I couldn’t wait any longer.
My feet carried me in the direction she left. Somehow, I knew I wouldn’t find her in the nursery. It broke my heart to see her struggle with Penny. I needed to remind her that she was enough. More than that she was everything. When I walked into the bedroom, she didn’t look up from where she sat at the edge of the bed.
I sat next to her, running my hands down her arms as I leaned to kiss her shoulder. Belle turned in to me, without a word. I cupped her chin with my palm and brought her lips to mine. We needed to find our way back to each other. She had to feel the same.
Hooking my arm around her, I guided her onto her back.
“I want you,” I told her, moving to stand between her legs. I drew off her pants and her eyes shuddered to a close.
Her legs butterflied open as I yanked my dick out. We didn’t have all the answers, but we had this. We had each other. I thrust inside her, earning a soft grunt. It had been too long since I felt my wife. Belle grabbed the edge of the bed as I urged her legs up to coil around my waist.
But I needed more. I needed to feel her, kiss her. I needed my skin on her skin. My lips on her lips.
I withdrew and her legs closed ever so briefly as I pushed her up on the bed. They opened again as I climbed over her and joined her again. I rocked slowly inside her, wanting to reawaken this part of our love gently. We’d begun our relationship violently, taking with a hunger that had turned to obsession. Now we had the rest of our lives to enjoy one another. I wanted to savor that.
“You feel amazing,” I murmured, lowering my mouth to kiss her.
She accepted my lips, but she didn’t respond. I pulled back, holding my body over her with one arm and bringing my finger to trace her face.
“Is this okay? We can go slower.”
Belle arched up and kissed me again, but there was nothing passionate about it. It was mechanical and forced and I found myself slowing down as I tried to understand. Maybe gently wasn’t the way to bring us back together. I increased my pace, hammering against her and calling her to me.
“Come for me,” I urged. “Show me.”
Her eyes opened and the flash of blue released me, but as I emptied inside her, it wasn’t Belle staring back at me. But where she should be, there was nothing but a hollow void.
I rolled off her, reaching to hold her but she turned away and made herself small, tugging her knees to her chest. I felt sick. My fingers brushed her shoulder.
“I love you.”
There was no response.
I stayed like that until I was certain she was asleep. It was all I could. I wasn’t even sure she wanted me there, at all.
I went back to my office, defeated, knowing exactly what I had to do. I dialed Edward’s number, uncertain he would answer. He’d gone to even greater lengths than me to separate himself from the Royals. He answered on the third ring.
“She needs you,” I said.
“What’s wrong?”
“She’s lost, and I can’t find her.” I sank into the chair, burying my face in my hand. “I’m scared there won’t be anything left of her to find soon.”
There was a pause. He had a decision to make. But we both knew there was no real choice. “I’ll be there as soon as I can get a flight.”
I hung up with him, hoping that whenever that was, it wouldn’t be too late.
21
Smith
We had barely spoken over the past three days. At night, Belle turned away from me in bed. Thornham also had a fatal flaw that I hadn’t foreseen until then. It was easy to hide on the estate’s sprawling grounds. It seemed I was constantly just missing Belle. I’d grown tired of Nora’s sympathetic smiles when she told me that Belle had gone out for a walk or Mrs. Winters pursed lips as she shook her head every time I asked if she’d seen my wife.
“Lost her again?” she said with disapproval, shaking her head and turning back to the shepherd’s pie she was making for dinner.
My frustration had shifted into uneasy guilt. For the first time, I found myself questioning my intimate relationship with my wife. When I looked back on the other night, I no longer saw it as me trying to reach her, but as a man being too arrogant to realize he wasn’t wanted. Was that why she had been so distant? Was that why looking into her eyes had felt like staring into the bottomless depths of the ocean?
I missed my wife. I loved my wife. I just didn’t know how to find her.
“We’re going to have a guest at dinner,” I told Mrs. Winters. She huffed, beginning to complain under her breath about not getting any warning as she continued preparing the evening meal. I left her there, still muttering. I felt somehow that without complaining, she wouldn’t know what to do with her time. Every night she made enough food for an army. Belle hardly ate anything these days, picking at her plate like a bird. We always had leftovers. The most trouble she would have to go to was to add a seat at the newly arrived dining table.
I gave up trying to find Belle. My wife could hide from me. I would let her if that’s what she needed to do to process this. Something told me that she’d be coming to me sooner rather than later, though.
That afternoon after consulting with Rowan about the project in the back, I decided to grab a quick shower before driving into town to pick up Penny’s Christmas present. I stepped into the shower, turning on the water to rinse off the dirt from outdoors. One thing I hadn’t counted on when we moved to the country was how much goddamn labor it would take to get the place up to scratch. I leaned forward planting my palms against the tiled wall and let the hot water run down my sore neck and shoulders. I’d kept in shape in London, lifting weights and running, but exercise meant to offset the city lifestyle hadn’t prepared me for the rigors of manual labor. Honestly, it felt good. Building something with my hands, making this home for my family? It was one of the most fulfilling things I’d ever done, even if it hurt like a bitch.
As good as it felt, I didn’t have much time if I was going to make it into the village before dark. The days had grown shorter as Christmas drew nearer. Each morning, I woke expecting to find snow, but nothing had fallen yet. Instead, by the time four in the afternoon rolled around, the sky began to darken. In the country, the darkness was so heavy it felt like you could slice through it with a knife.
I shampooed my hair quickly and rinsed. As I turned off the water, I heard footsteps on the tile.
Despite everything, marriage had turned me into an optimist because I couldn’t keep myself from calling out to Belle as I rubbed my face dry with a towel, “You’re too late, beautiful. But I could be convinced to turn the shower back on if you want to join me.”
The answer gasp and the voice that followed wasn’t Belle’s.
“Shit! I’m sorry!” Nora said.
I dropped the towel from my face, wrapping it around my waist in one motion, as I looked over to discover the nanny, standing frozen to the spot. She was gawking at me. Another time and in another life, I might have appreciated her obvious interest, but every part of me belonged to Belle now.
“What are you doing in here?” I roared, a primal rage taking over me.
That was enough to snap her out of her daze. She looked away quickly, beginning to back-up. “Belle was looking for… Sorry!”