“You’re back to work in the office tomorrow?” Liz asks me, maybe getting the hint I don’t want to discuss kids or relationships.
“Yeah, it’s why I’m here now. If I am back in the office, I won’t be able to see you guys really. Social-distance outdoor gatherings only.” The admission is heartbreaking. I lift Lillian and kiss her chubby cheek. “I won’t be able to quarantine and see you guys.”
“I guess not.” Liz furrows her brow. “This summer has flown by but the real worry starts in the fall. Bad weather driving everyone inside and kids back at school.”
“That must be exciting knowing no more homeschooling?” I ask.
“James looked insane in June when he was finishing off the last of the Zoom classes,” Shawnee says in a low voice so he can’t hear us.
“Insane,” Liz whispers. “I’ll miss this though. I am so done with this plague.”
“Me too,” Shawnee says. “I can’t wait for this to all be over. I’m running out of things to photograph in Nova Scotia.”
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “We all know you’re loving the fact you can’t travel right now so you can spend all your time with Anthony.”
Shawnee’s cheeks flush and she presses her lips together, not admitting to anything.
“I can’t believe you’re both in these relationships and you’re getting away with not doing all the normal relationship stuff. No meet the parents. Or have the friend dinner so everyone can form an opinion. No work functions.”
“It’s not terrible,” Shawnee says with a shrug.
“And neither of you talked at all about where this is going?” Liz goes back to the forbidden topic of long term.
“No.” The mention of this becoming serious makes my stomach hurt. Even with Sam. The idea of leaving my small apartment to live with another human being is terrifying. I had intended on spending the summer getting over my Rod-induced relationship fears. But all I’ve really done is confirm I like my life how it is.
“Shawnee—you, I can see taking it slow. You and Anthony don’t know each other. But Lil, it’s Sam. You guys have so much history.” Liz waggles her eyebrows. “Surely, that speeds things up a touch.”
I contemplate lying but am pretty sure she’ll see through it. “I don’t think I can do a real relationship right now. I have had the last eight months to spend a lot of me time, and one thing I have discovered is I am in no rush. Even with Sam. And truthfully, I think he feels the same way. He hasn’t said it, but I get the impression there won’t be any moving in together or that sort of stuff.”
“Why can’t you do a real relationship?” Shawnee asks. She and Liz share the same blank stare.
“I’m not even divorced yet—”
“You can’t possibly be hung up on that loser, Rod?” Shawnee bursts.
“God no, but what if Sam does the same thing? You know, right now this is casual. I guess if he were to date someone else behind my back, I’d be crushed, but I haven’t put all my eggs in the basket. So only a few would be destroyed.”
“That’s not a life, Lil. It’s not living.” Liz closes her eyes for a second as though trying to absorb what I’ve said. “You can’t only give away a tiny portion of your heart in case he breaks it. Love is a risk, sure, but not as much of one when you choose a person who is worthy of you.” She reaches forward and places a hand on my arm where Lillian is cradled.
“I agree, Lil. Sam and Rod couldn’t be more different,” Shawnee says.
“I know. I’m just not ready.” I regret telling them my truth.
“Well, don’t let this opportunity pass you by because you’re scared. You’ve pined after this guy for fifteen years—”
“Sixteen,” Liz corrects Shawnee.
“Sixteen years. This is your chance. Not taking it is cowardly.”
“Maybe.” I fake a smile. I hate talking about this.
“On that depressing note, we have to get going. You need some rest, Liz. James said you guys are getting no sleep right now. And I have an outdoor wedding that consists of twenty-two people from the original two hundred that it was supposed to be. I can’t imagine cutting that guest list. It must have been some Game of Thrones level of slaughter.”
“Oh my God. From two hundred to twenty-two?” Liz’s eyes are wide.
“How do you even choose?” I cringe at the thought.
“I don’t know. And it went from the yacht club to the heart-shaped pond on the Bedford Highway. It’s a sin. No dinner. No reception. It’s being live streamed by someone who has sent the family links so they can log in and watch from home.” Shawnee shakes her head. “Tens of thousands of dollars spent and this is what you’re left with.”
“That is a sin,” I confirm. “Covid brides. Covid funerals. Covid births. 2020 can piss off anytime.”
“Yup.” She stands as I do and leans into sleeping Lillian who has passed out in my arms. “God, she smells like heaven.”
“She is heaven.” Liz lowers her voice, “We might not be getting much sleep right now with feeding and diaper changes, but she is the best baby I’ve had.”
I kiss her once more and hand her over carefully. “Thanks for the snuggle.”
“Thanks for quarantining so you can see me.” Liz’s eyes are shiny and threatening waterworks. She’s still emotional.
“I love you.” I kiss her cheek and then Lillian’s. Shawnee does the same and we walk out before Liz starts to cry.
I hug Shawnee at the car. “See you soon?”
“Yeah, I would like to do dinner with you and Sam and me and Anthony if that’s not too much to ask.” She raises an eyebrow. “You can’t hide from love by holing up in your apartment.”
“Yes, I can.” I kiss her cheek and walk to the car I have yet to name. “Love you and I’ll think about dinner.” I wave and climb in. It still smells new in here but I miss Helen.
The drive back to my apartment is relaxing. It’s a slow summer Sunday with people enjoying the outdoors more than we ever have.
When I get to my apartment, Romeo greets me with his usual run to the door and wraps himself around my legs as he rubs against me.
I lift him up and smell him the same way I did my niece. He smells like home.
I’m back to work in the office tomorrow.
Back to seeing Rod every now and then.
Back to people asking me how I am.
My head starts to hurt so I carry Romeo to bed and curl up in the sheets and the dark room.
My phone rings. “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s James. I wanted to say something at the house, but I didn’t want to do it in front of anyone.”
“All right.” I try not to sound nervous. I hope it isn’t about Liz.
But it isn’t.
Chapter 33
August 30
Dinner at my sister’s on their massive deck is lovely. It’s as if the whole world is normal again.
Shawnee is late because she’s finishing shooting a wedding. Anthony has arrived without her but is bonding with James in a way Rod never did. Liz is running around like a chicken with her head cut off, cooking and yelling at kids, and getting everyone drinks.