Jesus!
I didn’t like Hennessy or Jack Daniels but he did, so I kept bottles of both for him. When he was in a good mood, he drank Dussé, so I had a bottle of that too. I hadn’t given him any of that yet; I was waiting for the right time. Although now could have been the right time since he was mad at me. And I don’t even know how we got to this point! I was supposed to be mad at him, and somehow, he’d turned this shit around!
After pouring him a glass of Hennessy, I met him outside. He was sitting, staring into the distance with his usual calm expression back in place. Ishmael took the glass without even bothering to look at me. Before I was honest with him, I needed to know, “Where were you earlier, Ishmael?”
He looked at me as his left hand covered the glass along with the right. “Home. What part of that you ain’t hearin’?”
“I went by your house, Ish! Your car wasn’t in the driveway! And you don’t put it in the garage until you’re in for the night. Why are you lying to me?”
His jaw clenched but it released quickly because he chuckled. “Why is your first thought that I lied? That’s the only possible option to you, Rosalyn?”
Well, yes, it was, but that wasn’t his fault. Not replying right away, I took a moment to think about other reasons for him to not have his car. Eventually I requested, “Just tell me where your car was please.”
“At the shop.” He paused and took a long gulp of the Hennessy as I sat back in my seat, feeling like total shit. “I ain’t feel like sitting up there for hours, so I ubered home.”
Massaging my temples, I had to keep myself from losing it. On myself. How could I have reacted so poorly without even trying to talk to him first? Immediately I jumped to the worst possible assumption, as if Ishmael had been anything other than honest and open with me.
“I’m so sorry, Ishmael. That never even crossed my mind. I was in my feelings, which hardly ever happens, and I overreacted.”
He gave me one bob of his head before he took a smaller sip of the liquor. “You wouldn’t have acted up if you didn’t care about me. You ready to admit that now?”
Lowering my head didn’t hide my smile, and even if it had, Ishmael requested, “Let me see that smile. Gotta work extra hard to get one from you.” His comment made me smile harder as I looked at him.
“That is not true. It takes nothing for you to get a smile out of me.”
I expected him to say some slick shit when he stared at me for seconds on end. “C’mere, Paradise.”
Hesitantly, I made my way over and straddled him. It felt natural to be like this with him. Face just inches away from his. My arms wrapped around his neck – his around my waist.
“I wanna know you.” His voice was so soft and sincere it made my heart skip a beat as I rested my forehead on his. “Who you really are. What you really want. I know a few thangs about you…” His thumb and pointer finger cupped my chin and caused me to remove myself and look into his eyes. “But I want to know you.”
“Okay. Well, first, let me make it clear that I do genuinely have feelings for you. And I haven’t told you, not because I wanted to be difficult or play hard to get, but because I haven’t even been honest with myself. That breaks one of the rules and…”
“What rules, Rosalyn?”
Even discussing this with him was breaking a rule, but I felt like, if there was a chance of us having something real, I needed to let him in on this part of my life because of how much it shaped me and consumed every other part of my life.
“Of the business. My mother was a prostitute but when she left her pimp, my sperm donor, she became an escort. She and quite a few of her friends created a playbook of rules that they used to be successful and safe. She instilled those rules within me, and I’ve been following them faithfully since I started at eighteen. For ten years straight, the only thing I’ve ever really valued was money. And in order for me to make the most of it from my clients, I had to make sure I expressed emotions without catching feelings. Express appreciation without developing need. No kissing and making love, ensuring that sex was only just a physical deed and exchange of power. No intimacy unless it’s one sided. And that’s just the basics. A lot of those I’ve been breaking with you from the beginning, but I let it ride because I said you were a different type of man that required a different type of me. But the truth of the matter is, I broke so many of those rules because I’ve had feelings for you all this time. I just… haven’t allowed myself to really process them. So when you said what you said last night, it honestly triggered me. I haven’t been able to focus on anything else since.”
“Have you ever made love before?” he asked, voice thick with passion. His eyes remained locked with mine as he trailed his fingers down my arm. Chill bumps covered it quickly as my body shivered.
“No. I haven’t even kissed a man before. Not a French kiss. I kissed a few boys in middle and high school, never with tongue. And when I got the playbook and saw that, I never did that again. I’ve never really had a real adult relationship either. So even if I wanted to give us a try, I honestly don’t know how to, Ishmael. I excel at my business, I can’t fail at a personal relationship with you.”
“Do you trust me?”
With no hesitation I replied, “Yes.”
“Then trust me to lead you. I can’t teach you how to be my woman ‘cause I ain’t no woman, but I can learn you what I like and how I need to be loved, and you can do the same for me. I value you enough to be patient wit’ you.”
The moment my cheeks lifted from my smile, he pinched the right one causing me to giggle. “I would like that, Ish. A lot.”
Every time he stared at me, my heart flipped in response. The moment his lips tenderly kissed my collar bone my nipples hardened. They moved up to the top of my shoulder, and my eyes closed. They traveled higher, to my neck. Cupping the back of his neck, I tilted my head as my lips parted in desire. Ishmael kissed my jawline, and I tightened against him realizing what could potentially happen next.
His hand wrapped around my neck, and he used it to tilt my head to the left before placing a kiss to the side of my mouth. There was a tingling in the pit of my stomach just at the thought of kissing him. But he didn’t rush or force it. His lips graced the other side of my mouth, my cheeks, nose, temples, and forehead before he allowed his lips to hover over mine.
His voice was shaky, as if he was on the verge of exploding when he asked, “Is it okay if I kiss you?”
Nodding rapidly, my answer was a thud of my pulse. As nervous as I was, his closeness gave me comfort. A hot ache grew within my throat as I watched his lips slowly lean forward towards mine. Closing my eyes, I licked my lips quickly, anticipation and patience raveling at the need that was building for this connection within me.
Ishmael’s kiss was slow, thoughtful, but it still sent shivers of desire racing through me. The hardness of his lips devoured the softness of mine until they combined and created a tenderness that I’d never experienced before. He nibbled on my lips for a moment before sucking them one by one in a way that made my pussy pulse as I squeezed my thighs against him.
Then, it happened.
Slowly, he parted my lips with his tongue and connected it with mine. His strokes were slow and delicate, and I could tell he was holding back. I thanked him with a moan, unsure of if I could handle everything he had to offer just yet. Still slow, Ishmael’s kisses became wet and coaxing, and the longer we remained locked together the more I wanted to feel him inside of me. Though I didn’t want to break the kiss, I did, pleading softly for him to, “Handle me, Ish. Right now.”