No doubt, because of me.
That place inside me quivered and swelled, crying out, because without him, I was so empty. It was his mark, the imprint he’d left behind.
I gulped around the heaviness in my chest before I continued. “Everything changed when he showed up at our apartment. It was like this crush I always had on him instantly became something so intensely real.”
A part of me realized that it’d become real the night when he was sent away, when I’d understood true heartbreak for the first time in my life at the age of fourteen. But maybe it took the two of us coming face-to-face as adults that brought it to fruition. Maybe it took our completion to shatter us wholely.
“He became my world, Mom. Living without him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“I don’t know if I even want to know how long you were hiding this from me.” Fidgeting, she inclined her head, making it clear that she really did want to know.
“He was there for three months.”
I was always hiding things from her. And I still was because I didn’t know how to voice it.
“God, Aly.” She slowly shook her head, sadness coloring her words. “And I have to guess he left pretty quickly after I found him there?”
“Yeah, it all fell apart that night. He blames himself for all of it. He doesn’t believe he’s allowed happiness, so he destroys it the second he feels a flicker of it.”
I had felt him sabotaging us that night. He ruined us, just because he believed he was supposed to. “All it took was me telling him I loved him, and he was gone.” I figured I’d spare Mom all the details of that night because, in the end, that was all it really came down to. Jared didn’t believe he deserved to be loved.
Mom’s face pinched as she released a regretful sigh. “I’m so sorry, Aly, sorry that you’re going through this. Sorry for ever once giving you and Christopher the impression that I didn’t care about Jared or that we should forget about him. I did try to get him help. I saw him unraveling, but every time I tried to intervene, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried to convince Neil to get himself and Jared into therapy, but he was so wrapped up in his grief he couldn’t see anything else. Neil gave up on himself… gave up on life. Without Helene, he didn’t think he had anything.”
Mom closed her eyes as if shielding herself from that pain. Neil was never the same after he lost Helene. Our family had lost him, too.
“That was the most helpless I’ve felt in my life… watching Jared destroying himself over an accident that any one of us could have caused,” Mom continued, sucking in her bottom lip as she got lost in thought. She released a ragged breath. “All these years I worried for him, praying he was safe. I tried several times to get in contact with him after he’d been released, but I could never find him. I guess probably because he didn’t want to be found. All I could do was hope he’d gone somewhere where he’d be able to find some peace, even if he couldn’t be here. When I saw him at your apartment, it was about the greatest relief I could have imagined.”
Mom cringed when she looked down at me. “But I was scared for him, too, Aly. One look at him told me he was still haunted… broken. All those marks covering his body, screaming out about how miserable he was inside. The fear in his eyes when he saw me standing there.” Her mouth trembled, and she let her attention travel the room as if she were gathering herself. Then she turned a soft smile on me. “But there was a light in his eyes that had been missing after the accident.” Mom hooked her finger under my trembling chin. “It was you, Aly. Do you think I didn’t catch the way he was looking at you? Like maybe you were going to save him? Like you were the only thing that mattered in that room? And you were looking at him the same way, too.”
“I miss him so much,” I whispered.
“There was always something special between the two of you.” She held my gaze for a long time, before she patted my knee. “Hang on a second. I want to show you something.”
Mom got off the couch, wandered down the hall, and returned a couple of minutes later. She sat back down beside me, handing me the picture she held in her hand. Of course it immediately brought tears back to my eyes because over the last three months I really hadn’t stopped crying, these emotions wringing me out. But this… this warmed and soothed and broke me a little more.
There was no mistaking the little boy, the stark white hair and beaming blue eyes. He was sitting on the couch, Helene right beside him as she helped him support the baby propped on his lap.
Softly, I trailed my fingers over the picture.
“From the minute I brought you home, you were always his baby. He would run in ahead of Helene, calling for you. He could barely talk, but there was no mistaking him saying your name.” A wistful smile kissed her mouth. “God… he was just the cutest little thing, Aly. He was always looking out for you, making sure you were never left behind.”
A small sob worked its way up my throat. I pressed my fist to my mouth, trying to hold it in.
Because he had… he had left me behind. He forgot me, leaving me completely alone. It hurt so much. And I was trying so hard to see myself on the other side of it, to be strong because I knew there would be a time when I would treasure what he’d given me. There’d be a time when I was no longer afraid and I’d smile when I saw him in glimmers of what he’d injected into my life.
Tremors rolled through the length of my body, shaking me to my core because all I wanted was for him to be a part of it.
Mom reached out to touch the memory of her friend’s face. Her voice dropped in slow encouragement. “You know, she always said the two of you would end up together. She’d watch you playing together and then give me this look that said I told you so.” Warm laughter trickled from her mouth, something that sounded so hopeful and so very sad. “You don’t know how happy it would make her to know you love her son the way she always hoped you would… how happy it makes me to know you’ve found someone to love this way.”
Her assertion burned me deep inside. “Mom, how can you say that? He’s gone.” I emphasized the word because I realized then that was what I really needed to accept.
Sorrow squeezed my spirit.
He was gone.
Mom cupped my cheek. “Hearts have a way of finding their way home.”
Tuesday evening I drove the short distance back to the apartment after my classes ended for the day. Sunlight barely clung to the sky. Golds blazed at the horizon and danced with the waning blue. Through the windshield, I lifted my face to it, hit with the intense urge to curl up on my bed with my sketch pad, to free my hand and see his face.
All I wanted was to see his face.
I wound around the lot and parked in my spot. Sucking in a deep breath, I got my bag and stepped from the car. I felt drained. Fatigued. I always felt a little bit off, like this overall sickness burdened my body. My feet were heavy as I crossed the lot, heavier as I studied them, coaxing them to take the next step. I took them one at a time, holding on to the railing for support.