Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include:
An exaggerated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, money, intelligence, good looks, or perfect love. They believe they are special and only other special people appreciate their greatness. They are irresponsible with money. They have a disproportionate need for admiration. They have a false sense of entitlement. They lie and distort the facts. They are emotionally distant. They are very controlling. They exploit others for their own gain without any guilt....
That sounded a little like Jasper, didn't it? He talked about being successful all the time, and having lots of money someday. He prided himself on being well-groomed, well-dressed, and made sure to get a haircut every four weeks like clockwork. I laughed at my own thoughts. Jasper worked hard and earned his promotions. He had to look nice for his job. He didn't have this narcissistic disorder thing. Although, he had worked hard to get Vance out of the manager position in their office and had stepped into Vance's position seamlessly. That hadn't lasted long before he'd moved into Dawson's position as the district sales manager over the tri-state area. What had he told me? Something about Dawson not responding to his phone calls and giving his accounts to the other sales reps. He called his corporate manager almost nightly to fill him in on Dawson's failings. Emelia, there you go overthinking again, I could almost hear Jasper saying. Yet, I couldn't ignore the fact he had moved into his new management position in Erie rather soon. I read a little further down the highlighted section.
Signs you may be dealing with a narcissist:
They gaslight you. The signs of this include: no longer feeling like the person you once were, feeling anxious and having low self-esteem, you feel like you're being overly sensitive, you feel you can't do anything right....
I questioned myself all the time, but that's because I couldn't do anything right. I made Jasper mad a lot and that is why I had to question everything I said and did before I did it, so Jasper wouldn't get mad at me. I looked at the words again, feeling anxious and having low self-esteem. How often had Jasper told me I didn't have any self-esteem? And I didn't. But that's because I wasn't good at anything. I messed up whatever I tried. I was anxious all the time and nervous about everything. I could never pinpoint the cause of the anxiety but guessed it had something to do with school or my hormones. That always made my stomach ache, too.
"Emelia?" The woman's raspy voice was back on the line. I pushed away the textbook and shook myself out of my thoughts. "I found the file for your step-dad. He was a student here back in the 50s. And there is a copy of the letter he wrote on Mr. Fitch's behalf. But the file for Mr. Fitch has only a few papers in it: your step-dad's letter, one from a Mr. Dowd, his application, and acceptance letter. Your information is correct. It's just there is no Henry. He's not here."
I lowered my head into my hand. Had Henry lied about where he was going? That was out of character for him. He'd discussed his plans to go to Cornell on more than a few occasions. He would live on campus. He would go in early summer to work and make some money to pay for school expenses. He didn't want to put the entire burden on his aging parents.
"Are you still there, Ms. Berggren?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry I can't help you. I can't give you the information you need. Good luck finding your friend."
"Thank you."
I hung up the receiver as Phillip walked through the door with two bags of groceries.
He unpacked them onto the table: cat food, yogurt, bananas, milk, orange juice, and a loaf of bread. The essentials around here.
He didn't say anything, just cleared his throat while he put away the groceries. Things were still awkward between us since yesterday's confrontation. I decided it was my cue to slip out and up to my room.
I'd struck out looking for Henry. He wasn't where he told me he'd be. Or had I heard wrong? That would be like me to screw it up.
Maybe he wasn't at Cornell, but he might be at another area school. I pulled out my Atlas from my desk drawer. It had been a travel companion on the road to Wyoming with a group of Girl Scouts the summer before high school in ‘79. The 1700-mile trip took three weeks. We'd made stops at significant landmarks along the way like: Devil's Tower, Mount Rushmore, the Grand Canyon. We'd stayed at state parks, which was a drag because there wasn't anything there to do. And the last night, we'd stopped at a KOA and drooled over the pool and all the other teens.... boys.... a game room. Civilization at last after almost three long weeks of roughing it in tents. But the girl in charge of lodging, Jennifer, concurred with the two adult chaperones that it was too expensive and we should go to a state park. Seriously? No lie. We'd scrimped and saved all the money we'd fundraised before the trip. It had taken two years of garage sales and cookie sales to raise enough money for the adventure. We'd gone cheap the entire trip. We wanted this one last hurrah of fun. But, we'd wound up at a state park in the boondocks of West Virginia. We built a campfire, made some kind of foil dinner, and sang camp songs in the dark, while I dreamed of swimming in a heated pool and talking to the cute guys who did cannonballs and laughed. I was certain they were having more fun than we were.
Jennifer was not popular that night. I'd heard someone put a fat, juicy toad in her tent. I have no idea who would have done such a horrible thing to her.
I laughed, flipping the pages of my Atlas to New York State. I located Cornell in Ithaca. Maybe I'd misunderstood and he'd gone to Ithaca college. It was probably a little less expensive than an Ivy League school like Cornell. There was a state university in Cortland. And also Elmira. And Syracuse, Binghamton, and Corning Community College were options as well. At least I'd heard Phillip talk about his days at Cornell enough I recognized the names of the nearby towns. And he'd talked about Ithaca College. I suppose I could ask Phillip. But, he'd want to know why and I didn't want to get into it with him. I wasn't ready to talk with him yet.
Maybe Henry had changed his mind and I didn't know about it. Or I hadn't listened well enough to retain that important nugget of information. I'd always been prattling on about Jasper. Had I been an inconsiderate friend? I certainly hadn't been a very good one to wait so long to look for Henry.
My heart hurt. I hadn't realized I missed Henry until now. I really was an awful friend.
The image of his face after I'd turned from his attempted kiss entered my mind and my heart hurt worse. I shook it off. I had things to do after all. I got my notebook and a pen and jotted down a list of possible Henry locations: Ithaca, Cortland, Elmira, Binghamton, Syracuse, and Corning. It was a good start. I'd call directory assistance for listings of a Henry Fitch in those areas first. If nothing panned out, I could try the smaller neighboring towns. He may be living off campus in a more rural area. He always liked the country: swimming holes, dirt bikes, and climbing trees.
I doodled on the paper, waiting for the sound of the door to close when Phillip left to meet my mom for lunch. They dined every day together at McDonalds, so an adoring Phillip could spend time with Mom, and Mom didn't have to spend her half hour lunch break running home, making a lunch, and getting back to work. Half hour lunch breaks suck. Phillip would leave ten minutes early and order her meal and have it waiting for her.