She’s mine to protect. Mine to keep safe.
Yet she tried to hurt herself. “I knew you needed me,” I whisper against her skin and lift my head to look at her. Her lips are parted as she breathes, her hair a tangled mess against the white sheets.
I catch a glimpse at a smudge of dirt on the white sheet and my blunt fingernails dig into the mattress.
“This needs to come off,” I grunt through my clenched teeth, rising and gripping her nightgown in both hands. The handcuffs fall to the floor with a loud thud as she writhes under me.
“Jay!” she cries out my name, struggling to keep me from removing her filthy gown.
I let her arms flail, I let her nails scratch down my forearms, but I rip the thin silk fabric easily. It needs to come off of her. The memory of watching her lie on the dirty ground meshes with the sight of her running just now. I blink and there’s a child in front of me; I blink again and it’s her today.
My body sways as the memories taunt me. She left me. She didn’t have to today. She didn’t have to leave me again!
My body bristles with fury as I tear at the silk.
“Jay, please,” she whimpers and backs away from me as I rip the muddy fabric from her and throw it onto the cement floor. She scuttles away from me until her back hits the wall. “Jay, no!” she screams.
The look in her eyes is what stops me. She’s fucking terrified.
My body shakes as I calm my breathing. I blink again and again. My hands clench and unclench, and I stand there paralyzed.
A moment passes, and then another. I stare as Robin watches me cautiously and I wonder if John’s here, but I know he’s not. He’ll come back in the morning. It’s just us. I close my eyes and rest my knee on the bed, hanging my head low and hating that I’ve scared her.
“I-” I try to talk to her, to apologize and calm myself. “I need to clean you,” I tell her although I speak with my head down and then raise my head to look her in the eyes. “You need your things,” I say and try to sound sane. I know I’m crazy, I know I’m fucked in the head. But I’ll never hurt her. I don’t want to, anyway. “I’m sorry,” I whisper and crawl onto the bed, slowly and making sure she knows I’m here for her. She tries to cover herself with her hands, and my blood heats with both shame and desire.
I grip the sheet, fisting it, I drag it up to her until she takes it.
I don’t stop moving, and even as she tries to wrap the sheet tightly around her body, I lie close to her, like I used to.
“Jay,” she says softly as I lie beside her and rest my head on the pillow. “I’m scared.”
I nod my head, acknowledging her admission and knowing she has reason to be scared. It fucking hurts. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could have come to her and helped her without this fucked up head of mine. I close my eyes and wait for her to relax. She always did. Always. It didn’t matter how bad the day was, or what had happened. Even the day he took her.
She let me hold her, and eventually she’d relax in my arms and fall asleep. Always.
I count the time, using her breaths as a measure. Slowly she molds her body to mine. Slowly her breathing steadies. It will come back to her. It never left me. Not a single day has passed where I don’t imagine her in my arms. Some nights I swear I still felt her warmth, but feeling her now, I know I was a fool.
“Jay, talk to me,” she says softly. She always wanted to talk. I run my nose along her hair and when I let out a heavy sigh, feeling the weight of so many sleepless nights come down on me, her hair brushes against my nose, lifting with my hot breath.
“I don’t want to live like this, Robin,” I tell her and each word scratches its way up my throat. I feel my walls break. She’s powerful like that. Only her. I’m so fucking weak for her.
“Please help me,” I beg her as my eyes sting. She was made for me. I knew it all those years ago; I knew she was sent to me for a purpose.
“I need you,” I whisper against the pillow, my hot breath mingling with hers. I close my eyes as she reaches up and sets her hand down ever so slowly on the side of my face. Her soft skin moves along my rough stubble, and I open my eyes to find hers on me.
“For John?” Her eyes search mine as she asks, and it makes me feel weak. A pathetic huff leaves me as I swallow and stare at the ceiling. It’s not like it was back at the old house. The home I grew up in. Or basement, rather.
“John has no idea.” I turn to her and add, “He doesn’t want to…” I can’t finish. I can’t talk about it. This is why I need her. I wrap my arms tighter around her and pull her in close. I shut my eyes, just for a moment.
She’ll heal me, and I’ll heal her. I swear I will.
I just have to be careful. My little bird is so easily broken.
My eyes snap open and I tell her, “You need to listen to me, Robin.” My voice gets tight. “Even if you don’t forgive me. Even if you want to leave me, you must listen.”
Robin rises, propping herself up on her elbow and coming closer to me, holding me and lifting my chin so I’ll look her in the eyes.
She shakes her head slightly, and I almost lose it. The anger is so close to the surface. It’s always there, brimming just beneath my skin. “I forgive you,” she whispers and keeps my gaze. “You never had to be sorry,” she says but chokes on her words and with that I reach my arm up and pull her closer to me. She hangs her head low and I shush her again.
I rock her gently, thinking about how she looks at me like I can do no wrong. Like I’m broken and in need of fixing.
The thought used to make me hate her. I fucking hated being stuck with someone who gave me so much sympathy. I hated her for leaving. I hated how she had a normal life. How she wasn’t fucked in the head like I was.
It wasn’t until the sleeping pills that I realized. It wasn’t until I heard her whispering my name in her sleep that I knew I had to take her back.
It was then that I saw things so clearly.
“Shh, Robin,” I whisper as I rock her. “It’s okay,” I tell her even though I know it’s not in the least.
Nothing is okay. Far from it.
Chapter 10
Robin
I’ve never been a good sleeper. Not that I can remember, anyway. My mother told me that I used to sleep like the dead. Once I fell from the sofa and my father grabbed me by the ankle and kept me from hitting my head. I just dangled there, fast asleep and completely unaware.
Of course that all changed when I was taken.
It’s been years since I’ve fallen into a deep sleep and felt rested. Years since I’ve felt safe and able to sleep at ease.
Yet while I held Jay and let him hold me, it was so easy. So easy to drift into sleep. Maybe it’s the drugs or the exhaustion… or maybe the weight of the guilt settling.
Only the guilty sleep in prison, and that’s quite like what this is. I deserve to be here, because it’s my job to heal him. I know it with everything in me.
He’s broken because of me.
I roll slightly, feeling Jay's warmth cocoon me and slowly bring my hand to his chest. I never touched him back then, since he didn’t like it. He’d always wake up, and I didn’t want that. He needed rest more than I did. His gray Henley is unbuttoned at the top, and his broad muscular shoulders make the thin fabric pull tight.