What kind of an asshole had Garrett been?
Haley was the kind of woman who would give everything to a partner, the kind of woman who wouldn’t back down from a challenge, the kind of woman who would be devastated to lose the love of her life. Damon only had to look at how she defended her mom to see the truth of her nature.
And he didn’t believe that with so much passion inside her, Haley could be happy with half-measures. She might be trying to protect herself, but it was another way of cheating herself from everything she deserved to have.
Just sex was a compromise. It was less than it could be, because the emotional connection was lacking. It wasn’t making love. It was physically fulfilling but not emotionally so. People could trick themselves for a night or maybe two, but after three nights together, Damon knew it wasn’t just sex for him anymore.
He was falling hard.
But he knew that taking their relationship to the next step would make him worse than Garrett. He wasn’t capable of sustaining any kind of romantic relationship, and he wasn’t going to be the one to break her heart again.
Damon knew his limitations. As much as he regretted them, there was no doubting their reality.
He hadn’t left a note or kissed Haley goodbye. He had no plans to see her again because he knew that was the smart choice. That’s what he’d gone there to do and it said a lot about his own changing feelings that he hadn’t been able to decline her invitation to talk, much less her invitation to do it one more time. It had been slow and potent, both of them aware that it was the last time.
Funny how he felt so hollow when he’d expected to feel satisfied.
Like Haley, he would have his work.
It didn’t seem like nearly enough.
Damon let himself into the house and listened to its silence. Empty. It was empty and devoid of life and laughter.
It was safer that way, he reminded himself.
That was how it was going to stay. He couldn’t destroy anyone or break any hearts when he was alone.
Damon shut and locked the door, then went to bed.
Haley was awake when Damon eased away from her and got out of the bed. She pretended to be asleep, knowing that he planned to leave silently.
He didn’t leave a note.
He didn’t kiss her goodbye.
He certainly didn’t wake her up.
This was it.
She listened to the door close behind him and heard his steps in the corridor. She heard the elevator but stayed in bed. She knew she wouldn’t fall asleep anytime soon, but she didn’t want him to see her watching him go from the window.
It was over.
Even though it hadn’t been a thing.
Haley was already regretting that she’d let him go so easily.
It was probably good that he had gone, because there was something dangerously tempting about Damon. She might have forgotten her own rule—again—and ended up broken-hearted—again.
She reminded herself that it was easier to be alone.
Safer.
Smarter.
Haley rolled to her back and stared at the ceiling.
And she’d said Garrett’s name in her sleep. How embarrassing. Was that why Damon had left? He said he didn’t want a thing, but evidently he didn’t want just sex either.
At least not with her.
There was a familiar theme song.
Haley wasn’t going to fall asleep with her thoughts churning, so she got up and made a cup of cocoa. She remembered Natasha’s itchy chemo hat. That jumped to the top of her real life triage list, because it was something she could fix.
She needed a success.
Haley dug into her knitting bag which had a teensy bit of stash at the bottom, and pulled out the two skeins of red yarn. It was beautiful fine yarn, a blend of angora and alpaca. Haley had bought it because it was so soft, softer than she could have believed yarn could ever be.
She’d bought it on impulse, which was something she never did.
She’d bought it without a plan, which was also something she never did.
And it hadn’t been cheap.
She’d never knit it up because she didn’t want to waste it.
Or maybe she’d just been waiting for the right project.
Holding it now as she thought about Natasha, patting its incredible softness, it felt like destiny that she had this yarn in this moment. She searched on Ravelry for chemo hats and found a free pattern for the right weight of yarn. She started an audiobook on her phone, cast on, and knit with compulsive speed.
She wasn’t going to be taking credit for this gift, much less expecting any expression of gratitude from Damon. It would be her secret.
She would think about Natasha and how the hat might give her comfort. She would send up a few little prayers and maybe stitch some into the hat. She would think about healing and becoming strong.
She certainly wasn’t going to think even once about Natasha’s son.
It might have been better if she had. Instead Haley found herself thinking about Dr. Garrett Smith. She closed her eyes, still able to see his chiseled features, his amazing blue eyes. She swallowed, remembering all the nights they’d spent together.
She’d bet he was still married to the beautiful Dr. Krista Olson-Smith and that they had many adorable babies, a house as big as her apartment building, several large luxury sedans, and a vacation home in an exotic locale. Haley knit as she thought about all the perks that happy couple must share and realized she didn’t care about any of their expensive possessions.
All she had wanted was Garrett.
But he hadn’t wanted her.
And in the early hours of the morning, Haley admitted that truth still hurt.
Damon awakened, sweating, just as the grenade detonated.
It took him a moment to realize that he was at home in his own bed, and not sprawled in the dirt in Afghanistan.
The dream had been more vivid this time.
The awareness of his own powerlessness had been terrifying.
He was shaking and his heart was pounding as if he’d run halfway across the city. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, told himself he’d get through this.
He dropped and did a hundred sit-ups, but it worked even less than it had the last time. He needed a distraction.
Damon turned on the light and went to his desk. The plans for the condos in the Flatiron Five Fitness tower were spread out there, in progress, but he wasn’t feeling practical. He got out his sketch book and flipped through it to a fresh page, picked up his favorite pencil and began to draw. He let his pencil take its own path, let his imagination take possession of his hand.
He quickly realized that he was drawing Haley.
Laughing. The way she looked after climax. Hair tangled, eyes sparkling, cheeks flushed. The way she looked after he gave her pleasure.
He’d been able to give her this joy.
That wasn’t a small thing.
It wasn’t something to throw away.
His mom would have told him to fight for Haley, but Damon didn’t want his demons any closer to her than they had already been. He was still tempted to call her, just to hear her voice, but he knew he had to be responsible. Even if she forgot about Garrett, she deserved more than he could give her.
She was better without him.
No matter what he yearned for in the night.
There was something very satisfying about capturing the sight of her joy forever. Damon concentrated on every line, getting it exactly right, and before he knew it, the dawn had come.