April 4
A doctor walks toward us and for a second I’m hopeful she’ll stop and talk, but she doesn’t. We’ve been here for twenty hours, sleeping in shifts and waiting. They’ve told us she’s stable. That’s it.
James sighs, maybe he was thinking the same thing.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper again.
“Please stop apologizing. I love you but it’s getting annoying.” He’s in no mood for anything as we wait to find out how the second ultrasound went.
Sam comes around the corner in his scrubs and a mask, something we’re all wearing. He offers a halfhearted wave as he makes his way to us. “She’s fine,” he blurts and sits across from us. “She’s totally fine. She has placenta previa, and in most cases the baby goes to term and everyone is okay. She’ll need to stay on bed rest and Ericka, her doctor, said she’ll need a C-section.”
James lets out the loudest sigh I’ve heard a human make. He takes several deep breaths, puffing his mask in and out like it’s a paper bag he’s breathing into, before he stands. Sam stands and James does the thing we’ve all avoided doing with most people. He hugs Sam. Sam hugs back.
His eyes dart to mine and the unfinished conversation sits between us like a great white elephant.
“Can I see her?”
“Yeah, we’re keeping her for a couple of days but come on.” He walks James away and around the corner.
I quickly text Mom and Dad that she’s fine. Then I call Shawnee.
“Hey,” she answers. “Is she all right?”
“Yeah, some weird placenta thing caused the bleeding. She’s okay. Bed rest for real this time, no shouting and getting worked up. And a C-section, which she will not be happy about.”
“Thank God,” Shawnee says, sighing deeply as if this is the first big breath she’s had. “I was so worried when you called. I can’t believe Rod showed up after all this time.”
“Yeah, I texted Brent and told him. He said Elaine is staying at her mom’s house because she and Rod broke up. I guess all that alone time wasn’t going well.” That makes Shawnee giggle.
“Nothing like being trapped in a house with someone to bring a little perspective to things,” she says. “I love that the moment he and Elaine break up he’s back on your doorstep. That guy is unbelievable.”
“I know. He’s such a jerk.”
“I did try to tell you that. Remember on your wedding day when I said if you wanted to leave, I would come to Mexico with you, and we could run a beach bar?” She laughs but the memory is fresh in my mind. I’d thought she was being rude in the moment. Now I see she was warning me.
“Is Mexico still an option?” I ask, half joking.
“No! God knows when Covid will be over.”
“I can’t wait to go to Kenya with you when it is over,” I say and gaze down the hall to find Sam walking back. “Oh, Sam’s coming. I have to go.” I hang up before she can say goodbye.
I stand to greet him, needing to stretch my legs anyway. “They’re all right?” I ask, trying to start the conversation on anything but his dad.
“They’re fine. Take a walk with me.” He leads me to a door that goes out into a garden. The air is cold and damp. He turns and stares at me, a taciturn and heartless glare flashes in his eyes. “I want the whole story. No bullshit or half-truths. You owe me that.”
He’s right. I know he called and emailed and tried to see me. I broke his heart.
It takes a second to find my voice, “I saw your dad out with someone, not your mom.”
“My dad has affairs. I know. He’s disgusting. It’s why we don’t speak.”
“So when you introduced me to him, he knew who I was right away. I think he thought I might say something to you, which I was never going to.” My stomach hurts as the memory floods my mind. “He showed up at my place when you were at class. He knew you wouldn’t be there. I was studying and he came in without knocking. He told me you had a bright future, medical school and becoming a surgeon like him.”
“Jesus,” he whispers.
“He said I had no place in your future.” The words burn the same way they did. I can’t shake off the weird and dirty feeling they give me. “I was the daughter of a cop and secretary and not good enough. And that I would distract you from school. He said you were already talking about not going to Ontario because of me. He asked me if I wanted to ruin your whole life. If I could handle being responsible for crushing your dreams.”
“What did you say?”
“I said you were twenty-two years old and you could make your choices.”
“That went well I bet.” He scoffs.
“No. It didn’t. He told me I didn’t even know you. That this was what you always did. Falling for a new girl all the time. He showed me the medical records of the girl who’d had an abortion the month before we met. You broke up with her and left her pregnant. A mess he had to clean up. Your baby he said.” I hate those words, knowing what James said. That Sam is sterile.
“He lied!” he blurts. Rage flickers in his eyes but a haunted expression takes its place. “I’ve never gotten anyone pregnant in my life.” His voice breaks and I hate myself and his dad and this story.
Seeing the raw pain on his face is more than I can take. I blink and tears stream my cheeks. The words fall from my lips, “He offered me money, said he would pay for my university so I didn’t end up being the next girl you ruined the life of. I got angry and asked him to leave. He said I was forcing you to choose between your family and me. Because if you chose me over them, they would disown you. And they wouldn’t pay for medical school.” I wipe my face and hate myself for being so stupid. “Liz was there. She was sleeping in my bed, drunk from the night before. She heard the whole thing. She wanted me to tell you what had happened.”
“But you decided to let my dad choose for me?” He hates me too.
“No!” I snap. “I decided not to ruin the relationship you had with your family and get you disowned. We’d dated for two months, Sam. And not really dating. We both said it was a summer thing,” I say and pause, not wanting to continue in this direction.
“I loved you! Goddammit, I still love you.”
Those words finish me but I offer what I have for an excuse, “I was twenty years old and stupid. I believed your dad when he said I was blue-collar trash who would end your relationship with them.”
There’s nothing else to say so I stare at him and hope he sees how it happened.
“I can’t fucking believe this.” He blows past me, leaving me standing in the garden.
Fifteen years later and the truth doesn’t set me free or provide a sense of release. Instead, I’m numb and cold and the regret I’ve had over it all is heavier than ever.
2020 just keeps slapping harder and harder.
Chapter 25
April 4
The spring day is cold as I walk up to the hospital to meet James with a stack of clothes for him and her.
He comes out the front doors with a bright expression on his face.