All the breath left me when I lifted my head, and I was engulfed in fear and panic and an almost terrifying explosion of relief.
Because the only eyes I wanted to see were watching me from where he sat on the top step, his forearms resting on his knees, his intense ice blue eyes staring down at me.
“Jared.”
TWENTY-FOUR
Jared
God, seeing her had to be about the best feeling I’d ever experienced. With just the suggestion of her face, dizzying waves of relief slammed into me, filling up that hollowed-out void.
Aly.
Slanting a nervous hand through my hair, I did my best to sit still while I stared down at the green eyes that had locked on me. Strands of the darkest hair swirled all around her, stirred up by the cool breeze that had fallen with the descending night. Frozen midstep, she clung to the railing like maybe she feared she would fall, like the world had just dropped out from beneath her feet.
I guess mine had the moment I opened my eyes to find her hovering over me that first night I’d slept on her couch.
God knew she was the only one who’d managed to change it.
A somber smile pulled at my mouth while something profoundly heavy pulled at my heart.
The girl was so beautiful. Breathtaking.
Air seemed impossible to find, my pulse all thready and harsh. Every cell in my body was screaming at me to get up, to take her in my arms, to kiss her and hold her and make sure she was real because I’d spent so many nights dreaming about her that I wasn’t entirely sure what real was anymore.
Cautiously, I climbed to my feet. A tumult of thoughts fired through my mind while somehow I remained at a complete loss for words. I had no idea how she’d react to me being here, had no clue what she was thinking, couldn’t tell if she was happy or relieved or angry because she just looked fucking sad.
I wanted to wipe that sadness from her face and erase it from her heart because there was no question I was the one who’d written it there. The most selfish part of me coming back was I still didn’t know if I knew how. The only thing I knew was I could no longer stay away. It just wasn’t possible when she was the only thing I could see.
“Aly,” I finally managed to whisper, her name the sum of all the tumult coursing through me. She was all that mattered.
Five steps down, she stood there, unmoving, before her head slowly began to shake, her lips trembling as tears broke loose. Her eyes squeezed shut. She dropped her face, her free hand in a fist as she spoke toward the concrete steps. “You came back.”
Her voice ached with uncertainty and loss, swam with turmoil, echoed the broken girl I’d left standing in the middle of the lot screaming my name.
And it stung. This girl had been hurting just as badly as me.
But what had I expected? That she was fine? That there’d been a second’s chance that she’d moved on like I promised her she would?
I mean, damn it, there’d been no denying what I felt in her touch.
And there was no denying now how I hurt her.
Lines creased between my eyes. “How could I not?” My hand fluttered in her direction, wishing I could make every fucking inch of space separating us disappear. “I lied to you, Aly. That night… ” I swallowed hard as my attention shot to the place where I’d left her behind before I angled it back on her. “I left knowing I could never forget you, but praying somehow you could forget me. And I know I shouldn’t be here. I know I should give you a chance to forget, but, Aly… I miss you.”
I missed her. God, I missed her.
Aly looked up at me through the hair shielding her face, the face that was all twisted in grief, soaked with tears and the scars I’d carved in her spirit.
“Aly – ”
Harshly, she shook her head, a quick command for silence. She didn’t look away from me as she slowly started up the steps. She edged to the left, and I turned to let her by. An overwhelming fear of rejection punched me in the gut when I realized I was too late.
Until she glanced up at me as she passed, her eyes imploring. Please.
On the landing, Aly fumbled with her keys and unlocked the door, left it open in invitation as she went inside. She didn’t stop when she dumped that huge-ass purse from her shoulder and onto the floor, the act rushing me with all these memories of the days I’d spent waiting for her to walk through that door. Shit. Could I be more of a fool? Because here I was, asking for the same thing I’d been asking for before, seeking out her comfort when I knew it could never be something I would deserve. What the hell did I think had changed? But something had… I felt it deep… whatever had struck me that night on the deserted road in Nevada, the night I realized I wanted to live. That I had something to live for.
Because I wanted to live for her.
I wanted it. I wanted to be with her. And I didn’t fucking want to hide it anymore.
I hesitated at the threshold before I stepped through. Inside, the apartment was the same, but somehow it felt vacant, like I’d missed too much of what had happened behind this door in the months I’d been away.
Quietly, I latched it shut.
Aly didn’t spare me a glance as she disappeared into her room. I trailed a ways behind, not knowing what to expect. At the doorway, I paused. Twilight encroached on the room, natural light fading as the last was sucked into the night. Shadows danced and played, taunted and teased. So much had been shared between us here, things that changed lives and hearts and realities.
Aly stood at the foot of her bed, facing the window, her arms crossed over her chest, hugging herself, like she was struggling to keep herself from falling to her knees. Her shoulders jerked, and I knew she was crying as she tried to hold herself together.
Roughly, I scrubbed my palms over my face because I realized I wanted that to be me – I wanted to be the man who was strong enough to lift her up when she fell. But I was weak, fucking inept, and I didn’t know how to make myself right when everything inside me was wrong.
Still I wanted to try. I was determined to try.
Apparently her door had long since been repaired, but not the damage I’d done. I clicked it shut behind me. I plodded across the floor and turned her dressing table chair out to face the room. I settled on it, my elbows finding my knees, my entire frame hunched over in submission.
A dense silence blanketed the room.
“Aly, tell me what you’re thinking,” I finally begged. The words sounded like gravel as they scraped up my throat. “If you want me to go, just say it, and I’ll walk out that door, and I promise you, this time you’ll never see me again.” Maybe I was too late. Maybe she had moved on. God, I couldn’t fucking bear the thought, the thought of someone else touching her, the idea of someone else loving my girl. That same old insanity rose in me. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to temper it, to block it out, because I had no right to claim her. But damn if I didn’t want to.