Ishmael squeezed my cheek, causing me to smile again. “This all you. I ain’t do shit but provide a few customers for your otherwise bomb ass idea. And I want you to know I’m proud of you regardless of what you do, you hear me?”
Before I could reply, Ishmael’s phone was ringing. Removing himself from our embrace, he took a few steps back and turned his back to me. His use of code words and low language made it clear that he was talking about drugs. The only words I really could make out were missing, white, and dealt with. My assumption would be that some of his product had come up missing and that he would have to leave soon to handle it.
Not wanting him to think I was eavesdropping, I grabbed my things to prepare to leave. I would have liked to have spent a little one on one time with him, but I wasn’t going to put that pressure on him. There were days that he devoted all of his time with me, and then there were days when I wouldn’t see him at all. Seemed like he was having to handle things with his business a lot more lately, and while I couldn’t say for sure, I felt like it was because of me.
After what happened with Jessica, Ishmael didn’t allow his underworld dealings to ever connect with his personal life. That changed when we had to abruptly pause one of our dates so he could handle some business. I had to go with him, and instead of him letting me sit in the car, Ishmael took me in the warehouse with him. Practically everyone was surprised to see us enter together, but they dropped their heads immediately when he grabbed my hand.
Word began to spread within his team and even to his enemies that Ishmael had a new woman at his side. And while he wasn’t expecting anyone to try and make a move, he was doing everything he could to make sure no one thought I was his weakness.
“I gotta run. Motherfuckers think they can steal from me and I won’t find out,” he mumbled as he walked over to me. I watched as the normal brightness of his balsamic colored eyes darkened right before my very eyes. His jaw clenched as his nostrils flared. Ishmael pecked my lips and tried to walk away immediately, but I grabbed him by the wrist and kept him from leaving.
“Be careful… okay?”
The longer he stared at me, the lighter his eyes got, but Ishmael blinked and looked away. Pulling his wrist from my grasp, he grumbled, “I’ll be back around midnight. Be in my bed when I get here. And about that cleaning money shit…” Ishmael looked back at me, eyes dark again. “You ain’t cleaning money for nobody. I don’t want you involved in this shit beyond being my woman. You understand me?”
If he weren’t already in a bad mood, I would have told him that wasn’t something I’d made my mind up about. For now, my focus was getting my personal shopping business up and running. But in the future, I couldn’t say for sure if that was a route I would take or not. Either way – I didn’t want the decision made for me by him or anyone else. I knew he was saying that because he cared, but whether we were in a relationship or not, I was still a grown ass woman who made my own decisions and played by my own rules.
“Paradise.”
“We’ll talk,” was all I offered.
Ishmael ran his pointer finger and thumb around the edges of his mouth. His eyes lowered down my frame slowly, and I could tell by his flaring nostrils and deep, slow breathing that he was trying his hardest not to say anything else.
“We will,” he agreed, turning his back to me and leaving. Once he was gone, I went into the kitchen to see what he had to eat. I shouldn’t have expected much at this house because he was hardly here. His freezer had a few different meats and frozen foods, but it wasn’t anything I really had a taste for, so I decided to grab something on my way back in from seeing my grandmother. I called her just to make sure she was at home so I wouldn’t make a blank trip.
It was Wednesday, her prayer day, and she sometimes went to Chow Time afterwards with a few members of her church. She was old school in some ways like, she didn’t believe in paying bills and shit online or over the phone and she never wanted to have a cellphone or computer in her home out of fear of people trying to steal her identity. She only had one credit card, preferring to handle everything with cash. Had it not been for the respect she gained over the decades within the hood, she would have been an easy mark to get robbed.
Before heading out, I went into Ishmael’s master bedroom to make sure I had some extra clothes that were clean or if I would need to wash some or stop by my place on the way in. He gave me some space in his closet and two drawers at this house and the one in Lakeland, and I had some space in the bathroom closet for my stuff too. I really appreciated the effort he was putting forth to make sure I had my space to maintain my independence while making sure I knew this… anywhere he was really… would also be my home.
He even went as far as to offer me one of his guest bedrooms today for office space. That way, whether I was at my place or his, I would always be able to get some work done. We hadn’t had time to go in the rooms yet because he offered it right before the ladies left, and soon after, so did he. I decided to check them out before leaving, just to get an idea of the vibe I felt over the possibility of taking over a bit of his space.
Ishmael had three guest bedrooms, and I went into each one. I started at the furthest room from his and made my way up. The one that was closest to his bedroom was the biggest, and the one that I liked most. It had three windows along the back wall, and the one in the middle had a little bench connected that I absolutely loved. I made my way over to it, excited over the idea of being able to sit there and take breaks, allowing nature to calm me.
Sitting down, I looked out in the distance. The wind was blowing a little, causing the trees to rustle in the wind. My eyes lowered down to the windowpane, and the sight of a small imprint had me squinting my eyes and leaning forward so I could see what it was. I ran my fingers across the cursive I and J that looked to have been carved into the white paint.
J.
Jessica.
Had she used this space?
Couldn’t have, because Ishmael moved into this home after she was murdered.
Had he done this?
Standing, I released a sigh as I looked around the room, suddenly feeling less comfortable here. We’d only talked about Jessica once, but the conversation was in depth enough for me to never forget it or her. I went back to Ishmael’s room, now looking for any traces of her that I could find. I’d never been this type – going through a man’s things for traces of his ex – but that was the only thing that felt right to do in this moment.
I know, I know, if I went looking for something chances were I would most certainly find it, but I couldn’t stop myself. All I could think about was this ghost of a woman having a hold on Ishmael’s heart that I’d never be able to get through. Coming to my senses, I closed the drawer before even pushing a piece of clothing to the side.
“Fuck has gotten into me?” I grumbled, heading out of his bedroom abruptly.
If Ishmael was holding on to his first love, he had every right. All that mattered was that he was with me now. Who was I to judge him for holding onto his past when I too was bound by mine?
I nibbled on my French manicured nail, trying my hardest not to make a big deal out of nothing. Especially now. Ishmael had been home long enough shower, take a shot of brown, and climb into bed. The whole time I’d been back, thoughts of him and Jessica had been plaguing me, and now that he was here holding me, they were only getting worse. All I could think about was if he wanted her here instead.