Prologue
I’ve watched them from my window for hours. A small group of brave yet foolish men and women fighting the blaze that burns so brightly in front of them.
I don’t understand why they try as hard as they do when something as all-consuming as the fire before them seems hellbent on destroying the structure that it has engulfed.
I watch the lights on their trucks to keep from calling out to them.
They’re fast, red, and blinking rapidly.
One, two, three, four, fi—or maybe seven? I can’t keep up.
This is nothing like Seattle, where I made my home for a brief time. The fires are almost nightly here and while I don’t care much about who starts them, I like to watch the flames lap at the sky.
It reminds me of the heart beating inside of my chest.
Too big for its own good, wanting to engulf anything it can touch, and burning with an intensity that my brother once told me would kill me if I couldn’t get it under control.
August Grant.
Genius, doting big brother, solver of all of the world’s problems—gone without a trace. It wounds my heart more than I’ll ever admit but I try to live my life without his ever watchful gaze since I know that’s what he would have wanted for me.
Wherever the fuck he is.
I move from the solace of the shadows in my room and perch on the window sill, arms crossed over my chest.
I sometimes wonder how Auggie would have quenched these fires that seem to spring up without merit or thought for human life.
He wouldn’t have rushed in as the ones I’m watching do. He would have a calculated response and reason for stopping them before things got out of control or anyone got hurt.
He would have made sure that I wasn’t anywhere near them because he knows that the young boy inside of me from when we were children is still very much alive and more curious than ever.
But Auggie’s not here anymore. Not with me, anyway, so there’s no one to direct or guide them. I don’t think they would have listened to him since they seem to have their shit together, but what’s on the outside isn’t always the truth—no matter how much we want to think it is.
Sometimes, I feel the overwhelming need to rush outside and help them, but I know that I’ll never be of any use to anyone other than my brother, so I watch and wait while the world burns down around me.
I can’t help but think that’s exactly what it deserves for tearing me and my brother apart.
The only thing the world forgot to burn down in its fury is that the bitch that tried to get between us and steal my brother away when I needed him the most.
Brighter, I silently will the fire. Watching the destruction of something else while heroes rush in to try and stop it will make me feel better. I don’t know why but in a weird way I can relate.
To the fires, not the group trying to fight them.
Hopefully, the next fire won’t be too far off.
Chapter One
Auggie left me.
It’s always the first thought I have when I wake up in the mornings and the last one I have before the rare nights I allow myself to sleep.
Even though he promised that he’d always be there for me, he left. I guess it wasn’t his fault and I know it wasn’t mine either. It took me a long time to realize that—that he had to leave so that I could stand on my own two feet, but some days, I wish he took me with him.
I always did look up to my big brother, and when the opportunity presented itself, I followed in his footsteps and left Atasha. Honestly, I don’t think she’s even noticed that I’m gone. She never did care much for me and only promised to help me out because Auggie made her.
I clear my throat as I scratch my chin then get comfortable against the shitty bus seat. At least it’s almost empty and there are only two other people on the bus with me—a young mother and her unruly and obnoxious son.
Could be worse; Atasha could be here instead of them, I think with an eye roll as I turn my attention to the scenery outside.
I count the number of parked cars that go by on each street. When I hit an odd number, I flinch and switch to counting buildings. Then trees, then people, then … nothing. That’s the worst part about being stuck inside of my mind without Auggie around—there’s no one to help me control the impulse to be a carefree villain like my heart so solemnly desires. It’s how I feed my soul, and while I have fun with it, I … I like to feel normal sometimes.
I’ll be alright though because I always am.
I’m already doing better.
I left Seattle for Portland and no one here knows who I am or the trouble I’ve gotten into back home or abroad. Only Auggie knew all of that. Well, Atasha too since he told her, but I think she knows better than to open her mouth.
I purse my lips as the bus slows to the next stop which is mine and I get to my feet when it stops. I turn and wave at the young mom, stare at her little boy in a way that the proverbial monster under the bed would, then wink at him when he finally calms the fuck down.
“Thanks,” I tell the driver quietly on my way down the steps.
I take a deep breath of the crisp Pacific Northwest air and smile for the first time in a long while.
Not everyone gets a chance to start over, and I’m hoping that the third time truly is the charm.
Chapter Two
I fish around deep inside of my pocket for the keys to my new apartment. Normally I like to live alone, but to be the better person I want to be, I have to learn to co-exist.
It’s what Auggie would want, and Auggie was always right.
Is, I correct myself quickly, Auggie is always right.
As I push the door open to my place, I walk in and flip the light switch on near the front door. It’s cold and sour inside, kind of like me, but I like it this way.
The inside of my apartment reflects the man I’m trying to shake off and until that happens, I don’t mind lingering in the bitter, arctic feeling gripping my heart.
Clearing my throat, I head into the kitchen and reach for the stack of mail that’s been piling up. I’ve only been here for a couple of months and I’ve gotten all kinds of “welcome” pamphlets. It’s a little unnerving to someone like me, so I avoided it until now.
Besides, the faster I can get through this pile, the faster I can start a new one.
After I’ve flipped through everything, I walk over to my trash can and toss it in.
Nothing from Auggie.
Nothing from the prestigious Grant family.
Nothing that matters.
Not that I would give a shit if Mom or Dad sent me anything. They never really did care much for me since I refused to live by their bullshit rules.
Auggie was the only one that cared. He’s the only one that ever called me Robbie because he knew I liked it best.
My given name is Trent Robert Grant, but Auggie called me Robbie ever since we were kids and it stuck.
My brother was the only person that would know how to stop my mind from working the way it does sometimes. Even I don’t know how to keep things in check, but I have my little tricks.
For example, if a light is blinking and I can feel myself starting to lose control, I’ll watch the light, count the blinks, and try to steady my breathing.
It’s fun even though it’s not supposed to be, but I guess we do what we can in life to appear normal and I’m getting better at it.