiptoes to lay a soft kiss to his lips.
Chapter Five