I reminded her of Dad and all his failings, and their failed marriage.
I groaned, put the lid back on the pot, and opened the fridge. Nothing. Some skim milk, jalapeño cheese, and peach yogurt.
"If you got up earlier, maybe you would have gotten some." Mom's spoon scraped the bottom of her bowl.
Right. It didn't matter when I got up. Meals were always made for two. Sometimes Andrea got some. Alexis rarely ate unless it was chocolate or Pepsi. She smoked and I didn't know how she could afford the 85 cents per pack. I didn't want to know. I'd smelled bacon cooking many Sunday mornings and jumped out of bed hoping to get some. It was my favorite. But there was always only enough for two.
I shut the fridge and grabbed my coat. "Where's Andrea and Alexis?"
"They haven't come home from school yet. Where are you going now?" Mom looked at me through narrowed eyelids.
"To get something to eat."
Mom stood and went to the door. "You are not going out again." She held her arms across the door and glared at me.
"Mom, I need to get something to eat."
"We have food here."
I shook my head and went to the front door. I should have grabbed something at Fly Buyz when I got paid last week.
"Phillip, don't let her out the front door."
Phillip went to the door and stretched out his arms in front of it, his face expressionless.
"C'mon, Phillip." I tried to duck under his arms.
He shook his head but didn’t say a word. He had to do what Mom requested of him if he wanted peace.
My blood boiled. I'd had enough for two days. I didn't want to argue. I grabbed some saltines from the kitchen table and a glass of water and headed back to my room.
"Where are you going? Get back down here." Mom's voice rasped from the bottom of the stairs.
"Why?"
"You can help out around here. Like do the dishes." She pointed to the sink.
"Okay." I shrugged, set the crackers and glass on the steps, and went to the sink. Filling the sink with water, I rolled up my sleeves. I fought the tears threatening to spill out onto my cheeks. I wanted to be left alone. My stomach twisted into itself. It rebelled because I hadn’t fed it for who knew how long.
The kitchen door flung open and the wind blew in Alexis and Andrea. Andrea gave me a hug around the neck. She whispered so only I could hear. "Feel any better?"
I shrugged. "I will be better when I can eat."
"I have some corn chips and a soda from the school store. I'll leave it in the usual hiding place."
"Thank you." She often brought home treats from the school store where she volunteered. She'd buy expired chips and snacks half off with her lunch money and share with me.
Alexis grabbed the peach yogurt from the fridge and went upstairs. I followed soon after when I'd finished the dishes, dried them, and put them away.
I locked my bedroom door and retrieved the corn chips and soda from my clogs in the back of my closet. Alexis was prone to scout and pillage my room. Nothing was off limits to her. She'd never bothered with my clogs yet. My feet were two sizes bigger than hers, so my shoes were safe. I was grateful because the chips tasted heavenly, and the soda chaser was the perfect pairing. I kept my best tops, clogs, and Candies hidden in the back of my closet under a ripped sheet. Only Andrea knew about them. My clothes didn't fit her anyway.
A note slid under my door. I got off the bed to retrieve it. Upon opening it, I smiled. A red heart, colored in with red crayon, had been drawn in the middle of the lined notebook paper. Under it, in Andrea's hand writing, were the words God loves you and so do I.
Her kind words took me to Sob Town once again. I cried myself to sleep and didn't wake until morning.
The day I tried to find Henry.
7
The Lie
I called directory assistance and got the number to Cornell University admissions. Henry had mentioned he would be living on campus and I'd hoped to get an address or a phone number to his dorm. It was early January 1983. Information wasn't available at our fingertips. People weren't so concerned with privacy either.
I wasn't so fortunate.
"What was your name again?" The raspy voiced woman at the other end asked. I heard her exhale in a rapid swoosh before she let out a phlegmy-sounding cough. I waited for her to catch her breath before I responded to her question.
"Emelia Berggren. I'm looking for a phone number for Henry Fitch. He started school in the fall. I believe he moved in at the beginning of summer."
"Young lady, I can't give out that information." She exhaled a big breath, and the nasty cough again.
"Can you connect me to his room?"
She was quiet and I heard her rustling through papers.
"Or an address. I can write him a letter. It doesn't matter, I'll drive out there if I have to and see him in person."
"I wouldn't waste your time, sweetie."
Was that a little bit of compassion? "He's my best friend. It wouldn't be a waste of time."
"If he's your best friend, shouldn't you have his contact information already? Wouldn't he have given it to you?" Her voice oozed with accusation.
I wiped the sweat from my brow. "It's complicated. We went our own ways after graduation. I want to connect with him again."
"I guess it doesn't matter if I tell you this." She let out a long breath and coughed again. "He doesn't attend Cornell."
"What do you mean he doesn't go to Cornell?" My heart pounded against my ribs.
"He isn't registered for any classes. He's not a student. Sorry. You must have the wrong information."
"No. I'm sure of it. We talked about it for two years. Him going to Cornell. My step-dad gave him a letter of reference."
"What's your step-dad's name?"
"Phillip. Phillip Armstrong."
Again rustling papers. "Let me check something. I'm going to put you on hold."
"Okay." But she was already gone. I drummed the pencil by the phone against the kitchen counter, keeping beat with the 50s Doo Wop music on hold. From my seat on the stool next to the wall phone, I checked the clock over the stove to see if anyone was expected home soon. It was a little after ten. The girls were in school and Mom was working. I didn't know what errand Mom had sent Phillip on, but he could be back at any minute.
While I waited on hold, I noticed a book on the counter in front of me. It was open and parts of it were highlighted. I lifted the cover to read the title, Psychology for Supervisors. It must have been one of Phillip's college textbooks. He'd been an engineer before he retired. He'd also been the supervisor for his department, which made sense as to why he had the book. But why was he reading it now that he was retired? Maybe he was going to go back to work. I read what he had highlighted under Detrimental Personality Disorders in the Work Environment.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissism is a chronic disorder that affects the person for several years or for life. It is incurable. The main reason - the person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn't assume any responsibility for their actions. The disorder is most common in men. The cause is not known.