“I want to,” Griff replied.
We walked into the bedroom and the door closed behind us. Griff placed me on the bed and then went to get my cotton leggings and flannel pajama top. “Are you going to dress me too?” I asked then yawned.
He grinned and handed me the clothing. “If I undress you, I won’t be interested in putting clothing back on you and you’re tired. Better let you dress yourself.”
I almost told him I wasn’t too tired for sex but I didn’t. Something about Creed being in the other room made me feel strange. Creed had been my first and my only other sexual partner. I didn’t want to think about why it made me feel wrong. I just wanted to forget Creed and go back to sleep.
October 26, 2019
Boston Massachusetts
I hadn’t expected to wake to an empty bed this morning. It was Saturday and Griff didn’t have any classes. After stretching and giving myself adequate time to get fully awake, I made the sprint from the bed to the chair to get the robe and fuzzy socks. Today would be a good day to buy him that area rug for this room. The floors were already freezing.
The living room was quiet but it wasn’t empty. Griff was sitting on the sofa with a large book in his lap, his glasses on, and a highlighter in his right hand. He was so engrossed in what he was doing, he didn’t look up when I opened the bedroom door. Chet was sitting in the chair also reading from a large medical book with a notebook and a pen beside him. They were studying. Griff had said he was already sick of all the memorizing and reading he had to do. This was supposed to be the hardest year of medical school and for his sake I hoped it was.
I didn’t speak for fear of interrupting something important. Instead I went to the kitchen to make coffee. While I was busy doing that, I heard another door open and I knew without looking who had joined us. Creed’s presence here made this uncomfortable. As much as I had missed Griff, I was looking forward to moving into Gran’s tomorrow. Staying here was difficult. Surely in time it would get easier.
“Must be fascinating shit they’re reading,” Creed’s deep voice said as he entered the kitchen.
I forced a smile and took my cup of coffee to move out of his way. I went to the table and sat down, wishing I could get closer to the fire but afraid to disturb them. I didn’t watch Creed but I was aware of his every move. That needed to stop. My body was reacting as if I was seventeen again.
Ignoring it and him wasn’t going to change things. I had to rewire my brain where he was concerned. I turned to look at him then and he was standing in front of the refrigerator with it open. I already knew there wasn’t much food in there. Griff and Chet ordered out often. There was a list of their favorites with menus and phone numbers in the first drawer to the left of the fridge.
“I don’t think they buy food. Just coffee supplies,” I whispered.
He glanced at me then back at them. “Appears so,” he replied, not whispering as he closed the door. “Guess I’ll go find food. Want to come?”
I hadn’t been expecting that question. It was polite. If I was rewiring my brain to stop remembering who Creed once was to me and seeing him only as Griff’s roommate then I should go. It seemed normal enough. No big deal that I’d had sex with Creed before or that I loved him once. Shouldn’t matter that it took me until Griff to get over the pain of losing him.
I shook my head. “No, that’s okay. I’d have to get dressed and I’m not awake enough for that or the freezing temps out there.”
He shrugged. “Fine but you’re going to need to toughen up. Portsmouth is fucking cold in the winter.”
Words felt lodged in my throat. Me remembering was one thing. My quietly acknowledging our past was easier than hearing him speak of Portsmouth. The place where all our history together existed. The sooner I left this apartment and moved north the better.
Creed seemed oblivious to my inner turmoil. He walked over to the coat rack and grabbed his coat then slipped on some boots.
“Can I get anyone something to eat or does everyone just require ketchup and cheese to survive?” Creed asked.
Griff glanced up then from his book. His gaze went to me. “Hey, babe, you’re awake.”
I smiled at him. He could completely zone out when he was studying.
“Where are you going?” Chet asked. “The Bagel Hut two blocks over has wicked avocado stuffed bagels.”
“Anyone else?” Creed asked.
“Sailor? You want something? There’s a menu for The Bagel Hut in the drawer,” Griff said. “I’d like BCT bagel,” he then told Creed.
Creed looked back at me. “I want some decent coffee. Can you go with me and help me carry all this shit?” He didn’t mind spending time with me. It was so easy for him. I didn’t affect him at all and that was good…but it hurt. I hated that it hurt. I didn’t need to affect him. He lived with my boyfriend who I loved. It was best that he was unaffected.
I couldn’t say no. I stood up. “Give me a sec to change and grab my coat,” I replied.
Creed nodded and I hurried to put on my jeans, sweater, coat, gloves and scarf. While doing so, I gave myself a pep talk. I could do this. No big deal. Getting used to being around Creed was required. Six years, Sailor. It’s been six years. You’re different now. Taking a deep breath, I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I could do this.
Griff looked up from his book again when I walked out of the bedroom. “My cash is in the top drawer in there,” he told me.
“I have my debit card in my pocket. I’ll get it,” I replied then walked over to him and bent down to kiss him. His hand touched my face gently.
“I promise this afternoon we will go do touristy things,” he said as I stood back up.
“Okay,” I said with a smile. Then made my way over to the door where Creed stood waiting. Watching me. His expression was one I couldn’t decipher.
“Are you warm enough?” he asked me then and an amused smile touched his lips.
“Hopefully,” I replied.
He opened the door then and motioned for me to go first. We walked in silence for a few minutes. It was starting to get awkward but maybe just for me.
“How long have you been with Griff?” he asked.
“We met second semester our freshman year at Vanderbilt,” I told him.
“How did you meet?” he asked me then.
Smiling at the memory, I replied, “I walked into the wrong dorm room on my way to a study group. Griff was on the phone lying on his bed. I had been so embarrassed but he’d ended his call and we had ended up going out for coffee. I never made it to my study group.”