“You were young. You…couldn’t have known that you would lose it. That you would blackout and—”
“It’s no excuse. I knew my powers were huge. I could feel it. Could feel them inside. I should have been more careful. What should have been a fistfight…a busted lip…a torn shirt, and some bruised egos…ended up in tragedy. I should never have been forgiven for what I did. Bella told everyone that I started to glow. Apparently, when I let my powers out, my whole body gets this strange glow. I become a fighting, killing machine. She called me a freak, and she was right.”
“Berserker mode,” I say. “You are the lord of war. You are not a freak.”
“It’s terrible. I’m a fuck up! There’s no thought. No control. No off button. I kill. I do so indiscriminately. I killed my best friend. I would have killed more people if they hadn’t stopped me. They held me down for fifteen minutes. It took eight adult dragon shifters to hold me down long enough for whatever state I was in to pass.”
“I can’t imagine what that must have felt like. What you must have gone through. You’ve never forgiven yourself.” It’s not a question. I’m stating a fact.
“I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”
“You didn’t know it would happen.”
“I could feel it. I can feel the power inside me. It’s simmering beneath the surface. I let it out that day. I was so angry that I let it out, and I did the unforgivable.”
“You said that you were forgiven, though. I’m sure there’s a reason for that.” I try.
He nods, “I wasn’t persecuted. I wasn’t sentenced to death, but I was banished from the dragon lands. My mother and I lived in this cabin,” he looks around him, “on the outskirts of dragon shifter lands. They said they couldn’t trust that it wouldn’t happen again. They were right to be afraid. My poor mom.” Rage blinks. His eyes are shimmering. His throat works. “She couldn’t be with her people. Couldn’t stay in her beautiful home. She never got over what happened. She died two years later.”
“Oh, no!” I touch the side of his arm. “That must have been rough.”
“I was alone for a couple of years after that. It was a good thing. I could sort through a whole lot of shit inside my head. The guys visited. Then they left the weyr as well. My mom sounded like you. Told me I was being too hard on myself. That I wasn’t myself when the power took over. She worked hard at getting me to forgive myself. I think all of it was what made her sick. Dragon shifters don’t get sick easily. Not like she did. I think she died of loneliness. Of a broken heart. Her death is also on me.” His voice chokes up.
I want to tell him it’s not true. That he’s truly being too hard on himself, but I don’t. I’m sure he’s been told all of this before.
“That’s why I won’t let myself lose control. That’s why I keep such a handle on my powers. You’re right, I might be able to kill Gaire if I did let go, but I doubt I’d have control of my powers. I’d end up going on a killing spree. I might kill you. Anyone else who got in my way. Innocent humans…” He’s shaking his head.
“I understand,” I say. “It makes sense. You might be surprised how much control you have now, though. You’re an adult. Newly acquired powers are dangerous things.”
“I won’t take that chance. I can’t!”
“I completely get it. I don’t blame you for being cautious.” No wonder he’s so hard on himself. No wonder he won’t forgive himself or give himself even a single break. I can’t expect him to do something that left his best friend dead and brought his whole world crashing down.
“Gaire offered to bring Warrick back from the dead in return for handing you over to him.” He looks me in the eyes. I see despair.
“Wow!” I sit back in my chair. That was the last thing I expected to hear. “He’s afraid. I told you he’s running scared.” My mouth feels like it’s full of cotton wool.
“He didn’t look scared to me.”
“Trust me on this. Why would he try to make a deal if he has the upper hand? Maybe the sex worked even with the condom.” I shrug.
“Maybe.” He’s frowning.
“I’ve never known anyone to break one of his bones, and I’ve never seen Gaire offer anyone a deal. Not ever!” I feel my heart sinking. “You’re going to do it, then?”
“Do what? Hand you over?” He’s frowning heavily.
I nod. “I would understand if you did. You hardly know me. You could right a wrong.”
“I do know you, Nia.” He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. Then he lets go. I think he can see how tense I’ve become. I like the affection, but I don’t want it. I can’t go there. “I won’t stop fighting for you or trying to get you free. Besides, I think Gaire is full of shit. I don’t think he can bring Warrick back, and if he does, I can’t see him being the same as before. He won’t be my best friend anymore. He’ll be something else.”
“I appreciate that you won’t stop fighting for me. You know that I can’t jump into a relationship with you, though.” I have to remind him, because I can feel things shifting between us. “There won’t be an us. I can’t—”
“You don’t have to explain. I know. I get it. You’re afraid.”
I nod. “I am. I don’t want to lose control of myself all over again.”
Rage gives me a half-smile for a moment or two. “I understand that more than most, I assure you. At least you won’t end up killing indiscriminately if you do,” he mutters.
I snort out a laugh. It holds no humor. “What do you think Gaire wants me for? In my hellhound form, I’m formidable.”
“I can well imagine. You might need to show me what that looks like some time. Your hellhound form.” His eyes are glinting.
I smile, but it quickly sours. “He wants to turn me into a tracking, killing machine.” I shiver, wrapping my arms around myself. “Not everyone he’ll expect me to take down will be evil or deserving of his punishment. I can’t fight these compulsions forever. So, I will be expected to kill indiscriminately. It’ll be hell. I think you understand how that would feel.”
He nods. “Then we’re more alike than we ever imagined.”
I pick at a piece of loose thread on the sofa. “There’s something you need to know…”
“What’s that?” He frowns.
“You are making the decision not to hand me over because you don’t believe Gaire can bring your friend back.” I pull in a breath. “He can, Rage. You need to know that he can, and he will.” I look down at my hands. “I would understand if you decided not to help me anymore in return for Warrick.”
“You’re saying Gaire can get Warrick back? That he’ll be normal? Not some zombie, or—”
“He’ll be exactly how he was when he died.”
“Sixteen years old?”
I nod. I’m practically holding my breath. I can’t blame him if he takes the deal. “All I ask is that you renegotiate the terms. Tell him you won’t be involved, in exchange for your friend’s return. Tell him you’ll stop helping me in return for Warrick. Please don’t hand me over. Let me get away first. Give me a fighting chance.” Gaire will still find me. Without the help of Rage and his friends, it won’t take long, and there won’t be any defense against him. At least, I don’t think there will be. I will have to hope that I’m no longer as bound to that bastard.