One thing was for sure. I needed to be done with this job once and for all. And, more than anything, I needed to find something to do that would keep me busy and happy. I wasn’t one to sit around on my ass, and there was no way I was going to take up golfing and day drinking at the local country club to spend the rest of my days schmoozing with the one percenters in Red Canyon.
6
Sanders
The Saturday before Thanksgiving was extremely slow. The tourists were officially gone, so Leo and I spent the afternoon in the coffee shop doing my favorite thing in the world: dreaming up holiday drinks.
Leo stirred the contents of a coffee cup and handed it to me with a dramatic flourish. “I’ve been working on this one for weeks. It’s Christmas in a cup.”
I eyed him skeptically. “That’s what you said about your eggnog concoction that didn’t taste like eggnog at all, but one of those protein diet shakes.”
“That’s because it had whey protein in it. It was like a healthy Christmas latte.”
I made a disgusted face because that was a truly horrible idea.
“Sam liked it,” Leo reminded me.
“I’m sure he did. Half of Sam’s diet is protein shakes.”
“That’s true, but I’m not complaining. Have you seen his six pack lately?” Leo sighed dreamily.
“Yes, I have. He shows everyone.” It was very annoying.
“Oh, c’mon. Tell me you didn’t want to lick it.”
I made another disgusted face. Sometimes Sam and Leo were so head over heels for each other they didn’t remember boundaries. Like how gross it was to ask your best friend if he wanted to lick your boyfriend’s stomach.
I took a sip of his ‘Christmas in a cup’ drink. “Not bad.”
He grinned. “See?”
“What’s in it?”
“Sugar, mostly. I call it ‘The Christmas Sugar Cookie Latte.’”
I took another sip. “It is really sweet. How does it taste with Splenda?”
“Honestly, not great. But we could warn the regulars that the sugar-free option isn’t as good. I have a gingerbread idea too, and that’s better with Splenda.”
Leo spun around and started working his magic with the espresso machine and the syrups behind the counter. “I still think if we had a healthier latte option with some protein in it, people would buy it. There are a lot of people who weightlift in this town. Like Briggs. He has some serious biceps. There’s no way he doesn’t lift.”
I shrugged. “I hadn’t noticed.”
Leo raised both of his eyebrows in disbelief. “You didn’t notice, huh? You’re just flirting with him every chance you get because of his personality?”
Maybe I had noticed Briggs’s muscles, but I wasn’t going to admit that to Leo.
“He’s not even gay.”
Leo stirred a new drink that smelled of cinnamon and nutmeg and gave it to me. “When he comes in here, he stares at your lips the whole fucking time. Of course he’s queer.”
“He does not. Does he? Is there something wrong with my lips?”
He laughed. “No. You have great lips, Sanders. Why do you always think something is wrong with you? Briggs wants to kiss you. It’s obvious.”
Did he? The idea of it gave me a secret thrill.
“I’m sure that’s not true,” I insisted, then drank a bit of the second drink. It was a lot more subtle than the first with a nice mix of fall spices and ginger. “This one is good. I like it. Gingerbread cookie, right? We could have a collection of Christmas cookie lattes.”
Leo’s eyes lit up. “That’s brilliant. Not your self-doubt, the drink idea. You know, I’ve gotten several messages on that kink app from guys who want to meet you.”
A knot twisted in my stomach. “You mean the app you promised me you would delete?”
“Promise is such a strong word. I just agreed with you when you told me why you didn’t want to feel rejected again. I didn’t necessarily say I’d delete the app.”
I set down both of the coffee cups. “This isn’t funny, Leo. Delete it.”
“Look, I’m sorry. Maybe I overstepped. But aren’t you the tiniest bit curious about who’s messaged you? There’s one guy in particular who I think would be a great fit for you.”
A group of big men wearing tight biking shorts and shirts filed into the shop before I could answer. They were about our age, and I noticed Leo appreciating them from a safe distance. He’d always had a thing for jocks.
The first guy walked up to the cash register. “I’ll take an iced coffee.”
“Yeah, sure. Cream or sugar?”
“Both. I deserve it. I just biked twenty miles.”
I wasn’t sure what the guy wanted me to say to that. “Um, congrats?”
Leo elbowed me and started pouring coffee into a plastic cup half-full of ice.
As I took each of their orders, I noticed the rainbows around the left legs of their uniforms. When they sat down at a table in the corner, two of the men leaned into one another and locked eyes for a few long beats.
My heart ached a little bit watching them. Would I ever have that? There were a lot of things about Leo and Sam’s relationship I didn’t want, but the way those two men looked at each other was beautiful.
“Are any of those guys on the app nice? I mean, do they seem like they would be patient?” I asked Leo.
To his credit, he didn’t tease me. He just handed over his phone.
I was surprised to discover six responses to my Santa letter. Some of the guys lived pretty far away, but maybe a long-distance relationship wouldn’t be so bad. I didn’t have a lot of spare time anyway. The app only allowed them to respond to my letter with the question: “Have you been naughty or nice?” Which was kind of awkward. If I told them I had been naughty, would they want to punish me already? That seemed a little fast. But if I told them I’d been nice, would I seem boring?
I opened the first guy’s profile. He was from Southern California, which was a ten-hour drive. And he didn’t have a beard. But that was okay. He included a face shot in his profile, and he was fairly attractive. If you were into younger guys. “Daddy Dom looking for a sweet boy to play with.”
He wasn’t exactly perfect, but that was fine. Beggars couldn’t be choosers. I scrolled down to his list of kinks. Breath play, suspenders…
Wait… suspenders? I read it again. Breath play, suspension…
That made a lot more sense. Sometimes letters got mixed up when I read.
Regardless of whether it was suspenders or suspension, this guy wasn’t a good fit for me. The idea of someone strangling me, even for fun, was terrifying. I swiped back to the list of messages and clicked on the next guy. He lived in Washington, which was even farther away, and he already had a boy. They were looking for someone to play with them. That was all fine and good, but if I ever got to have a Daddy, I wouldn’t want to share him with anyone else.
There was a Daddy who was into feet, which wasn’t my thing. And a guy who wasn’t even a Daddy but had messaged me anyway. His account didn’t have a verified identity or recommendation from his local club, so I didn’t feel comfortable messaging him back.