“I’m being a bitch, aren’t I?” Lola said with a frown, lowering her champagne flute. “Ugh, Anders isn’t here to call me on it. I’m sorry. That was a thoughtless thing to say. She’s not any prettier than you and it’s not like Smith would even notice another woman.”
I swallowed the rest of my champagne in a single gulp. I was delivered from more awkward apologies by the return of the waiter. He drew a small notepad out of his canvas apron pocket, blowing a strand of brown hair from his eyes.
“What do you suggest?” Lola said, her eyes scrolling across the options on the blackboard.
“Most people opt for the fish and chips,” he informed us.
Something about the weary way he spoke sparked in me. “What’s the best thing on the menu? We’re celebrating.”
“The guinea fowl,” he said without hesitation.
“You sure?”
“I cooked it myself.” He gave a crooked grin. “I’m afraid I’m pulling triple duty most weekdays.”
“You’re the cook?” Lola looked delighted by this news.
“And the owner, which sounds a lot more glamorous than it is,” he admitted.
I couldn’t help being surprised. He couldn’t be much older than us. I guessed there was a story about how he’d wound up here with a restaurant, but I didn’t want to pry.
“What are you celebrating?” He dropped into Nora’s chair.
“What aren’t we celebrating?” Lola asked. “Let’s see her new baby and our business getting a column in the U.K.’s leading high fashion magazine...oh, and I guess, your new house.”
“And you came to Sussex for that?” he said with a laugh.
“Her new house is here,” Lola explained.
“Really? Welcome to town. Where did you move?”
“Thornham Park,” I said.
He flinched. I cocked my head, checking to see if Lola caught it, too. From the quizzical look, she was giving him, she had.
“Sorry,” he said quickly. “You spend enough time around these parts and you hear plenty about Thornham.”
“All good, I hope,” I said dryly. Considering we’d found skeletons during our remodel, I knew better than to expect that. I could only imagine what a small village like Briarshead whispered about a house as old as mine. Superstition and gossip. Still, I couldn’t shake the way he’d reacted when I’d told him I lived there. A pit formed in my stomach, my hunger vanishing.
“What kind of things?” Lola pressed, interested in the detached way of someone who didn’t have to return to sleep there. I wanted to tell them to drop it, but I found myself curious.
“The usual ghost stories.” He shrugged. “The place is hundreds of years old. It’s all nonsense.” He looked at me with a soft smile. “The champagne is on me.”
“Oh, I couldn’t—”
“Consider it a housewarming present…”
“Belle,” I told him, holding out a hand.
To my surprise, he didn’t shake it, he kissed it. I flushed as he smiled up at me. I couldn’t remember the last time a man had been so forward with me. Then again, I’d been hugely pregnant for months, and I usually had a protective alpha male at my side.
"Enchantée, Belle. I’m Tomas,” he told me.
Before I could be too embarrassed, he turned and took Lola’s hand. She giggled as she introduced herself. Before he could continue his seduction attempts, Nora appeared holding a shrieking baby. I stood so quickly, my chair clattered to the floor. Guilt washed over me. I’d nearly forgotten she was off with Nora. What kind of mother was I? Letting a strange French man kiss my hand while my baby was off with her nanny?
“What’s wrong?” I switched into anxious mum mode instantly.
“I’m so sorry.” Nora looked genuinely horrified as she bounced from foot to foot. “But there’s no nappies in the bag.”
“What? I packed them!” I swiped the bag from her, rifling through it anxiously, each second growing more aware of Lola and Tomas’s eyes on me as Penny screamed.
There were none. I’d made a list. I’d laid awake planning, worried I would screw something up—and I had. How had I forgotten something as basic as nappies?
“There’s a shop on the corner,” Tomas said kindly.
“I’ll go grab them,” Nora said. She moved to pass Penny to me and I took her, rocking swiftly in a desperate attempt to calm her. But my daughter only seemed more upset to be with me. Her howling cries splintered the last remnants of my self-control and I dissolved into tears as Nora disappeared to find diapers.
“Sorry,” I croaked, shushing Penny to no effect.
“Forget the guinea fowl,” Tomas said. “I’ll be right back.”
As soon as he was gone, I turned and for one moment, Lola looked so much like her sister that I blurted out a confession, “She doesn’t like me.”
“Oh, Belle.” Lola stood, moving closer to me and stroking my arm. “That’s not true. She’s just uncomfortable.”
“Because of me,” I sobbed. “I can’t even pack a changing bag properly.”
“Let me,” Lola said, gently taking Penny from her arms. She was bright red from screaming, and being passed off only resulted in her skin deepening to purple as she howled louder. “See? She hates me, too!”
I forced myself to smile, even though the joke did nothing to soothe me. I couldn’t believe that I’d let my business partner see me this unglued. As far as I knew, Lola had no interest in kids. I’d rarely even seen her around her niece and nephew. Now, thanks to me, she was cajoling a pissed off newborn instead of sipping champagne.
“Here. This will help,” Tomas announced, placing a plate with a large, four-tiered slice of chocolate cake on the table. He waved me to the chair, passing me a cloth napkin. “Sit. Chocolate fixes everything.”
I dropped into the chair, dabbing my eyes with the napkin. With both their eyes on me, I picked up a fork and took a small bite before managing a brittle smile. I was supposed to be the caregiver here. I was the mum, but everyone was busy taking care of me while my baby cried.
Because I couldn’t calm her down.
Because I wasn’t meant to be a mother.
That was why I’d had the miscarriage. That’s why it had taken me a year to get pregnant again. It was why Smith hovered so much in the background when I had Penny. He could sense it. I’d felt his feelings toward me change since I gave birth. He could see right through me to the hollow, rotten core that was never meant to care for a child.
“Got them,” Nora called brightly, coming back into the restaurant. Two more diners entered behind her, looking startled at the scene they’d stumbled upon.
I stood and grabbed Penny, holding out my hand for the shop bag. “I’ve got it.”
“Do you want help?” Nora asked as she passed it to me.
“No, can you take my card out and pay? I don’t want to disturb everyone else’s lunch.” I managed to say this evenly even as my heart beat so fast I thought I was going to crack open.
Carrying Penny to the bathroom, I discovered that Nora had been right earlier. There was nowhere to change the baby but the floor. Sinking down gracelessly, and realizing that my days of leather pants were long over, I spread the changing pad on the floor, and began changing her. Her nappy was so full that I started to cry again with her. I’d done this to her. As soon as I’d cleaned her up, she calmed down, yawning widely, exhausted from what I’d put her through. Snapping up her romper, I cradled her close to my shoulder as I repacked the bag, shoving the nappies inside it along with the dirty one.