“I hate this. I’m trying so hard. You think I don’t see you dying inside? That I haven’t seen it all this time? I’ve watched you for five years and it kills me.”
“Then stop looking. Stop trying.”
“Tabs, please.”
She tried to walk away. Clenching her hands into fists, she turned back to her best friend. Daisy was one of her favorite people in the whole world. Darcy had been as well, but there was a bigger age gap between them. Also, Darcy had married Ink, who was much older and she’d become an old lady. In her mind, she and Daisy were part of the new generation of Skulls. Darcy was the old.
Even still, watching them all with their happy lives. Their men. Their perfect families. She loved them all dearly but that didn’t stop the envy.
“You got what you always wanted, Daisy. I’m happy for you. It wasn’t supposed to be this way for me and I know you all get tired of hearing about it. I don’t want to be that person anymore. Just leave me the fuck alone. Go back to your perfect life, and let me go.”
This time, Daisy didn’t call her back. She wasn’t stopped as she left the gate of the clubhouse.
Being a Skull was in her blood, but the moment Simon walked away, with each passing day she got further away from who she was, who she used to be. Nothing made much sense to her.
Keeping her hands clenched, she walked into town, not stopping, not waving at anyone. So many people knew her and she’d grown up being part of Fort Wills that it was impossible to be left alone.
Was that why she never left?
Why she didn’t go to Piston County?
Lexie, Simon’s mother, had offered her a place to stay many times. Had even given the suggestion of her actually living in her own place.
She was torn.
Deep in her soul, she wasn’t a Skull anymore. Hadn’t been for a long time. She still attended all the necessary picnics and parties, the family get-togethers, but something was missing. Something had been missing the past couple of years and she wasn’t an idiot. She knew what it was.
Simon.
He’d ridden off into the night, leaving her behind, and rather than being able to find herself again, she’d lost everything.
He was just gone.
You’re also angry.
All the fucking time.
She didn’t think about her anger. There was no point. It never helped her. It didn’t get her anywhere. All her anger did was feed the beast within and that was never good.
The last thing she wanted to feel was the anger, especially with where she was going.
She clenched and loosened her fists, trying to gain composure again.
Picking up the pace, she held the handle of her bag and pounded out her anger. The tears were so close to the surface, but she sucked them right back inside. There was no time for tears, not for her.
They were pointless. Useless.
Taking deep breaths, she saw the building up ahead and picked up her pace. She also made sure not to look miserable. Turning her frown into a smile, she pushed all of her thoughts to the back of her mind. By the time she arrived at the reception desk, she was a little out of breath but she gained control quite easily. That was what all the power walking did for her. No matter what she did, she was able to gain control.
Always had to be.
No one wanted to hear about her sad little story or how she struggled.
“I’m here to pick up Nathan,” she said.
“I’m here.”
She glanced toward the chairs and immediately went to him. “I’m here, sweetie.”
“It hurts, Mommy.”
“I know, baby.” She caught him as he threw himself at her. Holding him tight, she cupped the back of his head and picked him up.
The receptionist at the desk got her to sign a form for taking him out of school early.
Carrying Nathan out of the school, she didn’t look back.
“You never told me this morning you were feeling poorly.” She kissed his cheek, rubbed his back, and tried to offer him comfort. Nothing she did seemed to help him though.
“I know. I didn’t. I felt great but it started to hurt in class and Miss Andrea said I was just being a baby. That big boys don’t complain. How you might be busy.”
Tabitha was even more pissed now than ever before. “You don’t listen to her. If you ever feel sick, you come straight to me. You call me. I will always be waiting. Always.” She kissed his cheek again, blowing a raspberry on his cheek.
“I love you, Mommy.”
“I love you too, sweetheart. So, so much.”
Nathan had been a surprise. There was always a risk. On one of the last times with Simon, the condom they’d used had broken. Not long after, she’d been attacked by Ryan. Gritting her teeth, she forced her thoughts elsewhere. Whenever she was with Nathan, she refused to allow bad memories to come forward. It wasn’t Nathan’s fault.
Finding out she’d been pregnant had come as a shock. There had even been talks of ending the pregnancy. There was an equal chance between Simon and Ryan being the father. She’d gotten her son tested years ago. The piece of paper was still in the envelope. Unread. She hadn’t opened it. Hadn’t wanted to know the answer.
Her son was her baby.
Her boy.
She didn’t care about his father.
Ryan was rotting in hell and Simon, well, he was doing his little repentance or whatever the fuck it was. She couldn’t even give him the energy of thinking what it could be that he did that was useful.
He’d ridden away.
Asshole.
Carrying him toward Millie’s place, she opened the door. The young woman looked up and her smile turned into a frown.
“Oh, no, is everything okay?”
“It’s fine,” Tabitha said. “He’s feeling a little sick and so I figured I’d pick up what I ordered before I headed home.”
“Yes, of course.” Millie turned and quickly headed into the back of the shop. Millie was one of the club women and was married to Baker. A lovely woman, kind and sweet.
Nathan wriggled in her arms and she let him down to go ahead and play.
She loved to watch her son enjoying all the toys and gifts the shop had to offer. He was the one and only joy within her world.
A couple of minutes later, Millie came out of the back, carrying a large bag. Tabitha’s phone rang, interrupting them.
“Can I take this?”
“Sure. The signal in here is bad. You might want to take it outside. Don’t worry about him, I’ll take care. Nathan and I are good buddies.”
“Of course. Thank you.” Pressing the phone to her ear, she stepped out the door. “What’s up, Mom?”
Glancing at her watch, she saw it had been exactly a half an hour since she left the clubhouse and only now her mother called. Eva was certainly getting sloppy.
“I wanted to check up on you. See how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine. Nathan’s fine.” Tabitha rubbed her head, feeling the beginning of a headache. Her family, she loved them, she did, but they were always hovering. Expecting her to have some meltdown crisis.
She’d been fine for the past five years. She would continue to be fine. There was no reason for them to stress about it. Freaking out, breaking down, was not part of who she was.
“Oh, well, if you want, I can take Nathan.”