“And you make them use a loft ladder?”
“Of course not. They just float up there. The loft ladder is for you, if you want to access that space, which you won’t need to unless you wish to talk to the angelic realm for some reason. If you do, that’s the room, up there. There’s a phone. You press the gold button if you need them.”
“So I’m guessing that if I go in the basement there’s a phone there too, for in case I wish to consult a demon?”
“No, they’re demons. They make you communicate via text message on a very old mobile phone. It’s painful.”
“Suddenly, I’m starting to feel mentally drained again. Take me to this spirit so I can do this and go to bed,” Mya rolled her eyes.
“You asked,” I told her, “it’s not my fault you don’t like my answers. Anyway, the first thing you need to do is look in The Book of the Dead. Ask it to tell you about Nancy Deaton.
Mya read about the woman who was stuck here due to stabbing her husband.
“Okay. Let’s do this.”
We walked out of my room and a couple of doors down.
“Does it matter which room I choose?” Mya asked.
“No. The first thing you need to do is write on the chalkboard on the door.” I added the name Nancy Deaton to it. “Then clear it when she’s left the room. It’ll be good to get her in a room. At the moment she’s just walking around everywhere making pitiful moaning sounds according to Spence.”
“So I’m doing this and you’re assessing me. Is that what’s happening?”
“Yes, just to see how you get on.”
“Okay. How do I call her?”
“There’s an intercom in the room. While ever she’s in this room under your direction she’ll be as solid to the touch as you or I.”
“Got it.”
Mya pushed open the door to the room with its basic furnishings.
“You can create enchantments for the spirits. For example, you could recreate her death here if you wanted. It is all real to the spirits but not to us.”
“So I can’t just imagine a whole new ground floor, you mean?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Shame. Okay.” She went and sat at the desk and pressed a button. An orange light came on and Mya spoke near the microphone. “Nancy Deaton to Room…” She looked at me.
“Two,” I whispered.
“Two. Nancy Deaton to Room two.”
Nancy appeared in the chair. Her eyes were wide and startled. Her short brown hair stuck up, and as she scrubbed a hand through it again, I could see why.
“Where am I? Where am I? Get me out of here. Help me. Help me. Help me.” This went on for a few minutes and I watched Mya watching Nancy.
She placed her head directly in front of Nancy’s and held her hand. “I am here to help, Nancy. Look at me.” She repeated it until eventually after another five minutes Nancy looked back at her, seemingly a little calmer.
“Please help me.”
“It’s why I’m here. Now I know you’re in a state of shock, but I can’t help you unless you can talk to me. So, is there anything that would help? Like a glass of red wine, for instance?”
“Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food is my go-to; was my go-to,” Nancy said.
Mya turned to me for guidance.
“Just ask the room.”
“One carton of in date Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food and a spoon please.”
The items appeared on the desk.
“And just double checking, but if I ordered this for myself, it wouldn’t work?” Mya’s gaze looked hopeful and she had her fingers crossed behind her back.
“Nope. You need to order yours from the minimart.”
“Pfft.” She handed the items to Nancy. “We can talk while you eat. Here you go.”
Nancy took the carton from Mya and pushed her spoon in, taking a bite as if she didn’t quite trust it was there, but then she relaxed a little.
“Okay, so talking about things might feel uncomfortable and if so, please ask me to stop, but ultimately remember I’m here to get you out of here.”
“Thank you,” Nancy mumbled over ice cream.
“So tell me what happened that evening when you died.”
Nancy did so, pausing occasionally to eat more ice cream. “Glyn had gone to the pub and I was getting settled to watch Iron Man 2. My mum called and kept me on the phone for an hour and so I knew I wouldn’t get time to watch it all, but I figured I could make a start. So I put it in the DVD player and pressed play and then Glyn came home early. He said he thought I was inviting men back while he was out. He was getting angry and when he’d had a drink he was an abusive drunk. My husband started to hit me, and well, I’d got my knitting needles on the sofa and so I stabbed him in the arm.”
“And that killed him?”
“No, while he was swearing about the pain in his arm, I went and got a carving knife from the kitchen. All the times he’d hit me and I get one puncture wound in his arm and he’s yelling like a little bitch. So I stabbed him straight in the throat to shut him up.”
Mya’s mouth had formed an ‘O’ shape. She looked at me and I indicated she should carry on.
“And then what?”
“Then he knocked into me as he was trying to get me to help him, though it was too late. Blood was everywhere and he was making the weirdest gurgling noise, though it was so much more satisfying than anything else that had come out of his mouth. And the twat made me fall into the television set and bang my head. Next thing I know, I’m here. Dead, but not in Heaven or Hell. Where am I and what’s going to happen to me?”
“You’re in the Home of Wayward Souls because we have to decide whether you need to go to Heaven or Hell.”
Nancy’s eyes went wide. “I need to go to Heaven. Please don’t send me to Hell.”
“Nancy, please keep calm. We just need a plan of action. Firstly, are you repentant about the fact you stabbed your husband to death?”
“I am. I am so sorry I did it.”
“That’s a good start.”
“Because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be dead myself and I’d have been able to watch Iron Man 2 another night.”
Mya looked heavenward.
“They can’t help you,” I whispered, and she narrowed her eyes at me.
“What I’m going to do now,” Mya said, “is put you on a screening of Iron Man 2 in this room and then you and me are going to talk some more when the film has finished, okay?”
“Really? I can watch the film? Oh, thank you.”
“What do I do while she watches it?” Mya asked. “Because I won’t see it, will I?”
“You can join in with her experience. You just can’t independently experience anything here.”
“So I can watch the movie, but not eat her ice-cream?”
“You got it.”
“Are you new?” Nancy asked, “because I want him if you are.”
“I can always just send you straight to Hell,” Mya said, shutting the woman up at once. “Listen, lady, I am the Queen here. I’ve given you ice cream and I’m letting you watch Iron Man. Don’t push your luck. Do you understand?”