“Jay?” She whispers his name as if it’s a question. As if it can’t really be him.
My gaze turns to Jay, and I watch as his lips twitch up into a smile and his expression softens. He opens his mouth to say something, but instead he licks his lips and reaches behind him to close the door. A foreboding click echoes off the walls as he walks closer to her.
“How’s your head?” he asks her.
“Jay, are you alright?” she asks and then crawls to the edge of the bed slowly, moving away from me and closer to him. Her eyes brim with tears, and she bites down on her bottom lip to keep them from spilling over.
He walks slowly toward her, and the sound of his boots smacking softly on the wooden floor is the only thing I can hear other than my racing heart.
He cups her chin in his hand and brushes his thumb along her lips, and she seems to lean into him. She reaches up and wraps her small hands around his wrist. “I know it’s scary, but I thought you’d understand.”
“You can’t do this, Jay,” she pleads with him as a tear slips down her cheek. The way she’s talking to him, the way she pleads with him and ignores me completely shifts something deep inside of me. She cares for him. It’s so fucking obvious.
“It’s not just for me, little bird,” Jay says in a pained voice. “I would have left you alone forever, I promise you I would have.”
She shakes her head, rising on her knees to interrupt him. As the bed creaks with her shifting weight, he presses a finger to her lips, hushing her. “You wanted to hurt yourself,” he tells her and her strength vanishes. She moves her cheek from his hand and seems to back away from him.
“Jay, you need help,” she whimpers.
“Ah,” Jay says. “And so do you, my little bird.”
Chapter 7
Robin
I’m practically shaking. My legs feel wobbly and my head is pounding, but I’ve never felt so aware.
It’s him. It’s really him. After all this time, he’s finally come back to me. But this is a nightmare even I never dared to have. An outcome I couldn’t have predicted.
“You’re broken, Robin,” Jay says and his voice breaks my thoughts. I stare at him, his eyes never looking so cold and his voice never feeling so devoid of emotion before. But he’s right here in front of me. His jawline sharper, his shoulders broader and his body filled out.
He’s no longer a scared little boy trying to protect me. He’s become a man in every way.
“Why did you do it?” he asks me, and my blood turns to ice. I flinch as the memory comes back full force. The cold wind whipping across my face, the branches lashing out and striking me as I ran through the forest. I ran because I had no choice. Liar! a voice hisses in the back of my head. I didn’t have to leave him behind. I’m a coward. I ran because I was scared.
“Why did you try to kill yourself?” Jay asks me and my eyes lift to his, my heart still hammering in my chest.
My throat feels dry and my voice comes out hoarse, but I’m grateful I misunderstood. I’m grateful he doesn’t bring it up. I wish I could go back; I wish I could pretend I never left him. “I’m not well, but I’m-” I try to explain, but he cuts me off.
“Broken!” Jay yells at me, and for the first time real fear flows through me.
“I’m sorry I left you,” I say. The words spill from me unbidden and I cover my mouth, hating that I’ve acknowledged it. I look up to him, watching for his reaction. But I get nothing, not a word or any recognition. “Please, don’t hate me,” I whimper. I feel so small beneath him.
Maybe this is what I’ve truly wanted. For him to punish me. For him to forgive me.
His large hand pats the back of my head, a comforting touch that brings me back to the first night I met him. When I lay on the ground crying until he finally reached out to comfort me.
“Don’t be sorry,” he says. “This isn’t about that. It has nothing to do with how we left. It’s only about who we’ve become since then.”
“Why are you doing this?” I ask him. “You know it doesn’t have to be like this,” I say and my eyes search his, pleading and begging. “You didn’t have to do this.” My voice comes out as a hollow whisper.
“I did though,” he tells me. “You have no idea what it’s like. For me to know and be aware, and he… he doesn’t. He doesn’t see it.”
I shake my head, grabbing onto the edge of the bed and the comforter as I insist, “That’s not how this works, Jay!” I try desperately to get through to him. For him to understand. “I can’t help you like this.”
He breathes in heavy, and his eyes pierce into me for a long moment, like he’s considering what I’m telling him. But eventually he nods his head. “Yes, you can. And I can help you,” he says.
The hot tears flow freely now. “Jay, please,” I beg him. My head starts to spin, and I feel faint. This can’t be happening.
“You’re going to stay here until we can help each other. Until you forgive me, and I forgive you.”
It’s like a spike to the heart to hear him talk of forgiveness. “I never blamed you,” I say, telling him the truth. I never once blamed Jay for any of the fucked up shit that happened to us. “I hated myself for leaving you. And now-” my voice cracks realizing what he’s become and how fucked up this all is. I should never have left him.
“You need help,” I plead with him again, my voice wretched. I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand as I remember John. How he looked at me as if he’d never seen me before in his life.
“I know,” he replies and his voice is raw and his eyes go glassy, but his expression is hard. “You can help me, and I can help you.” He tilts his head, and it pains my heart.
My heart tries to leap up my throat. I feel sick as my stomach churns.
“This is your new home for a little while,” he says. My heart squeezes in my chest, and I reach up to cling to Jay’s shirt.
“Jay, no!” I cry out as he grips my hands in his and keeps me from holding onto him. I try to move toward him, to beg him to let me go. My nails scrape along his wrists. “Jay!” My pleas are useless.
“You don’t have to do this,” I urge as he backs away and I nearly fall off the bed. My eyes search frantically for the door and the moment they do; Jay squeezes my hands tighter. He squeezes hard enough so there’s pain, but for only a moment and my eyes shoot to his.
My heart thuds in my chest, and the blood drains from my face. “Don’t do this,” I whisper, but my words fall on deaf ears. Jay turns his back on me and I scramble off the bed, but he’s through the door and slamming it shut just a moment before I can reach him.
“No!” I scream at him, pounding my fists against the door. Bang! Bang! “Don’t leave me in here!” I cry out for Jay as tears stream down my face and my voice goes raw. “Jay!”
Bang! Bang! I don’t stop screaming; I don’t stop pounding.
For so long I’ve dreamed of him coming back for me. I prayed he’d be safe.
If only I’d known.