“You know, I could fill in…”
I lifted my hand. “No.” The word came out harsher than I wanted it to. “I know it seems so silly that I don’t want to talk about it, yet I say I want answers. I’m trying to work this out on my own. There is a reason my mind is blocking my memory, and I might not ever get it back. I know it must be hard to not say anything, so thank you for respecting my wishes all these years.”
She nodded, but her eyes had glassed over some.
The car behind us honked, and we both jumped and let out a little scream. The light was green, and Lord knows how long we had been sitting there.
As Saryn quickly accelerated onto the highway, she tossed me a quick, knowing look. “Oh, honey, I think you’re going to find him, sooner than you think.”
I placed my hand on my lower stomach to calm my nerves and whispered, “I hope so, Saryn, I really hope so.”
Nolan
One week earlier
MY PHONE BUZZED in my pocket, and I quickly pulled it out. “What do you want? I’m on vacation!” I shouted.
“Nolan? Where in the hell are you? What’s that noise?”
I laughed at the surprise in my best friend’s voice. “Truitt! I’m about to jump out of a helicopter.”
“On purpose? And what the hell are you doing taking my call then?”
“Yes, on purpose. And I figured it was important if you were calling me, bro.”
There was a moment of silence before he whisper-shouted, “Dude, are you on some secret mission?”
“No, I’m in Rio de Janeiro, jumping out for the hell of it. And I’m not a spy, dumbass. Don’t you know what I do for a living, man?”
Truitt sighed, or at least I thought he might have sighed. It was hard to hear him. Finally he said, “Because it’s not like your job is dangerous enough, now you’re jumping out of a helicopter.”
“What’s up? They’re waiting on us!” I yelled over the roar of the helicopter firing up.
“Right. Okay, so Nolan turns two next week and we’d love for you to be able to make it to the birthday party. After all, he is your godchild.”
“Next week?” I shouted.
“Yes, Saturday!” Truitt yelled back.
A part of me dreaded the idea of going anywhere near Boerne. But I also wanted to see Truitt and Saryn, as well as the kids.
“No promises, but I’ll be there if I can.”
Jack slammed my back and yelled, “Let’s go!” Then ran to the helicopter and jumped in.
“Listen, I’ve got to go.”
I could hear Truitt sigh. “Okay, call me later so I know you didn’t kill yourself, you lunatic.”
“Right! Kiss Saryn and the kids!”
After I hit End, I zipped my phone back up and headed to the helicopter and jumped in. It didn’t take us long to get to the altitude we needed to jump.
I looked over at Jack who held up three fingers to let me know we had three minutes until deployment. I nodded as a rush of adrenaline hit me and I forgot all about Boerne and the idea of heading back home and facing memories I’d worked so hard at forgetting.
Jack held up one finger to signal we had one minute as he started to make his way out of the helicopter. Pete, our other friend, looked at me and shook his head as I laughed. I was positive he was wondering how in the hell I had talked him into this. We both climbed down and stood on the edge of the landing skid. Then, Jack lifted his hand and gave me a thumbs up.
Pete looked like he was about to get sick. The three of us each had GoPros attached to our helmets. My pulse pounded, and I looked out at the blue sky dotted with white clouds. I needed this. Craved it. Fucking lived for it. This wasn’t anything new for me. I had jumped out of plenty of planes, but the helicopter was a new experience for me. Skydiving was a huge adrenaline rush, and I was addicted to anything that gave me a rush. Anything that made me forget my past.
We moved down, holding onto the landing skid with our hands. I heard Jack count down. “Five, four, three, two, go!”
I launched my body out. It felt so freeing. The rush of the freefall was unreal, yet at the same time, it was one of the most beautiful moments one could ever experience. Off to one side was the ocean, a sea of blue and green. On the other side, a view of Rio de Janeiro and the mountains took my breath away.
I would never get tired of this. And the more times I did it, the better it was. It never got old. A moment when I allowed myself, for only the briefest of times, to not be in control. Even if it did only last five minutes, it was five minutes where I didn’t have to think about anything else.
Five minutes later, we were back on the ground. Hands slapping and smiles on our face. With the exception of Pete. He never was one for jumping out of planes, and now he could add helicopter to the list of perfectly good modes of transportation he’d much rather stay seated in.
“I need a drink,” Pete said as he walked past us.
“Where are you going?” Jack called out, laughing. Pete simply raised his hand and shot us the finger.
Jack and I laughed as we followed him.
Two hours later, we sat down to eat at a restaurant called Marius Degustare, renowned for their Brazilian and Mediterranean cuisine.
“Because flying a fighter jet and causing it to go into a tailspin while you attempt to right it again isn’t fun enough for you two?” Pete asked as he downed another drink.
I shrugged as Jack shoved food into his mouth.
Pete pointed at me. “I get why you do it. At least, I think get why.” Then he pointed at Jack. “You, I have no idea.”
Jack smiled and winked at him.
My curiosity got the best of me. “Why do you think I do it, Pete?”
“Which part? The insane adventures you go on? Or your job?”
I shot him a half smile. “Both.”
Pete sat back and used his napkin to wipe his mouth. He regarded me with a serious look as he thought about what he was going to say. That was Pete, though. He wasn’t a pilot. He was a numbers, statistics, and data kind of guy. While we flew up in the planes, he was down on the ground taking our findings and making the planes safer. Faster. Better.
“The adventure part. You’re an adrenaline junkie. I think all fighter pilots are in a way. You couldn’t do what you did if you didn’t love it. As for your job?”
He stroked his chin, and Jack laughed and said, “Hell, we’re going to be here all night.”
I smiled and took a bite of my fish while I waited for Pete to finish.
“For some reason, I don’t think you joined the Air Force with the dream of being a test pilot.”
“You don’t?” I asked with one raised brow.
He shook his head. “No. I don’t. A pilot, yes. Anyone can see your love of flying in the way you do it. You’ve been doing it for a lot of years.”
I nodded. “My father taught me.”
“I figured. I think there’s a deeper reasoning behind why you decided to be a test pilot, though.”
Jack froze next to me, and I forced myself to smile. “I think you use that brain of yours too much, Pete. I love my job and being able to make the planes safer for my fellow pilots is reason enough for me to do it.”
He returned my smile with one of his own. “Do I? Think too much? Maybe you’re right. But every time you go up there, you have a purpose beyond what we do. It’s as if you’re trying to make up for something or someone you wronged.”