I chose a mocha colored maxi dress that was tight and gently hugged my belly. I slung a braided belt just underneath the swell of my stomach and wrapped a scarf around my neck. I put on some boots and a denim jacket to ward off the chill, it was autumn at home now, it was still warm, but the air had a bite. I inspected myself in the mirror.
My hair had grown a bit longer and thanks to the same hormones I mostly cursed, it was full and shiny. That was the only thing I had of the so-called pregnancy glow. Due to constant morning sickness, which had barely let up, my face looked sallow. The makeup which usually covered the dark circles under my eyes was absent, so my lack of sleep was obvious. The worst thing was my eyes. They were empty. I tried as hard as I could to plaster on a fake smile, to seem like I was healing, hell, sometimes happy. But I couldn’t hide the dead that was staring back at me, the life that was gone from my eyes. It took all of my effort just to get out of bed every morning, to act like every breath I took wasn’t agony.
I could try and tell myself it was all from losing…him. But I would be lying. The person that held some of my light, the person that maybe had a shot of putting it back in my eyes, was on the other side of the world. I hadn’t spoken to him since that day outside the hospital. Not for his lack of trying, he called daily. Multiple times, never mind the time difference.
I wondered if he ever slept. I didn’t answer the phone anymore. I was a coward and let Amy or my parents do it. I couldn’t hear his voice. I knew he was upset. Upset was maybe too light of a word. I had heard him screaming through the phone at Amy one day, demanding to speak to me.
“You calm down right now, biker boy, or I’m disconnecting this number and making sure no one will speak to your cheating ass. The only reason we don’t all hang up on you is because Lacey has us all convinced you have a right to know about your kid. But you keep talking to me like that and I’ll face Lacey’s wrath and never let you speak to anyone here again. Comprende?”
I let that conversation bounce off me, not letting it sink in. Like I did with most things that threatened my mental shield. The only reason why he wasn’t here right now was because of something to do with his record and New Zealand’s policy with people with convictions. Someone kept delaying the legal proceedings that he needed to go through to get into the country, which I was grateful for. Or told myself I was grateful for. I couldn’t admit to myself that I was yearning for him, craving him like a drug.
He must’ve felt the same because after a phone call with him, my dad had hung up and said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if that boy sprouted wings and flew himself down here.” I pretended not to hear the grudging respect that crept into his tone.
So here I was, the Queen of Denial, my hold on the title was shaky, but I refused to let it go. I heard a soft knock on my door before it opened slightly.
“Can I come in, Mouse?” Dad asked.
“Yeah, Dad,” I replied, sighing and walking out of my closet.
He stood in the middle of my room, staring at one of the pictures I was forbidden to look at. The look in his eyes couldn’t be described as merely sad. More like anguished, ruined, destroyed. It quickly flickered away and his strong Dad mask settled back in, he looked me up and down, smiling.
“Didn’t think you’d ever get prettier, darling, but with my grandbaby inside you, you are magnificent.”
My eyes prickled. “Thanks, Daddy.”
“Now I know you won’t talk to me about before—”
“Please, Dad,” I begged, not wanting someone else trying to force me to talk. Dad had let me be so far.
“No, I won’t say anything, you’ll talk when you’re ready, sweet girl. But sit with me a sec.” He sat himself down on my sleigh bed, patting the flowered duvet beside him. I paused for a moment before I sat down next to him.
“You know how happy I am to become a grandpa,” he started carefully and I tensed.
“Don’t get defensive yet, Gwen. I can’t wait to meet that little baby. I know that he or she is going to have so much love surrounding it, it’s going to be a lucky kid.” He paused and I waited for it. “But that kid also needs its father. Nothing can replace a father’s love, I’m telling you that from experience.” His eyes twinkled. “I know there are some problems with you and this Cade fella. I ain’t going to try and give an opinion on your private relationship, that’s between the two of you. Problem is, it’s not just the two of you anymore.”
He gazed pointedly at my stomach before continuing.
“Now, when that boy isn’t yelling down the phone, I get the impression he cares a great deal about you and that baby. Hell, I think you are what tethers him to this earth. I say this ‘cause I know how that feels. ‘Cause I feel that bout your mother, you,” his voice cracked, “and your brother. I can’t say I’m too happy about the fact that the reason he’s not here is due to problems with the law. I can’t judge the man based purely off that, though. I know little about the man, but what I do know is he loves my baby girl and is desperate to see you, hear your voice. I also know that your brother approved of him. The last time I spoke to him, I was not feelin’ the love towards your new man, was so worried I thought about hopping on a plane. Your brother stopped me, I trusted his judgment.” He cleared his throat, “So maybe consider picking up the phone, I know you might need to talk to him just about as much as he needs you.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but I knew my argument was weak, so I closed it again.
“I support you in anything you do, honey. I’ve said my piece. What I want more than anything is my baby girl happy. Which I know you ain’t now,” he finished softly.
“I don’t know if I can ever be happy again, Daddy,” I declared my biggest fear brokenly.
Dad stroked my face then put his hand on my belly. “Oh my little mouse, I know you can. You just gotta let yourself.” He kissed my head then left me sitting there, his words hanging in the air.
I lay in bed later that night, full as I could be with food my mum had cooked. Full with the love for the company I shared my table with tonight, full with my child. But somehow, I still had a gaping hole, right there in my soul. I was afraid it might never be mended, I might always be broken, empty. Only half enjoying company, only half tasting the food that I ate, feeling guilty every time I smiled.
There was no guarantee that Cade could repair my hole, fill me back up, but I knew he would die trying. I looked at my phone display, the name staring back at me. Two months was a long time to think, the more I thought about that awful day the more things didn’t add up. When I had walked into Cade’s room, he hadn’t seem panicked, glancing at the bathroom door like any half intelligent man would. He had been happy, ecstatic when he learned of the baby, I remembered the unhidden joy on his face. It was not the face of a man who knew he had a whore in the bathroom, no matter the words that had been said the night before, I knew he wouldn’t cheat.
Maybe I was kidding myself, the scene had been damning, maybe I was grasping at emotional straws. But maybe I was right. Maybe Dad was right. I already loved my baby with as much of my broken heart as I could. Who was I to deny it the love of its father? I took a deep breath, and put my thumb to the name on the screen.