I felt her moving toward me, and my lids fluttered open, my face pinched as I lifted my gaze to take her in. Warily she approached with her head hung low, her movements all slow and unsure.
“You think I don’t want you here?” Hurt overwhelmed her expression. “Did you not believe what I told you, Jared? Or did you think what happened between us was just a game to me? I meant every single word. I gave myself to you.” She beat her fist out in front of her, each strike pounding the air with emphasis, before she drew it up to the valley between her breasts, just over her heart. “I haven’t been able to sleep in three months… three months… because all I could do was worry about you.”
Her bottom lip trembled, and she sucked it between her teeth. “Look at you. God, Jared, you break my heart. What happened to you?” She reached out and ran the back of her hand along the fading bruises on my cheek and fluttered her fingertips over the puckered skin extending out right above my left ear. My hair had grown long enough to barely cover the rest of the scar that snaked around to the back of my head.
I’d been lucky. That’s what they said. How many times had I heard it before? This time when I woke up in the ICU, the doctor had granted me no pleasantries. Point-blank, he’d told me, “You should be dead.” And he’d looked at me like maybe he thought I deserved to be.
“I happened.” I sat up straighter, lifting my chin so I could meet her eye, because I had no defense. “It’s always me. I’m a fucking mess, Aly, but without you, I’m a disaster. I… ” I winced, cutting my attention to the shadows on her floor, before I gathered enough courage to look back up at her. “You make me better. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, but those three months I spent with you were the best of my life. You made me feel things I’ve never felt before.”
Made me feel things I never thought I could feel, things I thought I wasn’t allowed to feel, things that hinted at joy and swam thick with affection. And I was feeling them now, all these emotions swarming me, a tug-of-war of confusion and need.
Aly’s exhale was palpable as it rushed across my face, her movements tentative as she inched forward, her legs knocking into my knees. Maybe there was something reminiscent of the first night when she’d pushed us over the edge, that intense desperation that had been present when she asked me to stay. But tonight, nothing in her intentions seemed seductive like they’d been then. If anything, she looked scared.
Fuck. I couldn’t get my leg to stop bouncing as she slowly crawled onto my lap, straddling me, her warmth covering me whole.
It took about all I had not to crush her to me.
Fingertips gentled along my jaw, and she inclined her head to the side. “You can’t understand how much I missed you,” she whispered through the torment that wouldn’t seem to let her go.
But she was wrong. It might be the only thing I could understand.
Shaking, I took her face in my hands, the tips of my fingers weaving in her hair. She reached up to cover them with hers.
“Jared,” she whispered. Tears streaked down her face, hot and fast.
“I’m so sorry,” I promised. “And I know I can’t take back these months I’ve been gone, but I want to try… I want to try to make this work. God, Aly, please tell me you want the same thing.”
Aly choked, and again, she whimpered my name.
Frantic, I searched her eyes, feeling the pain that radiated from the surface of her skin. Fear coiled, and again I was thinking maybe I was too late, I’d done too much damage, and she was getting ready to push me away.
But she was holding on to me like she was going to hold on to me forever.
I wet my lips, shaking. “Baby… tell me what’s wrong.”
Aly stared down on me with overwhelming dread as she pulled my hands from her face. For a few painful seconds, she clutched them between us. She lowered them and flattened them across her belly. The heat of her palms held my hands there, pressing, pressing, telling. Everything in the movement was severe, pleading, her cheeks soaked with the tears that wouldn’t quit leaking from her eyes.
All the muscles in my body stiffened. My mind raced through every scenario because there was no possible way to accept her meaning.
But she wasn’t clarifying, wasn’t taking it back.
“No,” stumbled from my mouth as I edged back in the chair, needing space, my head shaking.
Her fingers dug into the backs of my hands as she pressed them more firmly against her stomach. “Yes.” It was a declaration.
“No, Aly, no.”
Panic spread slowly just beneath the surface of my skin. Every cell in my body lit in an excruciating blaze, like dominoes tipped one by one, catching fire.
“How?” How could I have done this?
She slanted her face away, then jerked it back to me. “I don’t know. I… I messed up.”
She messed up? Silent, mocking laughter pounded me in the chest.
It was me who messed up. I always did.
The walls closed in and the room spun. I nudged her from my lap.
Aly reeled back when I set her on her feet. “Jared, please talk to me.”
But I was the one who was reeling. Floundering. Standing, I fisted my hands in my hair as I began to pace her room. How could I have let this happen?
I don’t get to have this.
“Don’t do this, Jared. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong.”
“I have to… I have to go.” I headed for her door. I just needed some air. Because I couldn’t fucking breathe.
“Don’t you dare leave me, Jared. Please… don’t do this to me.” Her words were cracked and rushed. From behind, she grabbed me by the shirt, desperate as she pulled me back. “I won’t let you do this to me… I won’t let you do this to us.”
I wheeled around, taking her by the wrists, binding her hands between us as I brought us chest to chest. Wide, startled eyes stared up at me, her perfect mouth parted in shock.
“Do you think I could? Fuck… Aly… ”
Didn’t she get it?
I swallowed, overwrought, as I looked at the girl who I’d done so wrong. I didn’t know how to be okay with this because I’d never been more scared of anything in my life. I’d taken life, and I had no right to give it. But there was no staying away from the only one who had ever touched my heart.
I increased my hold. “I… please just give me some time.”
Aly drew her lips into a thin line, her brow knit as she studied me, as if she wanted to resist. Instead she nodded quickly and took a single step back. “Okay.” She swallowed and nodded again. “But before you walk away, I need you to know I love you, Jared.”