I scrubbed my face as memories began to reshape and take form in my head. Memories I hated to think about, let alone share with anyone. Even Liv.
“I was young and foolish, Liv. Living my dream. Life was an endless stream of rituals. We toured constantly. Hotel rooms, tour buses, planes. Women. Alcohol. Any cliché you want to throw out there about the music industry, I probably lived it at some point.”
I met her eyes. “I never did drugs, and I wasn’t a man whore. I had lots of opportunities for both, but I tried to hold on to at least some of the values my parents taught me. I wasn’t an angel, but I certainly wasn’t as bad as some of the guys were. Even in my own band. We had to have more than one intervention at times to keep us going.”
“What happened, Van?”
“I met a girl one day. Her name was Tonya. I fell pretty hard. She was different from the other girls I had met. Quieter, not as flashy. She was a journalist and had come to interview us. Usually, Brett took the lead, but she kept directing her questions at me. After the interview was done, we kept talking, and I took her out for coffee. She fascinated me, and it seemed she felt the same way.”
Liv shifted, her hands restless. I lifted one to my mouth, kissing the knuckles.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No, I feel…” She hesitated. “Jealous, okay? I feel jealous.”
I leaned forward and kissed her. “Don’t. How I felt about her and how I feel about you are worlds apart. I was young, stupid, and lonely. She paid attention to me. Not Brett, not Jared the drummer. Me. One of the guitar players—not even the popular one.” I barked out a laugh. “She played me well.”
“She hurt you?”
I stood, feeling restless. I walked around the room, absently picking up objects, setting them down, and moving again. I stood by the window, looking into the darkness of the night.
“Yes, she did. It wasn’t really me she wanted. It was Brett.” Agitated, I ran a hand through my hair. “I was so smitten, I never saw what was happening right under my own nose.”
“Tell me.”
“We moved fast—too fast. She came on tour with us. She got on well with everyone—including Brett. I thought I’d found the perfect girl. I loved her, my friends liked her, she understood the business. It seemed right.” I lifted one shoulder, feeling the twinge. “But nothing was what it seemed.”
I stared out the window, thoughts and images swirling through my head. “I should have known. I should have seen. But Tonya had a way of clouding my mind. Twisting things so they suited her. She said and did all the right things.” I was quiet for a moment. “I was getting tired of the touring and the lifestyle. The other guys still loved it, but my dream had begun to change. I wanted a family. I have always loved kids, and I wanted to settle down and make a home and family. My dream was to write music, sell it, maybe play guitar in the studio for recordings. I had rediscovered my love of carpentry, and I entertained thoughts of opening my own place. I thought I could have it all. Music, working with my hands, a family…”
Silence filled the room as I struggled to form the words I had to share with Liv. I started when her arms wrapped around me, and she pressed herself to my back.
“You don’t have to tell me, Van.”
I covered her hands with mine and squeezed. Her touch helped to center me, and I let out a long breath.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Whatever it is, remember it’s in the past. It can’t hurt you now.” She pressed closer. “I’m right here.”
I looked down at our hands. I was so broad, her arms could barely wrap around me, yet I felt completely wrapped up in her. Safe and protected.
No one had ever made me feel that way until now.
“Tonya knew my dreams. I thought she was on board with them. In fact, we began trying to get pregnant. I spoke with the guys about leaving. They understood but supported me. They were thrilled I wanted to keep writing for them and helping in the studio. I promised them I wasn’t in a hurry, and we would take it slow. Find the perfect person to fill my spot. So I kept planning and dreaming. Trying to make a baby with Tonya. Looking to the future.” I laughed, the bitter sound loud in the room. “I should have been paying more attention to the present.”
“There was an accident,” she murmured. “I remember reading about it.”
“Yes. We were on a day off and out for a car ride. Brett and I liked to drive and talk or work on music. It had been a long tour, and it was almost over. I had been feeling unsettled and tense. Something was wrong, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I put it down to being tired and ready for the tour to be over. I thought the drive would help clear my head. A day away from the usual monotony of touring. Tonya wanted to come with us, and I was happy to have her. She had been acting oddly, and I figured she was feeling the same exhaustion.”
I shut my eyes briefly, remembering the last few minutes when my life seemed normal.
“Tonya was driving. Brett was in the passenger seat, and I was in the back. We were working on a song, so I had my guitar and needed the room. I don’t remember what happened. One moment we were traveling, the next there was chaos. Metal crunching, glass breaking, the car flipping. I blacked out, and when I woke, I was in the hospital.”
“You were badly hurt.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.
“Yeah. My left side took the brunt. I had a lot of surgeries and physio. They weren’t sure I would ever regain the use of my left arm, but I did. I have a shit-ton of pins and screws in my shoulder, arm, and leg, but I survived.”
My voice dropped. “Tonya was killed instantly. Brett suffered massive trauma and died before I woke up.”
“Oh, Van.”
“I found out she wasn’t paying attention. She blew through a stop sign, and we were hit. The car we were in flipped and rolled. I saw what was left of the car later. The fact that one person lived through it was astounding. That it was me…”
She slipped in front of me, her embrace hard. “Oh, baby,” she whispered. “I can’t even imagine what you went through. Losing your best friend and your partner.”
“My world changed in the blink of an eye, Liv. I went from the world I knew as normal to one filled with pain—both physical and emotional. And it was only beginning.”
She stepped back, tugging me to the sofa. “Do you want to stop?”
“No. I need to get it out now that I’ve started.”
“Okay.” She handed me a bottle of water, and I drained it in long swallows. Still, my throat felt dry and arid.
“I was in the hospital for a long time. When I got out, I needed help. I hired a great physio person, and he worked with me daily to help me recover. I pushed myself. I had already lost so much, and I didn’t want to lose my independence.” I met her sympathetic gaze. “There was a lot of trauma to my body, Liv. I was pinned in the car for a long time.” I cleared my throat. “I found out I couldn’t have kids. All of my dreams were gone.”
She inhaled sharply. “I’m so sorry.”
I could only nod.
“Can you tell me what happened next?”
“Tonya was an only child, and her parents were dead. We had been together for almost a year, and all of her things were at my place, except what she had with us on the road. It was all sent to me, and I decided one day to open the boxes and sort through it all. I had been missing her and thought maybe seeing her things would help me feel closer to her again.” I snorted. “It did the opposite.”