She helped herself to some more wine, turned off her phone, and crawled into bed with her book. She decided to take advantage of being here alone. There was no one to keep up late at night because she was reading, or become annoyed with her moving around or getting up to use the washroom. She read for another hour and then got up to use the washroom. Coming back to the bed, she plugged her phone into the charger. She wanted to go for a hike tomorrow, and she would need a fully charged phone. Hiking by yourself was one thing, hiking without a means of communicating if you had a problem was quite another.
~~~
In the morning, she put on her hiking shoes, sprayed herself down with mosquito repellent and put her phone in the pocket of her hiking pants. She stopped by the gas station on her way out to the trailhead, picked up a sandwich, some beef jerky, and trail mix before filling up her bottle of water. She drove down the highway to where the trail she wanted to hike began. Before she left her car, she checked her phone for reception and to see if there were any new messages for her.
Locking the car, she started up the trail, taking a deep breath and letting the mountain air, mixed with the scent underbrush in the trees soak into her very pores. She wished she fully understood why being outdoors could bring so much peace and rejuvenation; it would be great to figure out a way to bottle and sell it.
An hour and a half later found her sitting on a fallen log, halfway around the trail. She was eating the sandwich she picked up and sipping on more water. The sweat trickled down her back in a steady stream, and into her eyes. Finding her handkerchief in the front pocket of her hiking pants, she mopped the sweat from her forehead and tilted her head back to catch a bit of the breeze that was gently moving the treetops. Her body was tired. Tired in a good, worked-hard kind of way. She had walked down the trail at a brisk pace, barely easing up when she came to a steep section. The next half of the trail would be easier as it was more downhill. She had hiked this on previous trips, and it was one of her favorites.
A fly buzzed lazily around her head as she closed her eyes and felt her body respond to the rest. A few moments later, her head jerked up in surprise. She had nodded off and almost fallen off the log. Time to keep moving.
She did the second half in record time and was soaking in her tub with a glass of wine by early afternoon. There had been no further messages or calls on her phone, and she was beginning to get anxious. She couldn't understand why, after trying so hard to get her to talk to him last night, that he was totally ignoring her now.
She reached for the phone and redialed his number.
"Hi," he stated.
"Oh, I'm glad you answered," she said with some surprise that he picked up. There was silence at the other end of the phone.
"I'm sorry about not responding to your texts and calls yesterday," she said. "I just felt it was best if we both calmed down a little and I cleared my mind some."
"Okay," he said in a non-committal voice.
"How was your evening?" she asked.
"It was okay," he answered. "It would have been better if I had been with you, but if you felt it was better..."
"What do you mean? Better with me? You couldn't come," she said.
"Well, I couldn't, but I made arrangements," he said. "But you didn't answer so...."
"Well then, what are you waiting for, it's not too late!" she said excitedly.
"Yes, it is. It isn't worth driving out there to turn around and drive right back."
"But you wouldn't be if you leave now. We could have a nice dinner together, go for a walk, have a nice evening, and even hang out tomorrow." She responded.
"No, it's too late!" he said emphatically.
She felt as though she was a child who had been offered candy and then had it abruptly taken away from her. On top of that, she felt like somehow it was her fault. She laid in the fast-cooling water, and the relaxation of the day seemed a distant memory.
"I'll talk to you later, I have some things I need to do," he informed her. "I'll see you when you get back."
The click in her ear seemed to echo in the tiled washroom. Her mind whirled, and her body wrestled with feelings of anxiety, disappointment, and confusion. He had been in such a rush to contact her last night. He had made it sound like he was angry with her, not that he had found a way to join her. He could have sent her a text saying he wanted to join her instead of sending angry, accusing messages. Why was their relationship so difficult?
She finished her soak and curled up under the covers of her bed, her cell phone laying close by with the volume turned on. She didn't want to miss a call if he changed his mind. She snuggled down into the fluffy, down-filled duvet, convinced sleep would come quickly after her day of fresh air and exercise. An hour later, she lay staring at the ceiling, her body crying out for sleep, but her thoughts whirling in a thousand different directions. She couldn't get the conversation with her husband out of her head. She knew she should be doing something about how unhappy she felt, but no matter what she considered, she felt stuck. She had been single before, and she didn't want to go back there, not at her age. Leaving him would also mean a substantial financial hit for her, and while not insurmountable, she hated that idea as well. But if she stayed and continued as things were, she would spend the rest of her life unhappy. She also had to admit to herself that part of it was her pride. If she left him now the people who had urged her not to marry him would be proven right. She knew it shouldn't factor into things, but she couldn't help reflecting on the comments her friends had made when they were dating, and how ardently she had defended him and their relationship.
Turning over for the umpteenth time, she punched her pillow and groaned with frustration. She could make all the excuses in the world, but the fact of the matter was she still loved him. Or rather, she loved the man he had been. But she had to admit to herself that the man he had been may never have existed. The longer they were married, the more she realized he had been acting a part when they first met. He was so attentive, so loving, and he'd made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. That feeling was addictive, and now she craved its return; by leaving her marriage, she faced the real possibility of never experiencing it again.
Chapter Seventeen
Olivia
L uke came by the house on Sunday for dinner with Olivia and the boys, as well as with a couple of her friends. This was the first time he would meet the boys, and Olivia was a bit nervous. She had purposefully kept Luke away from them, just as she had done with anyone she had dated. She didn't want a string of men coming through their lives like a revolving door, so it was a big step for her to arrange this dinner. For the first time, she admitted to herself how much she believed there was a future for them.
Her anxiety had brought up deep-seated emotions that she had assumed she had dealt with years ago. She was second-guessing herself and her relationship. Surely there was something wrong with him that everyone else would be able to see - after all, he couldn't be as great as she thought. She had checked and double-checked her appearance in her bedroom mirror. Turning to the side, she touched her stomach and tried to suck it in so it would lay flat. Why was he attracted to her? She wasn't one of those lean, athletic women who could eat whatever they want and still keep their figure. Next, she fiddled with her bra strap and tried to find a way to adjust it so her breasts looked perkier. Finally, she gave up with a sigh of resignation and went back to the kitchen to start the meal.